


time makes you bolder

by trixiexkatya



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Always Female Katya Zamolodchikova, Always Female Trixie Mattel, Angst, Body Image, F/F, Fluff, Gay Panic, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Lesbian AU, Non-Binary OC, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, Smut, Smut if you stick around long enough, Useless Lesbians, mom! katya, mom! trixie, pta moms - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:21:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 55,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25702765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trixiexkatya/pseuds/trixiexkatya
Summary: "She would say that it felt like nothing had changed, but it didn’t. So much had changed. They were both older, wiser, more secure in themselves - and after becoming mothers, they had even more in common."June Mattel (she/her/hers): head cheerleader, blonde bombshell, girl next door. Stevie Zamolodchikova (they/them/theirs): art kid, goth loner, secretly cares a lot. The only thing they hate more than each other is that their moms are too stubborn to admit their feelings for each other.
Relationships: Brooke Lynn Hytes/Vanessa Vanjie Mateo, Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova
Comments: 111
Kudos: 140





	1. edge of seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi y'all! New to ao3 but not to the fanfic world. Hope you're having a wonderful Tuesday! 
> 
> This fic has been living in our heads for a little while now, and we couldn't wait any longer to get it to you. We hope you enjoy - please let us know what you think in the comments! Be gentle, we are fragile.

Every single morning, regardless of if she set an alarm or not, Trixie Mattel woke up at exactly 6:30am. She had no clue how or why her body had become wired this way, but ever since high school she hadn’t been able to sleep even a minute past 7 unless she was horribly sick or miserably hung over - which she cursed herself for in college, but now as a parent, it was an asset. Especially when she realized just how much her precious daughter despised mornings.

Trixie traipsed into the dark room, balancing two giant mugs of coffee with too much milk and sugar, and placed them both down on the marigold yellow nightstand before slowly sitting down on the bed. She ran her pink polished fingernails through her daughter’s shiny blonde hair before lightly shaking her awake.

“June...baby...you gotta wake up sweetheart, time for school…”

June stirred slightly, pulling an extra pillow over her head. Trixie could barely make out her “don’t call me sweetheart” from how muffled her voice was. 

“Just because you’re 17 now doesn’t mean you escape being my sweetheart. Now get your ass up, I brought you coffee.” 

“No...5 more minutes…” June grumbled. _She really is a different person before 9am_ , Trixie laughed to herself. Luckily, Trixie had a secret weapon in store. 

“Would it help if I told you I already made pancakes…?” Trixie taunted, knowing her girl’s weaknesses all too well at this point. June took the pillow off of her face, rubbing the sleep out of her glassy blue eyes and stretching her long arms over her head. 

“...are they blueberry?” June asked, crawling out from under the covers and grabbing her phone to go downstairs.

“What else would they be?” Trixie laughed. 

\-----

10 minutes down the street, an alarm had been blaring for far too long, buried under a pile of half full water glasses and crumpled candy bar wrappers. Sunshine was starting to peek through the thick maroon curtains that were drawn tightly shut, and the woman in the bed was none too pleased about it. And by the sound of the knock on the door, neither was her child. 

“MOM. MOM. MOOOOOOOM.” The knocks got louder and louder.

“I don’t know mom, who’s mom…” she groaned. 

“Yekaterina. Wake up.” the child burst into the room, throwing open the curtains and causing Katya to wince as the room instantly flooded with the warm morning light. 

“Stevie, who told you you could call me Yekaterina?” Katya snarled at them, an equal mix of clearly unhappy and fully amused. 

“Who told you you could oversleep driving me to school?” Stevie snapped back. Katya opened her eyes to see her child fully dressed, backpack slung over their shoulder and travel mug in hand. 

“You don’t need school, kroshka. The American education system is…”

“Deeply flawed and wildly impersonal, I know. But that doesn’t mean I can be late to homeroom, so either you stop hiding under the covers or you let me drive the Range for once.”

“OKAY I AM AWAKE!” Katya yelled, flinging the covers off of the bed and springing up to her feet.

“That’s what I thought,” Stevie smirked triumphantly, turning on their Doc Marten clad heel and heading to the car.

\---

Shockingly, Katya and Stevie made it to the school parking lot on time that day. Katya gave them a kiss, staining their cheek with bright red lipstick that they smeared off with a tissue before they ran into school to face the day. After reapplying and grabbing a pair of dark sunglasses from the cupholder, Katya stepped out of the car and closed her eyes for a few seconds, breathing in the crisp autumn air. When she opened her eyes, she spotted her morning shot of adrenaline bounding her way, all pink and bubbly and warm. 

“Goooooooooood morning, sunshine!” Trixie chirped. Her morning had been pretty standard - blueberry pancakes, a full face of makeup, and her and June’s sacred daily ritual of belting 9 to 5 in the car at the top of their lungs - and yet Katya could tell her best friend was extra energetic for some reason today. 

“Is it? Is it really?” Katya quipped, thinking back to the chaos that was her morning.

“How’s my favorite PTA co-president doing? Did you oversleep again?” Trixie laughed, already knowing the answer to her own question. “I’m telling you, you’ll feel so much better if you just stop…”

“Going to bed at 3am, I know. Knowing I shouldn’t and actually doing it are two very different things,” Katya groaned. 

“I’ve got 2 hours until my meeting, and I need more coffee. Any interest?” Trixie innocently asked with a huge smile plastered across her face. 

“You know I will never say no to more caffeine...or more time with you.” Katya gestured to her car and Trixie happily skipped towards the passenger seat. As Katya was putting on her seatbelt and turning the key in the ignition, Trixie looked towards the front doors of the school and saw June standing in the front courtyard with her fellow cheerleaders, looking stunningly beautiful and yet somehow so out of place. Trixie let out a hint of a sigh as she watched Stevie walk through the doors of the school, imagining a perfect world where they did so with June by their side. But in reality, she could only see Stevie walking alone and her daughter leaving the quirky, earnest, musical, and deeply kind girl she truly was in the car, allowing her need to be “popular” to override anything else she believed. 

“I know,” Katya exhaled next to her, reaching a hand over the center console to place a comforting hand on her forearm. “I wish they were friends too.”

\---

“One vanilla latte with soy milk, one earl grey tea, and a chocolate chip muffin for here, coming right up,” the barista smiled back at her.

“Thanks, uh...Vanessa!” Trixie chirped, checking for the girl’s name tag before turning and skipping back to where Katya was waiting for her, absentmindedly twirling the end of the red silk scarf she had tied through her hair. 

“So…” Trixie started once she plopped down into her white plastic chair, “we’ve only got a month and a half until homecoming...we should probably get to planning soon.” Trixie knew it was still a little early to start forming committees and making schedules, but she wanted yet another excuse to keep their morning coffee dates standard. She hoped Katya wouldn’t notice and shifted her gaze down as she dragged her fingertip through a drop of water that lingered on their table from someone else’s iced coffee that morning. 

“I guess so...I mean, it’s always the same, right? Has been ever since back when you were on the actual student council planning committee and not the PTA, missy!” Katya laughed, her grey blue eyes twinkling with mirth. “Red and white theme in homage of the school colors, shitty Pepto Bismol looking punch, teenagers being too horny to leave room for Jesus.”

“As if you and Brooke ever even considered leaving room for Jesus in high school, let alone just at a stupid dance,” Trixie quipped back. 

“Come on, we were literally 16 and I had just come out. I had to push the boundaries somehow. Plus, she was hot. Still is.” Katya looked Trixie dead in the eyes, anticipating the hot pink blush that would spread across her face with the mention of her ex. 

“Um...yeah…” Trixie coughed, her brain spinning with ideas of how to change the subject until she heard - 

“Order for Trixie?”

 _Thank god_ , she thought, standing up to go collect hers and Katya’s drinks. This coffee shop was practically her second home - she came here at least once a week with Katya, under the guise of talking over agenda points for PTA meetings, but mostly just to gossip and catch up. Ever since she had moved back to Boston 3 years ago, her friendship with Katya had picked right back up where they’d left it in high school. They’d kept in touch during the time Trixie had been in LA - FaceTiming every so often, keeping up with each other’s social media updates, and even sending birthday presents to each others’ kids. But the second Trixie picked up and moved back to her hometown, leaving her husband and her career behind, Katya instantly became her lifeline again. She would say that it felt like nothing had changed, but it didn’t. So much had changed. They were both older, wiser, more secure in themselves - and after becoming mothers, they had even more in common. Katya had taught her everything she knew about being the best single mom she could be. After her divorce, she felt like she wouldn’t be able to be the mom June deserved, wouldn’t be able to give her the attention she craved. But seeing Katya with Stevie, who she had adopted by herself from Russia when they were a baby, Trixie knew that having two present parents was not the key to a happy child. The key was love, and both Trixie and Katya that in spades for their kids. 

Trixie smiled at Vanessa again as the cute redhead pushed her latte towards her. The girl had just started at the coffee shop recently, and Trixie was totally charmed by her. Her blunt bob was always pin-straight and smooth, and even through her black coffee shop apron, Trixie could tell she had an impeccably edgy and unique sense of style. It reminded her just a little of Katya’s - effortlessly grunge - but with harder edges and bolder eyeliner wings. Her eyes immediately went towards a pin on Vanessa’s apron - a tiny, perfectly illustrated strawberry. It seemed almost out of place next to an assortment of darker, more badass pins, but it was a perfect conversation starter for Trixie. 

“Oh my god, I love your pin!” Trixie shrieked, causing Vanessa to almost spill Katya’s tea as she set it on the counter. “Oh I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“No, you’re good! And thank you, they tell us we can put whatever we want on our aprons and I’m still trying to figure out what I want, so I figured I’d just start with some of my favorite things.” Vanessa’s voice made Trixie giggle, a perfect mix of sincerity and irreverence. 

“I love that! Strawberries are my favorite fruit.” Trixie tried to make small talk with her, instantly curious about what else she could find out just from her apron. She had always had an easy time making friends, but by now she felt like she knew almost everyone in this town, so getting to know a new person was a guilty pleasure for her. Just as she was about to ask another question, the bell on the door signaling a new customer entry sounded, and Vanessa’s face lit up with the power of a thousand suns.

“BABY! You came to visit!” she exclaimed before turning back to Trixie. “Excuse me one second, my girlfriend just got here.” Trixie whipped around to see who had entered and --

“Oh my god, Brooke?” Katya said under her breath. _Fuck,_ Trixie thought. Standing in the door of the coffee shop was a more toned, polished, and picture perfect version of Brooke Lynn Hytes than Trixie had ever seen. Her waist length hair was dyed a soft pink, the crimped waves contrasting against the dark grey and teal of her Nirvana t-shirt and ripped black jeans in a way that made her locks look like real, tangible cotton candy. Her dainty hand reached up to remove her orange tinted shades, revealing a bright blue eyeshadow look that made her piercing eyes pop. Katya’s jaw hadn’t just dropped, it had popped clean off of her skull and rattled as it hit the floor. 

“Um...hi Katya?” Brooke flashed the most dazzling smile at Katya. “It’s been a while. Didn’t know you were still in Boston.”

“Never left,” Katya stammered. Trixie could’ve melted into a puddle right there. Brooke turned her attention towards the counter, glancing at Trixie and letting her eyes settle on Vanessa. 

“Oh, Trixie! Hi to you too. Should’ve figured you two were a package deal,” Brooke laughed as she skipped towards Vanessa, who hopped over the marble countertop and planted an overly passionate kiss on Brooke’s dark pink lips. Katya let out a groan back at the table, and Trixie turned to offer her a sympathetic look, as much as only eyes could portray “hey, I’m sorry your high school ex who broke your heart is here and is making out with our barista in front of you”.

“I’m assuming you’ve both met my wonderful girlfriend, Vanessa?” Brooke said as she pulled back from the kiss, turning towards Trixie and Katya. Katya’s face dropped, and Trixie decided she should take the lead on this one. 

“Yes! We were just starting to chat. She’s lovely.” Trixie used her most saccharine tone, attempting to cover Katya’s energy with her own. Katya could only manage a smirk and a nod. Brooke seemed satisfied and turned her attention back to her girlfriend. 

“So, let’s get out of here, yeah babe?” Brooke laughed. Vanessa grinned enthusiastically, running back behind the counter to throw off her apron and grab her purse. Within seconds, she had returned and taken Brooke’s hand in her own. Trixie couldn’t place the feeling deep in her stomach - it felt something like swallowing fire, but somehow far more painful. 

“So nice to meet you both! Enjoy your drinks.” Vanessa waved to them as Brooke dragged her out the main door. Katya sat at the table, stunned and speechless, as Trixie collected their drinks and set Katya’s tea and muffin down in front of her. For a moment, they just sat there in silence, letting the moment drain out from under them.

“Trixie? Earth to Trixie?” Katya joked. Trixie looked up with a plastered on smile, hoping Katya would buy it. She didn’t. “Are you okay?”

“Of course I’m okay. Are you okay?” Trixie cooed, knowing the longer she talked, the more she’d give away. 

“Just fine. I’m great.” Katya chirped. Katya continued talking, saying something about her plans for the evening, but Trixie couldn’t focus on her voice. The only thing she could focus on was the feeling of flames coursing through every vein in her body and the heat coming off the coffee cup between her hands. Just like her latte, she had to trust that time would cool her off too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's chapter 1! Hopefully will have chapter 2 to you by next week at the latest. If you want to follow us on Twitter, you can find us @sunshinemattel and @pearlvelour 💖xoxo M&M


	2. go your own way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’re back!! Did you miss us? 
> 
> Thanks so much for all the love on Chapter 1! We truly couldn’t wait to post this one - uploads won’t usually be this quick, but we couldn’t resist. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING that this chapter contains references to alcohol and a brief mention of Stevie being misgendered. 
> 
> With that being said, please enjoy, and let us know your thoughts in the comments! 
> 
> This chapter is really important to me so please be nice :’) - @pearlvelour

Absentmindedly swirling her straw around in her glass, Katya sat in a daze, momentarily forgetting her whereabouts. 

“Did you hear me?” a soft voice hesitantly asked, yanking Katya out of her thoughts and back to the restaurant, where she was sitting in front of a beautiful blonde woman.

“Sorry. What did you say?” Katya responded, with a slight tremor in her voice.

Katya was pretending to be enjoying herself, but the many voices in her head said otherwise. Her date sitting across the table was intriguing, charismatic, and definitely her type. So why was she so miserable? She wanted to say she didn't click with Alaska because she was a Pisces and she just couldn’t vibe with that energy, but deep down, she knew it was because, as beautiful as Alaska was, she still wasn’t a certain other blonde she’d spent years imagining holding hands with...kissing…sharing strawberry ice cream with...waking up next to... _Katya,_ _stop thinking_ , she scolded herself. _Oh well. A girl can dream._

“Have you ever seen Rocky Horror?” Alaska asked, twirling her pasta around her fork. The date had started out with the basics - Katya was born and raised in Boston, she worked from home in graphic design, and she had a child who she loved. After finding out that Alaska was an actress, the conversation had turned quickly to movies, and if Katya was being honest, she hadn’t remembered a single title until now.

“Oh, mama, you don’t even know! It’s my best friend’s favorite movie,” Katya lit up. “She forced me to watch it when we were back in high school, but even if I’d never seen it, I could probably quote it from memory by now. I think she talks about it at least once a day.”

“I mean, it’s a classic,” Alaska exclaimed, “she has good taste.”

“She has the best taste,” Katya smiled and thought to herself before adding, “in everything other than men.”

Alaska laughed and threw her head back. “I know quite a few people like that.” Just then, Katya’s phone that was perched on the side of the table lit up with a text. 

“Let me guess, is that the best friend?” Alaska questioned. Katya couldn’t help but crane her neck to take a peek at the message, nodding at Alaska in response. 

**TRIX** **💛** **:** The STUPIDEST thing just happened on Big Brother. Oh my god. Are you watching?

A giant grin spread across Katya’s face as she quickly excused herself to tap out a response. She initially started typing that no, she was on a date right now, but she would watch and live text her the second she got home, before realizing that this date had reached a point where it...well, had no point. She had to be honest with herself. Unless the woman texting her from her couch was the one sitting across the table from her, this wasn’t going to work out. And now, she had the perfect escape plan.

**KAT** **💋** **:** Not yet. Could you do me a favor and call me super quickly with an emergency? I’ll explain later.

Katya threw her phone on the edge of the table, pretending to re-engage in whatever Alaska was rambling on about for all of five seconds before Trixie’s adorable contact photo popped up on the screen. She whispered a “sorry, one sec” to Alaska again before taking the call.

“Hello? Trix, are you okay?” Katya played along.

“Kat, I...I need you, June and I locked ourselves out of the house and she has to turn in an online assignment by 10 PM and you’re the only one with the spare key and -”  _ Damn _ , Katya thought,  _ if only they gave out Oscars for Best Performance in a Fake Phone Call.  _ Trixie’s frantic voice and tearful whimpering, even though Katya was fully aware they were entirely an act, made her stomach drop. 

“Okay, okay, calm down, take a deep breath for me,” Katya instructed her, already gathering her purse and slipping her arms into her leather jacket. “I’ll be there soon, alright? Hang tight, Trix.” She ended the call with a click and profusely apologized to Alaska, telling her that she had already paid the bill and that she should stay a while and enjoy her food. She gave her a hug and promised to text her the next morning before making a graceful and swift exit, exhaling the second she stepped out the doors of the crowded restaurant. Her heart pounded in her chest with the realization that she’d just straight up ditched a perfectly wonderful woman for her straight best friend who hadn’t made a move on her in almost 20 years of friendship.  _ You take a deep breath too, bitch,  _ Katya reminded herself.  _ You’re okay. You’ll find the woman you’d rather sit across from than her. You just...haven’t looked hard enough. _

\---

She held the handle of the front door as it clicked shut, trying to keep the house as quiet as possible so as to not wake Stevie if they were asleep. It wasn’t all too late, but sometimes they went to bed super early so they could wake up at the crack of dawn to paint or sketch before it was time to go to school. Plus, they were a light sleeper - as much as the sound of Katya coughing in her room down the hall could wake them up - so better safe than sorry, she assumed. She kicked off her black skyscraper heels at the door before trudging upstairs, glad to be free of those death traps. Hesitating at Stevie’s closed door for a moment, she noticed a soft blue glow of light coming from underneath and decided to go for a gentle knock. 

“Yeah?” she heard muffled from the other side of the door, taking that as her cue to enter. LED lights shone in a turquoise hue through the room, calming and moody all at once, illuminating the sight of Stevie sitting on their bed. They had their Nintendo switch in hand, furiously tapping away at a game. Their black pajama set was dotted with little green aliens, and their shoulder length black hair was pulled into two little pigtails on top of their head.

“Going to sleep so soon, kotyonok?” Katya sat down on the edge of the bed and softly rubbed Stevie’s arm.

“Yeah, pretty soon. I don’t know. Don’t want to have to keep thinking tonight” Stevie admitted, still focused on the game. Katya put her hand under their chin, lifting their eyes to meet her own.

“Hey. What’s that supposed to mean? Did something happen at school?” Katya radiated concern and compassion, equal parts ready to be a shoulder to cry on and prepared to throw hands for her little angel. 

“Nothing special. Just...nobody gets me here. Nobody gets me at school. I can’t wait to go to art school and get the fuck out of here.” Stevie admitted nonchalantly. Katya’s heart always hurt with the knowledge that her Stevie was too bold and too bright to be understood by small high school minds, but it panged especially loud tonight. 

“I love you,” Katya started, “and the right people will find their way to you eventually. People who get you and understand you. It might take a little time, but they’re out there. Hell, they might even be here in Boston! I didn’t know Trixie was going to be my person the first time she excitedly bounced into homeroom wearing a pink, glittery backpack, but I sure as hell do now. Maybe there are people like that here that you haven’t even gotten to know yet...maybe even a certain Mattel.”

“Mom.” Stevie put their Switch down, obviously changing the conversational tone. “Stop trying to make me friends with June. She’s perfectly nice and all, but she doesn’t want to hang out with me. I’m not cool enough for her and her cheerleaders. It’s been that way since she got here. It’s fine. Let it go.”

“I…” Katya didn’t know what to say. Stevie was right. It had been that way since day one, as they had told her...

**THREE YEARS PRIOR**

First days of school were always nerve wracking, but Stevie had never felt nerves the way they did on the first day of freshman year. New building, new teachers, and a new social scene to navigate. Not that Stevie paid a particular amount of attention to their place on the popularity food chain - they couldn’t care less what anyone thought of them for that matter - but anything new was scary, so they moved through the halls with less gravitas than normal, but still with a healthy dose of “fuck you, I do what I want”. 

They had spent an obnoxious amount of time picking out an eccentric and effortlessly cool look for the day, and felt equal parts comfortable and chic as they made their way to their locker. They were glad they went with the short-sleeved looser-fitting version of the rainbow pinstripe shirt they owned in a few different styles - not only was it too hot outside for long sleeves, but it perfectly complemented the colorful embroidery dotting their black short overalls. Two black space buns, fishnet tights, and their signature black patent leather Doc Martens pulled the look together. 

Stevie opened their locker swiftly, throwing the door open with a slam to place a few books and their lunchbox inside. They had homeroom before actual classes started with a lovely teacher, and they had already drawn out a map of the quickest and easiest way to get from their locker to class with the least amount of human interaction, so they were feeling relatively secure in the new environment. That is, until they looked up and saw who was moving swiftly down the hall.

Cheerleaders had always scared Stevie, and not just because they were the villains in every single 90s movie they’d obsessed over since they were a kid. The cheerleaders in their town were particularly vicious creatures, some hybrid of The Plastics and the actual possessed cheerleaders in Jennifer’s Body, feasting off skinny soy lattes and the misery of anyone they didn’t consider part of their crowd. Stevie couldn’t help but laugh seeing three of their least favorite classmates from middle school in the midst of the pack of cheerleaders as they strutted down the halls. With names like Tiffany, Hannah, and Ashley, how could they not have turned into vicious creatures with acrylic nails and cakey foundation? But there was one slightly new but eerily familiar face trailing behind them, face painted with hot pink lipstick and a noticeably fearful gaze. Stevie knew those blue eyes anywhere, and as the pack moved by them, they decided to make a brave move.

“June?” Stevie called out, causing the girl to whip her sleek blonde ponytail around to face them. “Hi...um...June Mattel, right? I don’t know if you remember me…Stevie Zamolodchi…”

“OH MY GOD STEVIE HI!” June screeched, all of the tension leaving her body as she jumped on them in a bear hug. Stevie uncomfortably leaned in to the embrace, excited to see their old friend but acutely aware of the awkwardness the interaction was causing the other cheerleaders. 

“How are you?” June pulled out of the hug and smoothed her hands to straighten her pastel pink dress. She looked simple and lovely, a light wash denim jacket thrown across her shoulders and her white Keds fully spotless. She beamed as she continued talking, her bubbly personality making the conversation effortless. “My mom told me you went here too, I was so excited to come and find you! Come on, we’re all on our way to homeroom, you should - “

“Um, June?” Ashley stepped forward from the crowd of girls, placing her hand on June’s shoulder and dragging her back towards them. “We should just stick with our crowd, okay? I wouldn’t want you falling in with anyone who isn’t worth your time.” Ashley shot a look towards Stevie, filled with disdain and a tinge of actual enjoyment in ruining their shot at claiming a new best friend. 

“Oh, I mean, Stevie is…” June started, trying to come to their defense. Stevie’s eyes lit up with hope they knew would be extinguished as soon as Tiffany stepped forward. Stevie and Tiffany were not on good terms. But “not on good terms” painfully understates the reality Stevie and Tiffany faced. They were Harry Potter, and Tiffany was Voldemort. Or Batman and the Joker. Whatever movie trope you felt like using, so be it - Stevie felt like Tiffany was their real life nemesis. So yeah. They knew from the second they laid their eyes on the tall brunette girl that their precious time with June was limited. 

“Girls like this don’t deserve you, June. Let’s go,” Tiffany cooed, pulling June along as they walked away. Stevie felt their entire body surge with rage, but they took a few cooling breaths (just like their mom taught them) and shoved it down, knowing that getting in a fight on the very first day would cause exponentially more trouble for them than it would for Tiffany. June shot a glance back at Stevie, her eyes filled with confusion and worry, before the pack turned the corner and left Stevie’s line of sight.

“Not a girl…” Stevie said, only to themselves. “But alright.”

**PRESENT DAY**

After Stevie had drifted off to a peaceful sleep, Katya gave them a kiss on the forehead and left them to dream soundly for the night. She had gotten no more than three steps into her own bedroom, on a mission to find comfier clothes than her black bandage dress and rid her face of thick foundation and irritating lashes, when she heard her phone ring where she had placed it on the bed. She smiled at the contact name and answered the FaceTime.

“Ugh, my savior, thank you for rescuing me earlier,” she smiled, flopping down onto the bed. Trixie was rifling around in a kitchen drawer to find a spoon to dig into her pint of Ben and Jerry’s, not looking at the screen. 

“Hey, any time. You know you’re my ride or die. But, seriously, what was all of that about tonight? I mean, not that I’m not willing to put on a show at any moment, but...” Trixie mused, giggling at her own self-awareness. Once she found a spoon, she looked back to the screen and took in Katya’s made up appearance. 

“Okay, fancy!” Trixie shrieked. “Where did you go looking that gorgeous?”

“I had a date tonight, Trixie…” Katya tried to dismiss her, not wanting to cause a problem.

“WHAT? Why didn’t you tell me!” Trixie yelled back at the screen, taking her place on her couch and tucking her feet underneath her.

“I...literally told you earlier. At the coffee shop.” Katya calmly explained. Trixie blinked, a quizzical expression coming across her face. “I told you I was going on a date tonight and I didn’t know what I was going to wear and I wasn’t totally sure that it was going to work out, and all you said back was ‘yeah’ before going back to talking about homecoming.” Trixie pouted.

“I’m sorry, Kat...I was a little out of it. I totally spaced out,” she shrugged, remembering the events of their coffee date earlier that day. Maybe it was some combination of the failed date and the conversation with Stevie, and maybe it was just the alcohol still coursing through her veins, but Katya couldn’t hold in her explosive tendencies.

“You were out of it because it wasn’t about _you_. And I gotta tell you, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” Katya groaned, looking down to play with the fringe of a pillow on the bed. 

“Wh...what the fuck is that supposed to mean?” 

“I mean, Trixie, I love June, you know I love her like she’s my own. But you and I both know all too fucking well that if she just took one step away from the mirror she’d see she isn’t acting like the girl she really is, the girl I know my Stevie would be best friends with,” Katya let out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding, exhaling all of her negative energy into that one statement. 

“And that’s supposed to be my fault? Believe me, I hate it just as much as you do,” Trixie furrowed her brow, clearly teetering on the line between viciously angry and just plain sad. Katya sighed, not even making the choice to keep going, her body pushing the argument forward despite her brain’s best efforts to stop it where it was. 

“Come on, she’s your kid. You could push her a little harder. You gave up on the whole thing a little too quickly for my liking, Trix. You’re family to me. That should go for Stevie too.” 

Katya ended the call with an abrupt click, throwing her phone down on the bed and letting the angry tears start to fall as her head hit the pillow. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking around!! Let us know your thoughts in the comments, and feel free to follow us on twitter at @sunshinemattel and @pearlvelour for a good time (we basically only talk about this fic at this point L O L)
> 
> xoxo M&M


	3. before the beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for the love on chapter two! we’re gonna start following a schedule now maybe who knows. 
> 
> TW // homophobic language, misgendering, bullying - if any of these are triggers for you, proceed with caution and be kind to yourself. 
> 
> give us all your thoughts in the comments xx

There were an abundance of minor inconveniences in this world that June Mattel despised, but cheer practice was probably the most irritating one. She hated sweating, she hated drills, and deep down beneath her big fake smile and giant lashes and copious amounts of glitter, she hated most of her teammates. Don’t get it twisted, June LOVED to perform. She had inherited that from her mom and nurtured it through years and years of voice lessons, but three years as a member of the cheer team had only made her craving for the spotlight more intense. Even just thinking about game days made her heart soar. The cheering crowds, the bursts of adrenaline when her team scored a touchdown, and the bright lights on the field filled her with inexplicable joy. But between the horror of practices and the disdain she felt for her fellow cheerleaders, it almost wasn’t worth the thrill of the applause.

Her teammates had become her de-facto friends over her high school years, which was something she could admit she was grateful for - she was glad they had adopted her as their own when she was a terrified little freshman just looking to be accepted. In the time that June has occupied a spot on the squad, she’s gone from a scrappy little nobody to one of the most popular girls in school. But sometimes, she was unbearably aware of the fact that she was not quite like her fellow cheerleaders. They were vain, boy-crazy, and shallow. And although June could play the part well, she couldn’t deny that her deeply caring and sensitive heart beat differently than theirs did. Every time the group chose a new target to attack, she couldn’t help but feel a wave of guilt rush over her body, along with the urge to finally make the decision that she has been desperately trying to work up the courage to make for years. There would eventually be a day where she would say to her friends that enough was enough - just because someone lived a different life than the one they deemed ideal, that didn’t mean they deserved to be mistreated. That day hadn’t come yet though. June was deeply afraid it never would. 

Today’s practice was painfully mundane. Coach Michaels led them through a grueling ab workout that made June wish she was dead before sending them to drill a few routines for that weekend’s big game. With homecoming on the horizon and cheer scholarships for the seniors at stake, most of the squad was on their best behavior. After 45 minutes of absolute torture, Coach Michaels blew her whistle loudly, causing everyone to turn towards her.

“Alright, ladies, take a ten,” she yelled, her hands coming up to pull her auburn ponytail a little tighter. “But don’t be late.”

June took that as her cue to sprint to the water fountain, hoping she’d get a moment or two of peace before the rest of the team caught up to her and inevitably took up their daily ritual of pestering her about  _ Tyler. _ He was a nice guy and all, but June just wasn’t that into him. Simple as that. For some reason, her three supposed best friends had become obsessed with the idea of setting them up, telling her that  _ you’re a senior now, J, you need Tyler as a steady boyfriend by homecoming if you want to even be considered for prom queen in the spring.  _ June couldn’t have cared less about Tyler, but she couldn’t deny how much she would love to be the prom queen. It was the ultimate symbol of social prowess, the crown jewel of adoration and popularity. It almost brought tears to her eyes to think about it. Winning prom queen would solidify her place at the top of the food chain, and she needed that security.

June took one last sip of water, humming the chorus of ‘Backwoods Barbie’ to herself, before turning on the heel of her sneaker and walking slowly back towards the gym. She didn’t want to return to practice before she absolutely had to, so she took her time, content to just sing along to the track in her head. But as soon as she turned the corner, she jolted at the sight before her. 

“Just standing out here in the hall, staring in to practice again, you perv?” Hannah taunted, backing her victim into the lockers. “Why don’t you keep your eyes to yourself, nobody wants you here anyway. I always knew you were a queer little freak”. June couldn’t quite see who it was from all the way down the hall, but the situation worried her anyway.

“Yeah, loser, who told you you were welcome here?” Ashley added in, popping a bubble with her bright pink gum in a shockingly threatening way. June was moving quickly now, desperate to make sure that their worst nightmares weren’t flashing before their eyes yet again. Whoever they were ganging up on let out a little whimper and a quiet “leave me alone…” before Tiffany swooped in.

“God, I guess being a total nobody wasn’t enough for you, you had to decide you were a lesbian too? Pick a struggle.” Tiffany’s voice could have cut glass, her tone so icy and hateful that even if it wasn’t directed towards June, it made her want to cry. What made matters worse was now that she’d gotten closer to the lockers, she could see their prey. Stevie stood trembling, tears filling their eyes as they tried to bite their lip and hold back a sob. They were strong, alright, but this would’ve broken anyone. Hell, it was breaking June, and she wasn’t even the target. 

“Aw, she’s gonna cry! What a little drama queen. Jeez, I mean I’m all for being an attention seeker but this is just plain sad…between your no-daddy issues and your homo mom, we should’ve known,” Tiffany continued, as June stood speechless and paralyzed.  _ Do something _ ,  _ Mattel, _ she willed herself.  _ Fucking do something, you coward.  _ Tiffany’s gaze turned back to June, non-verbally asking her to join in. June refused to make eye contact with her, feeling all of the blood drain out from her head, so Tiffany took matters upon herself to deliver the final blow.

“It’s like you’re a walking cry for help. Except guess what, girly girl? Nobody’s listening. NOBODY. IS. LISTENING.”

“I am.”

Silence hung in the air for two seconds too long. All eyes were on June. The disbelieving eyes of the cheerleaders and Stevie’s hopeful ones.  _ Fuck _ , June thought as soon as the words left her mouth. She couldn’t look at her friends - she knew that there was a more than probable chance she’d lose her nerve if she did. She tried to ground herself, digging her nails into her palms and her heels into the soles of her sneakers. In that moment, she could only make eye contact with Stevie, both of them terrified, but somehow drawing strength from each other even if they felt like relative strangers. Though it was only quiet for a moment, June felt an entire eternity had passed before anyone spoke. 

“Excuse me? What the hell, June?” Tiffany asked. June kept her gaze straight on Stevie as she took a deep breath and willed herself to say the words she’d been holding in for three years now. 

“I’m listening. I always have been. Stevie has never been anything but lovely to me, what the fuck did they ever do to you to deserve this?” June started, noticing the distinct eye roll that Tiffany gave at June’s usage of Stevie’s correct pronouns.  _ Now THIS _ , June thought,  _ is a fight I’ve been waiting to have.  _ She straightened her spine, cracked her neck, and let the rage burning in the back of her throat loose.

“I’m sorry, did me using the correct pronouns for them offend YOU? YES, Tiffany, I said ‘them’. Don’t call them a girl, don’t call them ‘she’. They are non-binary. It is SO not hard to respect that. It’s even easier to remember it. You don’t have to be their best friend, but at least be a decent damn person. It’s not that hard when you give a fuck. Which I do,” June had never felt this alive in her entire life, barely able to keep her heart in her chest as a brilliant smile took over Stevie’s face. Tiffany was clearly NOT pleased.

“Thank god, we were looking for an excuse to drop you anyways. You might be pretty, but you’re just as twisted as she is,” Tiffany was filled with vitriol as her face twisted into an expression June had seen more than a few times, but had never been on the receiving end of until now. 

“As THEY are,” June quipped. She didn’t know how or when she had suddenly tapped into this hidden gold mine of spunk, but now there was no going back. “And maybe I’m twisted, but even if I wasn’t, you would make me feel like I was. You make EVERYONE feel twisted, because that’s what insecure people do. They get high off of making others feel low. I’ve never felt less wanted, less capable, less HUMAN than being your friend made me feel. And you knew that. You saw how miserable I was, and you drew power from it, so you kept going. You might’ve been sucking the life out of me for the past three years, but not anymore. Not now that I finally fucking see what an idiot I’ve been to play along with you. But you know what the worst part of all of this is? You’re not upset at yourself for it. At all. You’re just mad that I’ve finally found the guts to stand up for the person I should’ve been standing with all along. Since day one.” 

“Wow, go off June,” Stevie almost laughed, making June’s heart swell. She extended an arm to them through the barrier of Hannah and Ashley’s bodies, pulling them to stand next to her and keeping a tight grip on their hand. 

“Just saying what needed to be said. Come on, Stevie, let’s go,” June smirked, turning on her heel and dragging Stevie down the hall with her. They walked in silence for a bit, Stevie leading the way as June’s head spun out and her body went numb, until Stevie pulled a key from their pocket and unlocked the door of an empty art classroom to pull June inside. 

“Studio privileges,” they smiled. “One of the many perks of being Mrs. Monsoon’s favorite.” Once the door was locked behind them, June slid her back down the wall to sit on the cold tile floor, pulling her knees up to her chest, as Stevie plopped down beside her.

“Are you okay?” Stevie asked, not making eye contact with her.

“I should be the one asking you that,” June immediately responded. “I am...I’m just so sorry.” She didn’t even have to explain what she was sorry for. Stevie knew. 

“Thank you. You didn’t have to do that.”

“Oh but I did. And I should’ve a looong time ago,” June admitted. “I’ve been a shitty excuse for a friend.”

“We’re friends?” Stevie asked, turning their head to face June.

“Duh. I think you might be my only one now.” June let out a breathless laugh - it wasn’t funny, but she didn’t know how else to cope. 

“Well, you’re lucky I’m a good one.” Stevie elbowed her in the ribs, causing her to let out an actual giggle. “But seriously. Thank you. That took guts.”

“We’re family. You know that. Plus, I think we have more in common than you know,” June trailed off as Stevie’s eyebrows shot up, their hands absentmindedly coming to play with a rainbow pin on the strap of their backpack. June’s eyes bugging out at the realization of what she’d just said. “NO! I...I meant like we both like art and music and stuff, not...NOT...I MEAN...I didn’t mean to say that...I’m not...I’m sorry...I’m straight I like boys I’m no-”

“Hey, hey,” Stevie stopped her with a hand on her knee. “It’s okay. Breathe.” Stevie exaggerated taking a deep breath in and letting it out, leading June to copy them. 

“Sorry. I’m not...I don’t know why I said that,” June stammered, still shaken by her slip up.  _ You like dudes _ , she reminded herself.  _ Yup. Men. That’s what you like. _

“Okay. It’s all good,” Stevie flashed an all-knowing smile that bugged the hell out of June, but also somehow made her love them even more. They sat in silence for a few minutes, trying to get their brains to catch up to their bodies, before Stevie continued.

“But just to be clear, if you weren’t straight...just hypothetically, of course,” Stevie rolled their eyes, “you could tell me, you know. I wouldn’t tell anyone. Your secret would be safe with me.”

“I appreciate that, but I like boys,” June shot back. 

“Never said you didn’t,” Stevie quipped.

“Oh shit,” June realized, “my...my backpack is still in the gym.” Her heart started racing again at the thought of yet another confrontation with her friends. Or now-former friends. She wasn’t sure. She knew she’d have to face them in the halls tomorrow, but she wanted to avoid the inevitable at least until she’d had a good cry and a good night’s sleep.

“Hey, I’ll come with you. They can’t scare us. It’ll be totally fine,” Stevie smiled, standing up and extending a hand to help June to her feet too. The two walked towards the gym together, June attempting to mentally psych herself up, all the while feeling grounded by Stevie’s presence. When they reached the gym doors, June crumbled.

“I...I can’t go in there, Stevie...they’re going to tear me to pieces,” she whispered, tears springing up in her eyes. “Either they’ll accuse me of crawling back to them or they’ll kick me off the squad, and if I don’t have that what the fuck do I have?” The panicked look in June’s eyes saddened Stevie.

“Well, first of all, you have me, and I think that’s pretty damn good,” Stevie laughed, pulling a tiny smile out of June as well. “And are you really going to let them break you? All the Mattels I know are pretty fucking tough, I think we can take a couple vapid bitches down.”

Just as she was about to nod, the gym door flew open with a crash. June winced, bracing herself for the worst, before opening her eyes a crack to see Coach Michaels standing in the doorway, holding her backpack and jacket out to her like a peace offering. June stood stunned for a moment before taking a step forward to drape the denim chambray over her shoulders and remove the distressed yellow bag from her hands. 

“Thank you, Coach,” June smiled.

“It’s no problem, June,” Coach Michaels nodded, her voice dripping with more sincerity than June had ever heard from her coach. She had always known Coach Michaels cared truly and deeply about her squad - her severe jawline and tattoo covered torso definitely enhanced her intimidating persona, but at her core she was always thoughtful and kind. She didn’t show it often, but June was so thankful she was doing so now. She needed it.

“Okay,” June smiled, pulling her backpack on and starting toward the main entrance to the building. She got no further than a step or two before Coach Michaels called after her again. 

“And hey, June? I’m always here if you need me. For anything. I’m not a hardass all the time.” Coach Michaels said with a smirk before turning on her heel and letting the gym doors slam behind her.

\---

When June walked in the front door of her house not 15 minutes later, she felt like she had lived several lifetimes since getting dropped off at school that morning. Exhaustion colored every step she took as she trudged to the living room to throw down her backpack, where she didn’t expect to see her mom perched on the couch with a glass of rosé. Trixie turned at the sound of June shuffling into the room, her intuition tingling that something was off kilter. The moment the two made eye contact, she knew she was right. 

“Hi baby girl,” Trixie started, “rough practice?” June’s face immediately fell and for a split second, she thought about denying it.  _ No mom,  _ she thought,  _ everything’s fine, not a rough practice, didn’t lose every friend I had before today, don’t feel like I want to die.  _ But June knew there was no lie in the world she could craft well enough to convince her mom she was fine. June and Trixie were practically one person - she knew that trying to hide anything from her was pointless, but she had no clue how to process any of this. 

“Yeah...I…” June couldn’t even get the words out, feeling her breath get caught in her chest as she shook her hands to try to get the tension out. Trixie eased her down onto the couch with her, setting her glass on the side table and pulling her daughter to rest her head in her lap. June felt the tears start to fall as it all hit her at once.

“Shh...hey, you can let it out, it’s okay, it’s just us,” Trixie hummed, running her hands through her baby’s hair as June finally let herself break. “I’ve got you no matter what.”

June slowly nodded as hot tears ran down her face, dragging her mascara with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed this wild chapter. we hope you love stevie and june as much as we do. they're our favorites ever. 
> 
> follow us on twitter if ya like @pearlvelour & @sunshinemattel


	4. peacekeeper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it’s been a little bit.. so sorry for that. life is wild. here’s chapter four! we hope you like it. 
> 
> trigger warning //  
> mentions of alcohol, self harm, and misgendering - take care!! 
> 
> as always, give us your thoughts in the comments. we appreciate every word or suggestion!

For the past three days, Trixie had felt absolutely broken. She NEVER fought with Katya. Ever. The last time they had a fight was junior year of high school when Katya had accidentally let slip that she thought the skirt Trixie was wearing was “tacky”, and even that blew over after a few hours filled with a never-ending storm of compliments and validation. The second she had hung up the phone on that FaceTime with Katya, she felt all of the air get sucked out of the room. She hadn’t had a true panic attack in years, and she didn’t think she would classify the feelings she had that night as actual clinical panic, but it was as close as she’d come in quite some time. At some point in the hours following the call, she had made her way from the couch to the floor, trying to let her hands dig into the shag rug in a desperate attempt to keep her grounded. Her phone ringing next to her shot her back into her body, and despite knowing that there was absolutely no chance of Katya being on the other end of the line, she couldn’t help but get her hopes up. The call was lighthearted and easy - her fellow PTA member Shangela had just wanted to know if it was alright for her to add a point to the agenda for that month’s meeting - but the thought of struggling through meeting planning with her co-president, who she now believed hated her guts, made her exponentially more upset. 

She thought taking a few days would help her come up with a plan of action, but Trixie still didn’t know what to do. She hadn’t texted Katya since the argument. She knew that there was nothing she could say or do to change the situation, but that didn’t make her feel any less shitty about it. Especially considering June’s breakdown the other day, which Trixie still didn’t understand the full cause of other than the vague description June had given her (a sniffled “cheerleaders are the worst” without any further elaboration), she didn’t want to push her daughter into a conversation about Stevie that she didn’t know if either of them were ready for. She’d done a relatively good job of consoling her that night, relegating her own emotions to the back of her brain. Unfortunately, now that June had seemed to spring back and she couldn’t channel her energy into comforting her daughter anymore, Trixie felt herself spiraling again. She’d resigned herself to wallowing on the couch, drinking to numb her emotions and watching reruns of Gilmore Girls to keep her intrusive thoughts at bay. 

It had been an uneventful Friday for Trixie - she went in to work at the real estate office she had a love/hate relationship with for a few hours, talking to a few clients about showings she was doing for them next week, before coming back home and pouring herself a gigantic glass of pinot grigio. June had a late cheer practice that night and usually, the squad tended to go see a movie or hang out at the diner, so Trixie knew she’d have the house to herself that night which gave her the perfect excuse to get a little sloppy and forget how miserable her life was without constant little texts from her favorite person. 

The last thing Trixie could think about right now was trying to cook herself dinner, so she decided on ordering a pizza from the place she liked across town. She knew that it would take a while for it to arrive, but it was always worth it. She silently thanked them for having online ordering, not having the energy or enthusiasm to keep up her peppy persona on the phone with the owner, and threw her phone down after pressing the “confirm” button. She closed her eyes and leaned back against the back of the cream colored velvet couch, silently hoping that it would just swallow her up so she wouldn’t have to keep running different Katya run-in scenarios through her head. Slowly breathing in and out, she tried to focus on how delicious her pizza was going to be, but every time, her mind drifted to Katya’s intense hatred for pineapple on pizza. It made her giggle but the joy only lasted for a second because she soon remembered the unfortunate situation she was in. 

After only 15 minutes of desperately trying to train her brain to think about anything other than Katya, Trixie heard the doorbell ring and a wave of confusion washed over her.  _ The pizza place usually takes at LEAST an hour... _ she thought, but she wasn’t complaining. She was hungry and just excited to have a new thing to focus on.

“One second,” she called out to the door, slipping a long blush colored silk robe on over her white tank top and grey shorts. She certainly didn’t look put together, but she felt like covering up would stop any unwanted propositions from the inevitably horny delivery boy - let’s face it, being a self-proclaimed MILF had its downsides too. She plodded along to the door and swung it open, her face paling at the sight in front of her.

“Hiya, Trix,” Katya smiled, her face soft and sincere but her body language was showing a level of nervousness that can only be compared to a blind date. She looked Trixie up and down, scanning her comfy attire and obvious lack of sleep, thoughts racing through her head, but she didn’t comment for the moment. She could only stand there, taking in her best friend’s jaw hitting the floor and wondering  _ how can she still look this beautiful wearing pajamas and running on maybe an hour of sleep?  _

“Hi, Katya,” Trixie whispered, unable to get her voice to resonate above a whisper. She felt like all of the air had been sucked out of her lungs, like she’d been punched in the stomach and was just waiting for the pain to kick in. Katya was dressed in black leggings, a red t-shirt, and a simple red and navy flannel - which, for her, was a sign of distress. Katya was always casual, but never lazy. Her mind was racing, hundreds of thoughts skidding past, none actually landing for long enough to process. 

“Can...can I come in?” Katya stammered. Trixie nodded and stepped aside to let Katya stride into the room and take her familiar spot on the left side of the couch. Trixie stood stunned, her face burning red and her head spinning. Trixie had always known that with Katya, it was safer to expect the unexpected, but this was a new level of spontaneity for her. She didn’t know if Katya had shown up to further ream her out, to ask what she’d done to change the situation, or just to tell her in person that their friendship was over. At this point, she didn’t want to know the answer, but it was standing right in front of her, blonde hair scraped into a messy bun and lips permanently stained red.  _ Breathe _ , Trixie reminded herself. 

Trixie closed the door behind her, hesitantly following her and sitting as far from her as possible as she tried to make any semblance of sense of what was going on. She didn’t want to be the first to speak, but Katya was just sitting there semi zoned out, so she decided to bite.

“Katya, I’m -”

“I’m so sorry, Trix,” Katya started. Trixie blinked a few times, trying to make absolutely sure she wasn’t dreaming. “I...I’m not going to say that what I said wasn’t partially true.” Trixie scrunched her nose at this, even though she knew Katya was right. “But I shouldn’t have said it, and I shouldn’t have blamed you for June’s actions. I know you’re trying your best, and I know how difficult raising teenagers can be.” Katya dryly laughed. 

“Yeah,” Trixie scoffed. She knew all too well the peaks and valleys of raising a strong-willed teenager. Letting out a breathless laugh, she thought back to the day June asked her if she could try out for the cheerleading team. Trixie remembered the cheerleaders from back in her high school days, and the last thing she wanted was for her June to become one of them. June begged and pleaded, and even agreed to raise some of the money she needed so Trixie wouldn’t have to pay for everything, before Trixie agreed to even let her try out. She couldn’t have predicted how deeply in love her daughter would fall in love with it - it was more than a social identity for her, it was a sport and an art form combined. She initially felt bad for not wanting her to do it, but whenever she thought about June’s radiant smile and how it could power a small city when she was performing, she was so grateful she did. That love for the spotlight was certainly something June had gotten from her mother, but the joy of seeing her happy, however, didn’t cross out the guilt she felt that her daughter had fallen in with the crowd that made Stevie’s life a living hell. Trixie hoped that June knew how much better she was than all of them, but she also acknowledged that June drew so much power from just being seen as one of the popular girls. Back in LA, June hadn’t had the best social scene - she was picked on most of the time for being too shy, too artsy, too much of a goody two shoes. Moving back to Boston, June felt like she was given a second chance, and Trixie remembers the pain that throbbed through her heart when her daughter admitted that she wanted to change whatever she could about herself in order to not be made fun of anymore. As much as Trixie had tried to fight it, her daughter had also picked up a healthy dose of stubbornness from her mom. Trixie was sorting through all of these thoughts in her head in a matter of a few seconds, and Katya clearly picked up that she was a little lost in her own head, so she continued. 

“I love you, and I love her, and I just...ugh. I just want everything to be okay. With her. With them,” Katya looked down, scuffing her shoes against the carpet, before she added, “With us.” Trixie gulped down a sob at the realization that as miserable as she’d been for the past few days, Katya felt the same way. It comforted her, in a strange way.

“Things could NEVER not be okay with us. Are you kidding? And I should’ve tried to talk to June before now. You’re right. I just...I didn’t know how to tell her that I miss the actual her. I still don’t. But I’m gonna work on figuring it out,” Trixie admitted, looking up into Katya’s sea glass eyes. Those sparkling eyes had a way of making her feel like she was the only person on the planet. And in that moment, if the world only had space for the two of them, Trixie would’ve been fine with that. The second that a single tear spilled out of them, Trixie broke, launching herself across the couch and into Katya’s arms for a giant hug. Katya took this as her cue that it was okay to cry, and let the waterworks fall as she sniffled into Trixie’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Katya struggled to get the words out, but Trixie rubbed her shoulders reassuringly as she pulled back from the hug. “I was just about to call you the night after we fought and say that we should just drop it but then ...something happened with Stevie that really set me off, and I...I don’t know. I hate that I can’t...I…”

“Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but if you want to talk, I promise to only make fun of your maternal instincts a little bit,” Trixie joked, letting Katya crack a hint of a smile. 

“It’s just...I don’t really know what happened, because they don’t want to talk about it, but some kids were misgendering Stevie at school the other day,” Katya admitted, shrugging her flannel off her shoulders as she worked herself up telling the story. “Which sadly, it isn’t news, but I just...it makes me so sad that I can’t protect them. I want to shield them from every harmful thing and bad person the world has in store, and I’m slowly realizing that I can’t. I never will be able to fully keep them safe. And it sucks.” Katya felt tears falling again as Trixie reached for her hand. 

“I can’t even imagine how hard it is. June’s cis, and I still want to protect her at all fucking costs and I feel like I can’t, so I…I can’t even imagine. But at a certain point...I don’t know, you have to accept that you can’t change the world for them, as much as you wish you could. All you can do is make sure that they know how much their #1 person has them. And you do that every single day.” Trixie tried with every fiber of her being to convey how much she meant it, how supportive and loving and wonderful Katya is and has been. But Katya just shook her head and refused to make eye contact, clearly not believing a single word.

“I know you don’t believe me. You don’t have to. Hey,” Trixie put a hand on Katya’s thigh, causing her to look up at her with those puppy dog eyes. “You have their back. I have their back. June will too, once she comes around - and she will. They’re not alone, and you know that. I know you know that up here -” Trixie said, as she poked at Katya’s temple. “You just have to let yourself believe it in there -”, Trixie pointed at Katya’s heart. Her loving, generous, compassionate, protective, oversized heart. 

“Can...can I tell you a secret?” Katya asked. Trixie shot her a raised eyebrow before nodding a few times, gripping Katya’s hand tighter. “I...it has to do with something you might know about. Are you okay to talk about emotional kinda dark stuff right now? Like...us in high school kinds of emotional?”

Trixie chuckled, using her free hand to rake through a piece of long blonde hair that had sprung loose from her messy ponytail. Katya was always considerate, but she knew to be especially touchy when it came to talking about Trixie’s not-quite-so-rosy childhood.

“I...walked into Stevie’s room last night, and they were clearly upset, but they weren’t telling me what was going on. I tried to get them to talk and...I noticed that they were scratching their leg really hard...and I mean, I know it could be nothing, I do but…” Katya exhaled a huge sigh. “I know that...when you were...you know...that was a tell for you.” Trixie gulped. She didn’t want to remember that part of her life.  She hadn’t thought about the days of pulling down long sleeves and blaming things on a non-existent cat for years.  She never wanted to think about it again. “And...I don’t know what I’m ever going to do if they feel like...they need to...you know…”

Trixie stopped her in her tracks with a look alone, Katya knowing her well enough to give her the space to take in the information. Trixie steeled herself with a breath and a grip on Katya’s hand before she spoke.

“What you’re going to do, if they ever do, is that you’re going to call me. Believe me, I know you’re more than capable of handling it. You talked me off that ledge more times than I’d like to admit. If anything ever happens, you 100% have the skills to help, but if you feel overwhelmed or panicky or like you don’t know what to do, you call me. I’ll be there in less than ten minutes. And then we will figure it out together. Simple as that. I care about them so much...more than you know. More than I can tell you. And they’re going to be just fine, do you hear me? They are ten times tougher than me, and if I turned out okay, so will they. I promise.”

Katya nodded, tears falling once again. Trixie wiped a stray one from where it fell onto her cheek and rubbed her thumb over Katya’s palm in a silent “I know, I’m here”. Trixie’s mind was reeling, trying to figure out what she could possibly say or do to make Katya believe her. Her mind went back to their high school days, to nights where Trixie felt like she couldn’t hold out from her urges any longer and Katya knew that if she didn’t get home before curfew she’d be toast. 

“Hey, Kat?” Trixie smiled, Katya looking up at her through teary lashes. Trixie extended a pinky towards her, grinning like a banshee.

“Not the fucking pinky swear…” Katya trailed off, laughing under her breath. “We haven’t done that since…”

“I know. You made me pinky promise that I’d hold on,” Trixie sighed. “I need you to let me pinky swear that, if they need me, you’ll let me help them do the same.” Katya smiled and put her pinky out too, red acrylics wrapping around baby pink. Somehow, the simple gesture seemed to put Katya infinitely more at ease as she leaned back into the couch.

“Thank you,” Katya smiled. “I’m sorry for - “

“No no, don’t apologize,” Trixie cut her off. “You have absolutely nothing to apologize for.” 

Just then the doorbell rang with a loud clang, startling the both of them.  _ Oh shit _ , Trixie remembered,  _ my pizza.  _

“Are you expecting someone? I can totally go, I didn’t mean to -”

“As long as you’re not going to make fun of me for getting pineapple, you’re more than welcome to stick around,” Trixie smiled, causing Katya to roll her eyes, a bit of the light starting to spark back up behind them. 

“I won’t make fun of you, but I’m not eating that garbage. You have pasta, right?”

Trixie and Katya both launched off the couch in different directions - Trixie towards the door to collect her delivery, and Katya towards the pantry she knew as well as her own. As Trixie handed the delivery person her tip, she heard a faint “shut up, you do NOT have mac and cheese, I’m so making that” from the kitchen, and her grin grew even wider. She thanked them again for the pizza and kicked the door closed behind her.

“Of course I have mac and cheese. I’m the mother of the world’s pickiest teenager,” Trixie called out through the house. 

“Thank god for June”, Katya yelled back.

The rest of the night passed like a typical Trixie and Katya night. They watched a stupid movie, roaring with laughter over the least funny parts, and basked in each other’s company. Trixie had a little too much red wine, and Katya just laughed and kept pushing her glass of water closer and closer to her. When June got home and saw Katya in the living room, her face turned from apathy to adoration in a heartbeat, running to give her a hug and sitting between them on the couch as they screamed over an episode of Chopped like it was the World Series. Eventually, Katya started to fall asleep, and decided it was probably time to make her way home. She hugged Trixie and dropped a kiss on June’s forehead before heading towards the door. Trixie tagged behind her to lock the door as June trudged upstairs towards bed. 

“I missed you, you know,” Katya admitted, sheepishly glancing down to avoid Trixie’s smirk. “I don’t think we’ve gone three days without talking since...since before you moved back for sure.”

“I missed you too, you idiot. Don’t ever yell at me again,” Trixie teased. Katya gave her another hug, squeezing her tight as Trixie breathed in her coconut shampoo and intoxicating woody yet floral perfume. Katya smiled and promised to text her in the morning before stepping out the door, a cigarette already pulled from her pocket. 

Trixie made her way back to the couch to clean up their plates, determined to make it an early night for once, until she noticed something red and navy squished between the curtains.  _ Katya left her flannel _ , she thought.  _ I’ll just go run it out to her.  _ She pulled it out and shook out the wrinkles, willing herself to turn to the door and dash outside to return it to her friend. Instead, all her body would let her do was sit back down on the couch, hugging the soft fabric against herself and taking a deep breath in. Her eyes blinked closed as she took another breath, almost feeling Katya still sitting next to her as her lungs filled with cloves and orange blossoms and sunshine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed! this one was a doozy. we changed our @s on twitter (bc we're indecisive and stan too many queens) so we’re available for harassment at @sunshinehytes & @ageoflemon now. love you all. 
> 
> xo M&M


	5. behind the mask

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi y'all!! hopefully this chapter quenches some of your thirst, we’re finally getting somewhere!! everything is gonna start making sense i promise. YAY okay. enjoy!

“MOM I SWEAR TO GOD,” June shrieked, hastily wiping away the icing Trixie had just smeared across her cheek. Before she grabbed her piping bag filled with strawberry buttercream again, she gave Trixie her most world-famous death stare and mumbled, “Ugh. That was so gross.” 

Trixie giggled at her own antics and bopped along to the soft music playing behind her as she continued icing her half of the cupcakes. A natural talent for baking ran in the Mattel family, and Trixie was delighted when she learned at a young age that June was more than capable of carrying on the family legacy. At LEAST once a week, the two blondes baked something ridiculous and over-complicated together while listening to their current favorite songs and dancing around the kitchen. Today’s menu was strawberry white chocolate cupcakes with a strawberry buttercream, served alongside Kacey Musgraves’s “Golden Hour” album on an endless loop. Regardless of how crazy their weeks got, baking was always the Mattels’ most important tradition - not only did it give them delicious desserts, but the most vital mother/daughter bonding time.

June stuck her tongue out in concentration as she tried to get the perfect spiral on top of her cupcake. As much as her mom told her that “they don’t have to be identical, they just have to be delicious”, June refused to settle for anything other than Food Network level flawless. Still, that didn’t mean she couldn’t have a little bit of fun doing it - she  _ had  _ thrown a pinch of flour at her mom earlier, which you could count the frosting as revenge for, but that’s neither here nor there according to June.

Trixie leaned into the comfortable lull of just listening to the music and not needing conversation to keep them going as she shaved a little more white chocolate over the cupcake and stuck a sliver of freeze dried strawberry into the side of the cloud of buttercream. She was desperate to ask June about cheer, but she didn’t want to darken the mood. It was clear something was going on - June had told her it was a particularly rough practice the other night, and had seemed like she didn’t want to spend all too much time with her friends outside of school anymore - but Trixie didn’t want to pry too far or dig too deep and unearth something June wasn’t ready to let her discover yet. She figured an innocent question couldn’t hurt though.

“So, do you have practice this week? Anything exciting coming up?” Trixie averted her eyes as she asked, hoping that the lack of pressure would make her daughter feel more at ease.

“Nothing exciting, no,” June mumbled under her breath, pouring all of her concentration into scraping more buttercream into the top of her piping bag without letting any escape out the star tip. Trixie let out a confused little noise, causing June to turn her head abruptly.

“What? I don’t want to talk about cheer. Is that so bad? Aren’t I allowed to tap out on topics? You did that for all of last week about Ka-” 

“You’re allowed to do whatever baby,” Trixie cut her off, insistent on keeping the conversation focused on June rather than letting it drift to the chaos of her rocky patch with her best friend. “But just know that I love you and that you can talk to me and that if they’re being nasty hateful bitches I swear to god I will -”

Trixie was interrupted by the loud *POP* of June squeezing her piping bag so hard it burst, causing icing to fly everywhere. For a second, she looked angry and defeated, but when the ridiculousness of the situation hit her and she turned to make a face at her mom, all was forgotten in a fit of hysterical laughter. They spent the next few minutes wiping up little splotches of pink from all over the countertop before moving themselves over to the couch, June carrying a plate of two cupcakes for them to enjoy and Trixie carrying 2 glasses and a pitcher of strawberry lemonade that she was sure they’d finish before the afternoon was up. As June sat the plate down on the coffee table and took the lemonade from her mom, Trixie noticed that she’d left her trusty guitar leaning on the ottoman that morning after a long few hours spent stretched out across the couch cushions strumming lightly before June stirred. Trixie didn’t play much anymore, not since moving back from LA, but when she did, it felt like coming back home. She smiled sleepily at the instrument and picked it up, bringing it towards June, who sat on the couch holding…

“Whose is this?” June asked, holding up a familiar red and navy flannel. “I’ve never seen you wear this before, is it new?” Trixie snatched it quickly out of June’s hands, holding it close to her before throwing it over her shoulders and threading her hands through the sleeves until she felt Katya’s arms around her. 

“Oh, just keeping it down here in case I get chilly at night,” Trixie didn’t want to lie, but she certainly didn’t want to say  _ it’s Katya’s and I’m keeping it down here so I can feel like she’s sitting next to me and telling me that everything’s going to be okay even when she’s not here _ . This felt like a healthy middle ground. Trixie smiled and slung the string of her guitar over her back, flopping down on the couch and starting to absentmindedly pluck notes. June smiled and pulled her phone from the pocket of her light wash jeans, insistent on documenting their antics for the world. She opened Instagram and focused the camera so you could not only see the cupcakes, but her gorgeous mom, effortless and artsy as ever. She threw on a filter and posted to her story before throwing her phone on the couch next to her and grabbing a cupcake, peeling back the wrapper and taking a tiny test bite. 

“For real though,” June asked, “everything good with you and Katya? I was worried there for a second.”

“Yeah,” Trixie answered. “Never better, honestly.” June smiled and sank back into the couch.

“Good. Because I love her.”

“I know, bug,” Trixie sighed, “me too.”

\---

Across town, the complete opposite type of mother-child bonding was just wrapping up. Katya and Stevie, both breathless and flushed, slipped off their automated vests and threw down their lasers after a game well played. 

“Not necessarily my best round of all time,” Katya panted, “but we still destroyed them, so what does it matter?”

“How many times do I have to tell you, Mom?” Stevie whined as they finished hanging their equipment back up on the corresponding rack. “It’s not  _ about _ competing against the other team. It’s about competing against OURSELVES.” 

“Sure, kid,” Katya laughed, wiping the sweat from her palms onto the fabric of her ripped black jeans. As much as Katya joked about how silly and childish their weekly laser tag tradition was, it was her favorite part of the week every week. Stevie had become obsessed with the tactics of the game after playing at a birthday party when they were only 7 or 8 years old, and they were now so familiar with it that they almost felt like they had to create new obstacles for themselves within the competition. If we’re being honest here, Katya wasn’t particularly excited about laser tag, and she wasn’t especially good at it either. She was just ecstatic to see her kid happy, and this did it without fail every single time. 

“Whatever. The other team was clearly full of amateurs, so they didn’t stand a chance. Who wears a white t-shirt to a game played in the blacklight? You’re a moving target, buddy, not a good look,” Stevie ranted, getting caught up in their own passion. Katya could’ve just listened to them talk about anything for hours. Their little mind was so creative and smart, it still amazed her to think about the fact that she was lucky enough to get to hear the first drafts of the wonders it invented.

“So, slurpees?” Katya smiled. Stevie nodded. Post-game slushies at the 7/11 next to the laser tag arena were always a Zamo family tradition, so asking was just a formality. They sauntered next door together, bantering back and forth about the terrible strategy their opponents used in only protecting their own base and not being aggressive enough in coming for theirs. Katya went for her standard half cherry half Coke concoction, and Stevie nearly overflowed their cup with blue raspberry slush before sticking a bright green straw through and happily taking a few giant gulps just to be able to fill it back up before they went to check out. 

Stevie knew it wasn’t worth trying to fight their mom to let them drive home - Katya was extremely protective of her precious pearl white Range Rover. Even though Stevie had gotten their license almost a year and a half ago and hadn’t even put the tiniest scratch on the used car Katya had gotten them that summer, they still weren’t allowed to so much as lay eyes on the steering wheel to their mom’s baby. Instead of resisting, they clambered happily into the passenger seat, turning the XM radio to the 90’s alt/grunge station before taking another huge sip of their slurpee and tucking their knee up to rest under their chin. Katya turned the key in the ignition, singing along to Alanis Morissette as she backed out of the parking lot and took off towards home. They didn’t need to have their lightning-speed witty banter to feel the good energy in the car, happy to just bask in each other’s company as Katya drove and Stevie pulled their phone from their back pocket to surf through social media. 

Katya looked over at Stevie, happily tapping away on their phone and nodding their head to the beat of the song, and her heart swelled. She knew her little Stevie didn’t have the easiest life in the world, but in moments like this, where they looked totally at peace in her car with the windows down and not a care in the world, Katya almost forgot that she wasn’t Stevie’s biological mom. Not that it mattered, she was their mom as much as anyone ever could be, but she couldn’t help but feel like there was some higher universal decree that had brought them together despite everything. They were too similar, too kindred, too perfect for each other to be anything less than soulmates. There was only one other person in the world she felt even a sliver of that same kind of connection to...but that was a different, much blonder and pinker story. 

Stevie couldn’t tell you what brought them to Instagram that day - they were usually much more of a tumblr kid, but that shocked no one - but for some reason, they scrolled through their explore page, content looking at videos of cool abstract art and Marvel movie interviews. Before they clicked out of the app, they went through the stories of the very few people they followed on Instagram, just to make sure they weren’t missing anything. They clicked through so fast that they almost missed that - 

_ Wait _ . Stevie thought.  _ That flannel looks awfully familiar.  _ Stevie pulled their phone closer to their face, taking another huge gulp of their Slurpee as they looked for the details they’d memorized. The faded sleeves, the tiny bleach stain on the collar, the tiny navy slashes through each red patch...sure enough, the flannel draped lazily over Trixie’s shoulders as she sat - guitar in hand, posing for June’s story - was the one Stevie had often stolen from their mom’s closet growing up. They knew that pattern anywhere.  _ But wait...why did Trixie have it?  _ Stevie almost stopped themselves from starting shit, but something inside them told them to swipe up.

“is...is that your mom’s flannel?” Stevie typed to June. June’s “seen” popped up almost immediately.

“idk...it was on the couch. when i asked her where she got it she just said that she keeps it around for when she needs it.” Stevie held back a tiny gasp. They knew their mom would notice their shift in tone, so they had to keep their cool. They took another sip of their slurpee, hoping that the brain freeze would numb the excitement building behind their cheeks and up through the bridge of their nose. Stevie had known that their mom was in love with Trixie ever since they were old enough to understand the most basic definition of the word. And while this didn’t by any means confirm Stevie’s suspicions that the feeling was mutual, it was definitely a clue in the right direction. When they looked back down at their phone, they saw another message.

“why? is there something i should know?” Stevie smiled and tapped back immediately.

“dude. i think we need to talk.”

Stevie watched for a moment as June typed and then paused, typed and then paused again, her little Instagram icon popping on and off of the bottom of their chat. They sat in anticipation until they heard a little ding - 

“how do you feel about tacos?”

Stevie smiled.

\---

The faint salsa music playing in the background of the restaurant didn’t make the awkward silence any less awkward. Stevie and June sat across the table from one another, both clearly comfortable in each others’ presence but not knowing exactly how to start the inevitable conversation they both so desperately needed. Stevie dragged another chip through the bowl of queso they had insisted on ordering, taking the time to figure out how to break the news to June that was sure to shift her entire world.  _ Sure, dumbass _ , Stevie thought,  _ perfect idea to go to lunch with your new friend only to tell her that your mom is in love with her STRAIGHT mom. Just brilliant.  _

“I think I could survive on queso alone for the rest of my life”, June laughed, grabbing a chip. “Like, I don’t believe in heaven, but if I did, I’m pretty sure it would just be a swimming pool of this.”

“Oh, duh,” Stevie quipped. “Do you think they have little nacho chip pool floats too?”

“Obviously.” June rolled her eyes and pulled her straw towards her to take a sip of her water, giving her another idea. “Oh my god. Are there gonna be pool noodles but like…. straws??” 

“I sure hope so,” Stevie replied. “Although, I do have to say, I could live on queso alone, but I think I’d miss mac and cheese…”

“Shut up,” June gasped. “Why are you in my brain? Like, when did you take up permanent residency there?”

“Rent free, too,” Stevie grabbed another chip and stifled back a smile. June took a second to shoot back a goofy grin at them before allowing herself to let out the giant smile and giggles she’d been holding back. This was a new friendship, sure, but she felt familiarity in Stevie. This felt right.

“So...should we rip the bandaid off?” June asked, clearly anxious to find out what Stevie had been meaning to tell her. “What do we need to talk about?”

Stevie’s breath hitched as they bit down hard on their lip. There was no easy way to go about telling June, but they figured shooting straight was the easiest way.

“So...that flannel your mom was wearing?”

“Yeah?”

“That...that’s my mom’s. And I think she left it there. And I also think they’re in love and don’t know it.”

June dropped the chip she was holding. She knew her mom LOVED Katya, of course, they’d been best friends since the dawn of time. But…

June coughed. “Um..” She pondered for a second. “My mom...my mom doesn’t like girls…?” 

“No, she doesn’t, and you definitely don’t either”, Stevie mumbled under their breath, hoping June was lost enough in her own head to miss their quip.

“What?” June asked.

“What?” Stevie fired back. June made a face but chose to ignore it, much to Stevie’s delight. 

“They’re just best friends,” June said, as if it was the most clear cut thing in the world. “They’ve been best friends forever. They’re close, of course they LOVE each other but...in love? Come on, now.”

“Well, I don’t know about your mom, and I certainly don’t know a lot about love,” Stevie started, swirling their straw in their Coke as they talked, “but...my mom talks about Trixie nonstop. She’s the happiest she ever is after they talk or go for coffee or run a fucking boring PTA meeting together. When we’re in the car and just listening to the radio, at least once a week something will come on and she’ll go ‘oh, this song reminds me of Trixie’. She started keeping white wine in the fridge, even though she hates white wine, just in case Trixie happens to come over and wants some. I can literally tell the difference in her face between Trixie texting her and anyone else in the WORLD texting her. Hell, she has a different fucking ringtone for her so that if she calls, she knows she can’t miss it. She puts her phone on do not disturb when she goes to bed, and the only two numbers her phone is set to ring for are mine and Trixie’s. Don’t tell me that’s not something.”

June felt her face getting hot as the gears in her mind shifted. June could’ve said almost the exact thing back to Stevie about her mom’s actions. Trixie said all the time that other than June, Katya was her most favorite person on the planet. It all of a sudden clicked, and June felt so stupid. Trixie’s life revolved around her… and Katya.

“Oh...my god.” June gasped.

“THERE IT IS,” Stevie exclaimed, stopping themselves from flailing their arms by grabbing hold of another chip. 

“So...what do we do about it?” June asked, afraid of the answer.

“For now? We order some tacos. We can figure the rest out later.” Stevie nodded. June laughed. They spent far too much time at that tiny table in the corner of the Mexican restaurant that day, breaking out in fits of laughter over the smallest jokes and devouring too many tacos. When they stood up to leave, they walked together to the door, standing out in the crisp autumn air together.

“This was fun,” June smiled, obviously trying to push through the part of her brain that told her she couldn’t be vulnerable with her friends anymore. “I...I had a really good time.”

“Me too,” Stevie agreed. “I was honestly kinda shocked at first that you agreed to come here with me...I thought you’d be worried about your friends seeing us or something.”

“They’re definitely not my friends anymore. Whatever. It doesn’t matter.” June’s face said that it clearly did matter. Stevie didn’t want to push it, but wanted to offer.

“Do...do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t know.” June kicked at a rock on the pavement, skipping it across the parking lot. “I’ve just been feeling a little lost. And lonely. And sad.”

“Well, if lunch made you feel any better, we’re making this a regular thing,” Stevie smiled, grabbing June’s forearm before realizing that June might not want mushy right now. “Obviously, just for your sake. Whatever.” The corner of June’s mouth turned up at that, and Stevie knew they were on the right track.

“Come on, I’ll give you a ride home as long as you promise not to play too much Dolly.”

“I will make no such promises,” June smiled, skipping to the passenger side of Stevie’s beat up red Chevy as if she’d done so a million times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so how long do you think it’s gonna take them to finally get t&k together? let us know your guesses in the comments.   
> feel free to send us love or threats @sunshinehytes & @ageoflemon on twitter, both are valid. LOVE U!! 
> 
> XOXO M&M


	6. honey hi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all! hope you had a great week <3 here with another update - things are !happening! now and we can't wait to hear your thoughts on this one! 
> 
> ALSO! we made a spotify playlist for this fic forever ago and totally forgot to give you the link. if you want some tunes for your story time, here you go - and if you have song suggestions, PLEASE tell us we would love love love to know https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5JsM5lToo7C4HPRGxVSrLQ?si=1HoR2MS3SaqVnIqTNqm0pg
> 
> TW // this content contains descriptions of bullying and panic attacks. nothing too crazy though. 
> 
> without further ado...

“I think I get the appeal of this color now,” June smiled, pulling her hand back from Stevie’s grasp to admire their work. The two friends had been huddled on June’s couch for the majority of that afternoon, letting stupid cartoons play absentmindedly on the TV as they sat chatting, until June had the brilliant idea that they should paint each others’ nails. Stevie has never been fond of predictability, so they agreed on one condition. After a short-lived protest from June, the two sat admiring each other’s work. Stevie had carefully painted June's nails a sleek, matte black that made her long, slender fingers look even more witchy. Stevie was sporting a sunshine yellow color with a shimmering glitter topcoat. June concentrated on applying the final coat of glitter while Stevie incessantly asked her when she was going to be done so they could finally start the drying process. June rolled her eyes, mumbling some old proverb her mom had taught her about patience under her breath. Stevie giggled, then sighed in contentment. They glanced up at June and marveled at her tiny light freckles that burst across the bridge of her nose, just like the ones Stevie had learned to draw on with eyeliner. Stevie was lost in thought for a moment before June asked, “Why are you looking at me like that?” 

Stevie knew if they told her anything even remotely affectionate, June’s immediate reaction would be to pretend like she was gagging - or worse, to shut down on them. They knew she’d been struggling lately friendship-wise, and even the slightest move in the wrong direction could cause her to shrink back inside the shell they’d so desperately trying to claw her back out of ever since The Great Hallway Incident. So, instead of complimenting her like they wanted to, they settled on quipping back.

“Because you’re taking so fucking long doing my nails, June. PLEASE HURRY! I’M BORED!” June let out a breathless laugh and kept doing what she was doing. 

In the three weeks since their first lunch date, June and Stevie quickly went from kindred strangers to inseparable friends. The two enjoyed weekend lunch dates when Trixie was at the office and Katya was at yoga class, but the friendship blossomed into something even more than that. They sat with each other at lunch at school, texted back and forth most nights, and Stevie would find excuses to “go out for a drive” and pick June up for a good stress rant on nights when Trixie worked late. They hadn’t told their moms about their friendship yet - simply because they couldn’t find out about their master plan to bring them together - but both of them knew their friendship couldn’t be hidden for much longer. They didn’t keep secrets from their mothers, so it just felt wrong. 

At their lunch date today, they realized they had certainly overstayed their welcome at the restaurant, but there was so much more they wanted to discuss. June knew her mom would be at work at the real estate office for a few more hours, so she asked Stevie to come over, which they happily agreed to. Several hours later, the two watched as the sun began to set and the thought of Trixie returning from work became long forgotten. 

“So, have you figured out what you’re going to do about homecoming yet?” Stevie asked, leaning their back into the cushions. The biggest game of the year was about to occur, and June had been stressed for weeks about it. What was worse than the game itself, though, was the dance. Ever since her falling out with the other cheerleaders, their insistence that she go to the dance with Tyler had turned from a gentle suggestion to a vague threat. Every year, one of the cheerleaders wins prom queen. The cheerleaders were afraid that if that didn’t happen again this year, they’d lose their ability to use scare tactics over the entire student body. At this point, not only did June not want to go with Tyler, she didn’t want to go at all. She wouldn’t have even considered it if it weren’t for Stevie begging her to go so they wouldn’t have to stand on the sidelines and judge peoples’ outfits alone. 

“I have absolutely no clue. I don’t really wanna talk about it,” June snapped back, blowing on her nails to get the polish to dry faster. Stevie raised an eyebrow, knowing exactly how June felt underneath that thick skin of hers, but wanting to push her buttons anyway.

“I can’t wait to see you and Tyler together there, like, aw, look at the happy coupl-”

“SHUT UP!” June laughed, jumping up from the couch, feigning outrage. “Whatever. I’m going to get a snack.”

“Bring some back, bitch,” Stevie called after her as she plodded into the kitchen. Stevie pulled out their phone and scrolled through tumblr for a bit. They were so distracted by a gifsets that they almost missed the sound of a key turning in the lock as the front door clicked open. But they didn’t miss it. Stevie glanced up and felt all the blood drain out from their head with the realization of who was about to come through the entryway. This was not a situation they were in any capacity prepared to deal with so they just held their breath and hoped for the best.

“June baby, I’m hom--” Trixie called into the living room. Turning towards the couch after she fumbled with her keys in the lock, Trixie made eye contact with Stevie and she was immediately rendered speechless. Her bag fell down her shoulder, and she was too stunned to even pull it back up. After about five seconds of excruciating silence, Trixie spoke up.

“--Stevie? Hi, honey, I wasn’t expecting...is everything okay...did something hap-” Trixie stammered until June skidded back into the room, a box of Oreos in one hand and a carton of strawberries in the other. She made eye contact with her mom and smiled sheepishly, hoping her cherubic face would stifle any questions her mom was about to ask. She gulped and prayed to whoever was listening that this conversation would be less awkward than she hoped.

“Hi Trix! Nope, all good,” Stevie started, taking the cue that June wasn’t ready to talk just yet, “Just hanging out. How was work?” June was grateful for Stevie’s intuition, because it felt like her heart had just fallen out of her ass, and her mouth was filled with cotton balls. 

“It...it was fine, doll,” Trixie stammered, still taking in the fact that her daughter and Stevie were existing in the same space together. She had to pinch herself to make sure she wasn’t actually living in a dream. She’d hoped for this moment for so many years she’d almost convinced herself it would never actually happen. “What...what are you two up to?”

“We were just doing our nails. Can you believe I convinced June to do black polish? Like, in what universe?” Stevie laughed nervously. Their laugh brought June back to earth a little bit, at least enough for her to cross the living room so she could present her freshly polished nails for her mom to see.

“Honestly, I love it,” Trixie smiled, holding her daughter’s hand. “It’ll add a little punk rock to the cheerleader look. I’m sure they’ll love that. You know, almost Harley Quinn style.” June’s face fell a little at the mention of the squad, as she looked to Stevie for reassurance.

“But screw them, right J? We don’t need them, not after everything they put you through,” Stevie jokingly punched June in the shoulder, June’s eyes bugging out of her head. Clearly, she forgot to mention to Stevie that she hadn’t exactly told her mom about her falling out with the squad yet. Stevie got that message loud and clear in a matter of seconds though. 

“Did...did something happen with the squad, baby?” Trixie asked earnestly. She obviously knew that  _ something _ had happened, but she figured it was just a little disagreement. You know, teenage girls. But this sounded actually serious. Stevie’s face turned beet red as they looked between mother and daughter, sensing that they had broken the seal a little bit. They took that as a sign that maybe it was time to go home, slipping on their oversized pin-studded denim jacket that they’d left on the couch and grabbing their car keys that sat on the coffee table.

“I...I think that’s my cue to let you two chat,” they said, beelining for the door. “Nice to see you, Trixie! Love you J, text me.”

“Bye honey,” Trixie called out, bewilderment still evident in her voice.

“Love you too,” June blushed and smiled. Of course they said ‘I love you’ in their texts, but that was the first time those words had left either of their mouths. At that moment, it just felt right. Trixie beamed as Stevie clicked the front door behind them, leaving June and Trixie blinking at each other across the room.

“So,” Trixie softly broke the silence, moving to sit on the couch and patting the space next to her. June timidly shuffled across the room to perch beside her eager mother. “Tell me what’s going on, lovey,” Trixie prodded.

“A few weeks ago at cheer practice...um...I was walking back from a break and saw some cheerleaders harassing Stevie. I don’t know, something inside of me just kind of snapped,” June explained. Trixie nodded back at her but stayed silent as she struggled to hold back the tears brushing her lash line. “I told the cheerleaders to fuck off, Stevie and I left practice, and...we’ve been becoming friends ever since. I think they’re my best friend. I...think they’re my only friend. The squad hates me now.”

“Well, I hate them then,” Trixie quipped. Her daughter flopped over to rest her head on her shoulder, and Trixie softly placed her cheek on the top of June’s messy bun. “Have I told you lately that I love you and that I’m proud of you? Because it’s true.”

“Shush,” June swatted, not even bothering to hide her smile. “I love you too. And I love Stevie. A lot.”

“Oh my god, that’s so cute. I’m so happy you love them now. They’re the best.”

“Stop being gross,” June giggled. “Okay, I’ll go upstairs so you can call Katya and freak out. Don’t lie to me, I know you want to.” Trixie pulled back from her daughter, pretend-offended that she’d even insinuate such a thing. But June was right. She’d been waiting for this conversation for 17 years now, and she genuinely couldn’t wait another minute. Trixie kissed June’s forehead with a big “mwah” before letting her out of her grasp. June grabbed her phone off the coffee table and swiped the box of Oreos to take upstairs with her, leaving Trixie to her own devices. She pulled her phone from the pocket of her pink blazer, clicking Katya’s number on speed dial and trying to compose herself while she waited to hear the familiar sound of her best friend’s voice. Her face hurt from smiling so hard, and she couldn’t wait for Katya to be as happy as she was. 

“Hey you, what’s up?” Katya answered.

“You are NEVER going to believe what I just came home to,” Trixie grinned. “Hint: it’s maybe the bestest most wonderful thing in the whole world.” She was too excited to continue sitting, so she stood from the couch and sauntered over to the kitchen counter, resting her elbows on it.

“Oh my god. Was it a puppy? WHAT KIND OF PUPPY WAS IT?” Katya shouted. Trixie could almost see her springing up out of her chair in excitement.

“Even better than a puppy,” Trixie teased, wanting her to continue guessing.

“Well, I can’t think of anything better than that, so tell me, Miss Mattel, what did you come home to?”

“Stevie. On my couch. With June.”

The other end of the line went silent as Trixie struggled to hold in a squeal. Katya took her time, but Trixie could feel the shift in her energy as if it was her own. 

“...I’m going to need you to repeat that...because that can’t be real…” Katya stammered. She sat back down, trying to comprehend the words leaving Trixie’s mouth.

“It’s real. I promise it’s real. I came home from work, walked in my front door, Stevie was on my couch, June was getting them snacks in the kitchen, they were painting each other’s nails. They...they were hanging out,” Trixie nearly choked on a sob building in the back of her throat. 

“THEY...THEY WERE...I…” Katya tried to form sentences, but just couldn’t wrap her head around the information. Her heart burned warm and fiery in her chest and she felt her face glow bright with pride. There were very few things in the world Katya wanted more than this. “I...don’t even know how to process this.”

“Me neither,” Trixie laughed. “But damn if I’m not glad to be trying to process it.”

“No, yeah, I just...Trix…”

“Yeah, honey?” Trixie allowed a single tear to fall from her eye, quickly wiping it away.

“They’re friends. Our kids. Are FRIENDS.” Katya beamed. Trixie could hear her smile on the other end of the line. “Oh my god, Trixie, they…”

“I know. I know I know I know,” Trixie practically danced around the living room, barely keeping it together. “I’m so happy, Kat. You have no idea...when I walked in here and saw them together...my heart nearly burst.”

“Mine’s about to, right here right now, so I can’t….I can’t even imagine. Ugh. I could cry,” Katya sniffled towards the end of her sentence, holding back the happiest possible tears. 

“Me too. I will cry when June’s asleep and can’t hear me. Speaking of which, you can’t cry right now because Stevie’s on their way home and I’m sure they’ll want to tell you too. Act surprised,” Trixie teased. 

“I will,” Katya laughed. “But coffee? Soon? Maybe...dare I say...the four of us?”

“STOP IT, YOU MONSTER, DON’T EVEN PUT THAT IDEA IN MY HEAD,” Trixie screeched, causing Katya to burst out in her signature wheeze laugh. “But yes. Absolutely the four of us. God I love saying that.”

“I love hearing it. Okay, I’m gonna go pull myself together,” Katya smiled. “Love you the most.”

“Love you the mostest, talk to you later,” Trixie smiled, pressing the end call button and flopping back onto the couch, letting out the sigh of delight she’d been holding back since she first walked in the front door.

\---

The next day was a typical day at school for June. She breezed through her classes, putting in just enough effort for her teachers not to notice she was barely skating by, ate lunch with Stevie, which placed her at her new least favorite part of the day: trying to make civil small talk with her former friends and teammates before another grueling practice. As much as she’d always hated the actual practice, June honestly thought that the banter was more exhausting than running drills at this point. She’d rather run for hours than put up with another question about homecoming, but she didn’t really have another choice. She was one of the only seniors on the team...she couldn’t just quit in the middle of the season. Nothing about cheer was enjoyable for her anymore, but she couldn’t handle the idea of disappointing anyone by quitting.

When June entered the locker room that afternoon, she tried her best to keep her eyes down and make a beeline for her spot on the wall. After a week or two of practice, she had figured out that her best course of action was to walk in with intention, change as fast as possible, sit on the bench, and concentrate as hard as she could on the New York Times crossword app or a stupid Youtube video until coach came in to bring them into the gym. Today, her mind wandered a little more than usual as she slipped out of her yellow daisy print babydoll dress and into a pair of blush pink shorts and a white tank top. She thought about the fact that her mom had promised her that once she got home from work that night, they could watch America’s Funniest Home Videos together and eat leftover chocolate chip cookies for dinner. She smiled to herself, memories flooding her head of all of the times her mom has done things like this for her just in the spirit of cheering her up. The lengths her mom goes to to make sure she’s always happy is not lost on June. She’s very grateful for all the sacrifices her mom has made for her, and she’s sure as hell there are many she doesn’t even know about. Her mind free associated her mom with Dolly Parton, which brought her brain to getting excited over the Little Sparrow vinyl she’d ordered for herself as a pity present (she had a little bit of left-over allowance money for the month and decided to splurge). Her brain finally landed on a more serious concept: that conversation she’d had a few weeks prior in the art room with Stevie. For some reason, something still felt unsettled about that day. Thinking about that day, that interaction, unnerved her. Her thoughts were rudely interrupted by -

“Hey, June?” Ka’liyah asked. June looked up with a little smile. Ka’liyah was a sophomore on the squad, and had never been anything but sweet and lovely to her. Ka’liyah and her best friend Suhana were the only two on the squad that, after everything, June still had a lot of love for. If any of the cheerleaders were going to try to get her attention, she was glad it was her.

“Yeah, doll?” June responded, making bunny ears with the laces of her white sneakers and tying them tight.

“Are you still going to homecoming next weekend? I know you weren’t going with anyone, so I wasn’t sure,” Ka’liyah wondered. June looked up, barely holding back an eye roll. 

“Yeah, June,” Suhana added, “I mean, obviously no pressure or anything, but like, I want you to go so we can dance and take cute pictures and…”

“No, June, obviously pressure,” Tiffany quipped as she stormed into June’s part of the locker room, clearly having eavesdropped. “Tyler’s still waiting for an answer from you. He has lots of other girls asking him, and you know that if you don’t lock him down now, we won’t keep the crown on the squad. And then that’ll be all your fault.”

June felt her stomach drop as Ashley and Hannah fell into line behind Tiffany. She’d been in this position all too many times over the past few weeks, and she felt like at this point she should be used to it, but she couldn’t help but feel her heart start to race and her eyes start to blur. She tried to keep her emotions in check, knowing that if she let them see how much she was hurting, they’d only crave causing it more. The kindest thing she could do for herself in this moment was to play it cool, brush it off, and not let them see how close she was to shattering into a million pieces on the locker room floor.

“I...I just don’t want to go with him, okay? I don’t like him. It’s not a big deal,” June said as nonchalantly as she could muster, pulling her hair up into a ponytail in an attempt to keep her hands busy so nobody would notice how they were shaking. 

“Well damn, Tyler’s kinda perfect…” Ashley started, twirling the end of her braid around her finger.

“Yeah, if you don’t like him, do you even like boys? Like you can’t find one better than him,” Hannah continued, laughing under her breath. The three of them laughed it off together and moved on to talking about the ~amazing sex Tiffany had with her boyfriend last night~, meanwhile June felt herself going down the rabbit hole in her own brain. 

_ They’re right, Tyler is perfect _ , June thought, working through the thoughts in her head as she tried to keep her breathing steady and her facial expressions unbothered.  _ Why the hell don’t you feel anything for him? He’s the perfect boy. You like boys.  _ She tried to shake herself out of it, tuning herself back into the conversation the other cheerleaders were having. 

“And then, just when I thought he was tired out for the night, he flipped me back over and…”

June purposefully zoned herself back out.  _ Gross _ , she thought.  _ Wait...why do I find that so gross. It’s...just sex. Sex is normal. Why...why do I want to throw up thinking about having sex with a guy...why do I...oh shit _ . She felt her breath start to hitch in her chest and saw a few members of the squad turn to look at her as she put her face in her hands. If she wasn’t on the verge of a full scale breakdown before, she definitely was now. Her heart beat faster and louder than ever before, and her mind raced, causing her eyes to dart back and forth mechanically. She had no clue what to do, what to think, or what to say. She knew one thing for sure: she needed to make her escape, and fast. 

“June, are you alright?” Ka’liyah sincerely asked, taking a step towards her. June whipped her head up, plastering a huge smile on her face and feeling the blood rush to her head.

“I’m fine. I just think…”. In that moment, June knew that she was already too dizzy and preoccupied to be trusted on the top of the pyramid that day. She grabbed her bag out of her locker, throwing her dress inside and zipping it haphazardly. “I’m sorry, I think I have a migraine, I...uh...I need to take the day off today…”

June bolted out of the locker room as fast as her legs could carry her. She couldn’t get a full breath in her lungs, couldn’t focus on a single task at hand, but she knew she needed to get out of there. Luckily, she had biked to school that morning, because she certainly didn’t feel ready to explain her impending panic attack to her mom. There was only one person on earth she wanted to talk to right now, and luckily, their house was only a 10 minute ride from school. She sprinted outside, clipping on her yellow helmet and pedaling as fast as her legs could take her to the Zamolodchikova’s. 

June hopped off her bike in the driveway, ditching it along the side of the house next to Stevie’s. Although she certainly wasn’t ready to talk to them about her...let’s say potential realization, she knew that they were the person who could calm her down best in the world, so she was glad her body had the stamina to take her here. At this point, she was only running on espresso shots and adrenaline. She tried to stabilize herself before walking to the door and pressing the bell, the familiar ring already starting to calm her the tiniest bit. She looked down at her hands, picking at the skin around her nails. Usually, Stevie was quick to answer the door, so after a few seconds, June started to worry that they weren’t home. She positioned herself to knock on the door once more, just to make sure, until…

“Junebug?” Katya said, swinging the door open.

_ Shit _ , June thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eeeeep!! we honestly enjoy writing this story way too much, we hope you enjoy reading it too! as always, let us know your thoughts in the comments, and if you're on twitter, come chat with us we promise we're nice🥺 
> 
> have a great day, drink some water, and stan priyanka, 
> 
> xoxo M&M
> 
> find us on twitter - @sunshinehytes & @ageoflemon


	7. safe harbour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi cuties!!! happy saturday! this chapter is a bit of a doozy. big content warning for panic attacks and also for some good old fashioned gay panic. without further ado…

Katya was not the person June was hoping to see in the doorway, she’ll admit that. She was expecting her new best friend to open the door, nonchalantly ask her what was wrong, and let her rant about how much she hated cheerleaders. She came here for a downplayed yet heartfelt conversation with no real secrets shared. And she knew that’s not what she would get with Katya, but she somehow also sensed that Katya was exactly the person she needed right now. June was still terrified, but somehow, in Katya’s presence, she felt safe. Her mind still raced, but it knew it wasn’t running alone. Katya’s eyes softened and filled to the brim with concern as she took in June’s body language: her shoulders were pulled back but her mascara was already starting to run as she bit her lip hard and dug her heels into the cement. In one mere glance, Katya saw straight through June’s facade and deep into her soul.

“Sweetie, what’s going on?” Katya asked, bending her knees and crouching down to try and catch June’s gaze. June’s glassy eyes were still glued to her sneakers, in one last ditch attempt to keep herself in some semblance of calm. She knew as soon as she made eye contact with Katya and drank in every ounce of love and care she had for her, the flood gates would open. But still, she had come here for Stevie, so she wanted to at least try to find them before surrendering to the tears pricking the corners of her eyes. 

“Is...is Stevie home…” June asked, her voice catching in her throat.

“No, baby, they’ll be back in a little bit...but, Junebug, you can talk to me,” Katya promised. June hadn’t heard that nickname since she was a little kid, running around the Malibu beach with her mom and Katya as they tried to trap fireflies on a warm spring night until Trixie had screamed bloody murder at the sight of one of the beetles crawling across the sand. Katya had smiled, reassuring her that the tiny junebugs were just about as harmless as her Junebug. She had been too shocked at the sight of her in the doorway to react the first time Katya had said it, but so much as another mention of the nickname was enough to crack June’s heart clean in two. Her eyes lifted to meet Katya’s as her face twisted up in pain, letting out a sob she’d been holding back since being in the locker room. Katya flung her arms open wide, reaching for June and trapping her in a tight embrace. In that moment, cradled in Katya’s arms while she stroked her hair, June trusted her more than any person in the entire world. Even if she wasn’t the one she’d initially come here to see...she’d known Katya her whole life. She knew she could count on her. What’s the worst that could happen? 

She let Katya keep holding her for a few minutes, let her whisper galaxies worth of “it’s okay”s and “I’ve got you”s into her ear before she led her inside and sat her down on the giant tan plush couch. June’s heart pounded in her chest, trying to bravely push away the panicked look creeping onto her face with a bite on her lip as her eyes darted around the room to find something, anything else to focus on.

“Hang tight for just a second, okay? I’ll be right back, malishka,” Katya promised, all but running to the kitchen, the bell sleeves of her red blouse flying back as she moved. June sat patiently as Katya disappeared into the kitchen, pedaling her heels into the floor to try to keep her from floating off into dissociation.  _ Why the fuck did you even come here _ ? she scolded herself.  _ You do realize now you’re going to have to tell her, right? You stupid bitch. _ June let her eyes flutter shut as she tried to slow her thinking down, but she was saved by the barely-there sound of the soles of Katya’s sock-clad feet lithely gliding towards her. When June looked up, Katya offered a small smile, extending a scalding hot mug of peppermint tea as she cradled another mug in her other hand and a box of tissues in her elbow. June smiled a wordless thank you to her as she reached for the tissue box and the mug, visibly touched that Katya remembered her favorite flavor. They sat side by side on the couch, sipping their drinks in silence for another moment or two before June couldn’t take it anymore. She had no clue how to start this conversation, but saying something was better than just sitting there and bottling it up. 

“Katya?” June asked.

“Yeah, honey?” Katya turned to face her, settling back into the couch as if to signal she was very ready for a long talk. 

“Have you ever...I don’t know...have you ever had a moment where like you’re just going about your life, minding your own business, and all of a sudden, someone says something and something inside you just clicks and you can’t wrap your head around how you hadn’t known that thing all along?” June rambled. “Like, it’s not a good thing, or a bad thing, it’s just...a thing...but I don’t know, it...changes everything?”

Katya let out a breathless laugh. “Far too many times. Is this about something in particular? What happened?” Katya blew over the top of her steaming mug of tea, taking a tiny sip before setting it down on the coffee table. 

June looked down to the floor, stuck between embarrassment and fear. Her heart started pounding faster and as much as she willed herself to speak, her brain wouldn’t let her say the words that felt trapped inside of her. “I can’t tell you. I don’t know how to tell you.”

“Just try, baby. It doesn’t have to be poetry. I’m not your English teacher, I’m just here to listen.” Katya rubbed June’s arm absentmindedly, feeling the need to be connected to her in some way. June’s head spun, dizzy and unsure.  _ You can’t trust her _ , her head lied.  _ She’s going to think you’re stupid. She’s going to tell everyone. She’s going to tell your mom. She’s going to laugh. And everyone’s going to hate you. _

“Junebug...listen, I know talking is hard,” Katya continued, seeing June start to crawl back inside the darkness of her shell and trying with all her might to keep her out in the sun. “But I promise you...this stays between us. You can talk to me. You’re safe here.” Something about the combination of the nickname that Katya knew felt like home to her and the sheer exhaustion from bottling everything up allowed June to let go enough to make a decision. Even if she didn’t believe Katya quite yet, it was worth a try to open her mouth and see where the words took her. 

“I...I don’t know…” June started, setting her mug of tea down on the coffee table next to Katya’s. Katya nodded, staying quiet but squeezing her arm gently to encourage her to keep going. “I was at cheer practice tonight, and they were talking about homecoming and this guy they want me to go with, and I’m just...not into him. And I’ve always just thought that I was over high school boys, you know? Like even as a freshman, I was just too mature for them, I was too good to have to put up with their nonsense. But then they were talking about how like...this guy is the perfect guy...and if I don’t like him, who could I possibly like and...I couldn’t think of a single boy in the world who I thought I would want to dance with. I don’t want a boy to hold me like that, to get to know me like that. And it’s not just that...I can’t imagine like...sleeping with a boy either...like ever. And it all just kind of hit me at once and...and Tiffany basically said I was a...she thought I was a…and I...I think I...fuck I’m gonna be sick…”

June felt panic rising in her chest, felt the walls closing in around her, felt like the whole world was crashing down before her eyes. She objectively knew that everything was okay, that nothing had changed. But in that moment, she felt the whole world stop turning, grinding to a halt on its axis. Her vision blurred at the corners and everything, including her mind, felt out of focus. Her heart beat so loud she was legitimately afraid it was going to pop straight out of her chest. A chill ran down her spine, her whole body became cold and numb, and the shower of tears flowing down her face very quickly turned from a drizzle to a tsunami. Katya anticipated the shift, almost sensing it before June herself did. Before she could even pretend she was fine, Katya scooted off of the couch to kneel in front of her.

“Woah woah woah, hold up. Let’s take a second, okay?” Katya interrupted, suddenly turning very serious. She’d never seen June like this before and it broke her heart to know that her Junebug could feel pain like this, pain Katya knew like her own. June’s breath picked up speed, but at the same time, she felt like she had no air left in her lungs. She squeezed her eyes tightly closed, hoping that it would stop the spinning, as she tried to clasp her clammy hands together so Katya wouldn’t notice how hard they were shaking. But she did. Of course she did. 

“Junebug, can I hold your hands?” Katya asked, not wanting to accidentally make matters worse by overstepping her boundaries. June hesitated for a moment before nodding through her tears, and Katya immediately reached out to slide her hands between June’s and cradle each of her palms with equal parts force and attentiveness. “Okay. Good. I know you’re scared right now, but I promise you’re safe. I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here. I won’t let anything happen to you.” June opened her eyes and the contact immediately broke Katya’s heart. June’s pupils were so dilated that her shiny turquoise eyes almost shone black. She looked like she was right on the verge of spiraling, if not already over that ledge, and Katya didn’t know how else to help her. She knew that if this was the opposite situation, if this had been Trixie and Stevie sitting here, Trixie would have the perfect way to comfort them, make them feel safe and loved and protected. Katya, on the other hand, had never been the best with emotions. She remembered nights like this with Trixie when they were June and Stevie’s age. She remembered feeling helpless and heartbroken that she couldn’t help Trixie more, just sitting under the covers with her and holding her while she despondently sobbed into her shoulder. But Katya also remembered Trixie telling her once, after a particularly bad night, that if her breathing was too shallow, she couldn’t even begin to focus on anything else Katya was saying to her. It wasn’t much of a plan, but it gave Katya somewhere to start. 

“Hey...June, can we try something?” Katya asked, “Can you take a couple deep breaths with me? I know it won’t be easy, I know you probably feel like you can’t...but can we just try?” June thought for a second before she nodded through her tears, and Katya exaggerated a few huge inhales and exhales, rubbing her thumbs over the backs of June’s hands and trying her best to keep her grounded and calm. After a few rounds, when it seemed like June was starting to come back into herself, Katya smiled up at her and took her place back on the couch, still holding on to both of her hands. 

“Okay. I need you to listen to me very carefully, alright?” Katya started. June blinked back at her, crossing her legs under herself as she turned to face Katya straight on. “You don’t have to know exactly who you are right now. It’s totally fine not to know - hell, you’re 17 years old, you have your WHOLE life ahead of you to know things. But what I do want to tell you is that if you do figure out that you don’t like boys, regardless of if you figure that out today or in ten years or whenever, THAT IS OKAY. Do you hear me? You do NOT have to like anybody who you don’t like. Nobody is going to make you. You’re not crazy if you don’t, you’re not abnormal if you don’t, and you certainly are not any less loved if you don’t. Okay?” 

June took a shaky breath in, squeezing Katya’s hands tight and willing herself to say the thing that felt trapped inside her. “I mean...I don’t. I definitely don’t. I think I’ve always known that I liked...people who aren’t boys...I just didn’t  _ know know _ , you know?”

“I know. Oh god, do I know,” Katya nodded. “But I’m proud of you. Now, forever, always. And I’m SO proud of you for telling me.”

“Fuck. I...I’m gonna have to tell people. OH FUCK I’m gonna have to tell my MOM.” June realized, her breath picking up speed again. Her heart caught in her throat as she started to imagine the worst: bad teen movie scenes of screaming fits and looks of disgust and suitcases placed on the doorstep flashing through her head. 

“June. June. Let me talk right now, okay?” Katya stopped her in her tracks, somehow knowing exactly where her head was at. June nodded, knowing that whatever Katya was about to say would be important. “Think about it this way...I would reframe it as...maybe this is helpful, maybe it’s counterproductive. We’ll see. Reframe the discussion in terms of this...less of a “I have a dirty secret, and how do I break the news.” We don’t want that - the secret’s not dirty. You’ve got plenty of other secrets that are dirty, but this one is not that.” June managed to let out a hint of a laugh at that one before letting Katya continue. “Think about it this way...who in my life is worthy of knowing me? Okay? And who in my life, would I suspect if given that chance to know me would try to...would misunderstand me? Who, if given the knowledge of my real tea, would use that against me or misunderstand it or god forbid, use it against me or attack me whatever, who would become hostile at the revelation of my real identity?”

“And?”

“Your mom is a lot of things, kid. But the one thing I have never known her to be is hostile. She could never use that against you. She would never misunderstand. She loves you with every fiber of her being, regardless of who you love. And she is worthy of knowing you. I can promise you that.”

“I...you’re right. You’re right.” June exhaled. “Then why am I so fucking scared? Why can’t I just be brave and fucking tell her?”

“Being brave isn’t not being scared, Junebug. It’s not that at all. Being brave is being scared and still doing it. It’s being terrified out of your mind and knowing that, even if it’s scary, it’s worth it. It’s looking the scary thing dead in the eyes and saying ‘fuck you, don’t tell me what not to do’ and doing it anyway,” Katya mused. “And you don’t have to tell her right now. You don’t have to tell anybody right now. Hell, you don’t even have to say it in real terms to me right now! You can take your time. But I promise that the more you tell people, the easier it’ll get. Practice makes perfect. You don’t have to start with telling your mom, but whenever you’re ready to tell her, or to tell anyone, I’ll be right here to cheer you on the whole way.”

June let a single tear roll down her face as she nodded. Katya reached out a hand to catch it before it fell, wiping it on her jeans and pulling June in to a tight hug. 

“Baby, no need for tears. This is a happy thing. A scary thing...but a happy thing,” Katya promised. “If anyone thinks it’s not a happy thing, they’re not worth keeping around.”

“Thank you,” June sniffled as she pulled back from the hug and wiped another tear. “I...how did you know exactly how to make me feel better?”

“I’m just a genius,” Katya laughed. “A genius who is best friends with your mom and knows you’re exactly like her.”

“But seriously. Thank you,” June smiled, exhausted and relieved all in one. 

“Of course. I’d do anything for you. You know that,”, Katya rolled her eyes as she threw an arm around June over the back of the couch, and June buried herself into her side. She had never felt so protected in her life. She got so caught in the moment that she didn’t notice the sound of the front door clicking open and footsteps padding towards the living room. 

“Mom? You home? Mo-” Stevie trailed off, taking in the scene of their best friend clinging on to their mom as if her life depended on it. Their face fell as they rushed to the couch, taking June’s other side and grabbing on to her forearm for comfort. 

“Juney, are you okay?” they asked. “Is everything alright?”

“She’s okay,” Katya took over, noticing June’s hesitation. “She’s gonna be just fine, right Junebug?” June steeled herself against Katya, hoping to soak up some of her bravery by osmosis as she took a deep breath and turned to face Stevie. 

“I’m okay. But I have something to tell you. Can we go upstairs?”

\---

“Come on, June, just tell me,” Stevie whined from where they sat cross-legged on their bed. “You’re okay. Honestly, whatever you’re about to say is probably way less crazy than whatever I’m imagining in my head.”

“I just…” June exhaled, shaking out her hands and cracking her neck as she paced the room. If there was anyone to practice telling this to for the first time, it was Stevie. She knew they’d be cool and calm and supportive, but they wouldn’t be too dramatic about it. That was exactly what she needed right now. Supportive, but not mushy. June inhaled, planting her feet and nearly holding her breath, as she mentally pushed herself off the cliff.

“I like girls,” June finally said, finally able to let herself breathe again. It was the first time she had said it out loud, and it felt good. It wasn’t as scary as she thought it would be. Her stomach turned a little bit, but her heart felt warm and glowy as she took in Stevie’s smirk.

“That’s it?” Stevie said. “I mean...not to kill your vibe...but I kinda knew that, J,” they admitted. 

“I know you did,” June rolled her eyes, swatting at their arm. “I didn’t though. Not until today. But now I do. And I’m...kinda shocked I didn’t all along.”

“Well, I’m proud of you. Honored to be the third person to know - I’m guessing behind my mom and yours?” Stevie asked.

“Um…” June stammered, looking down. “Your mom knows…”

“You haven’t told...oh. Okay. I mean, you don’t have to yet,” Stevie backpedaled. They knew they’d hit a nerve, and they didn’t want to push, but they also knew that out of every person on earth June could possibly tell, Trixie would be the proudest of her out of anyone. But having nothing to technically be afraid of doesn’t make something scary any less terrifying. Stevie knew that as well as anyone. 

“I know. I don’t know why the thought of telling her freaks me out so much,” June admitted, sinking down to sit on the floor beside Stevie’s mattress.

“I get it. It’s because she’s the most important person in your life. And I’m guessing her approval means the world to you. If it makes you feel any better...I was scared as shit to tell my mom too,” Stevie started, flopping back onto their bed and toying with a green throw blanket as they stared up at the glow in the dark stars that showered across their ceiling. “But honestly? The second I told her, it made me feel so much better. And I also knew that she’d be the hardest person to tell, so once I told her...everything else would be easier from there, you know?”

“Did...did she react weird at first?” June asked curiously, not moving from her spot on the floor with her legs sprawled out long and her back against the bed. “Obviously if you don’t want to tell me you don’t have to but -”

“No, dude, she threw me a fuckin’ party that night. That’s how stoked she was,” Stevie laughed. “I have a feeling your mom will be just as happy and excited and proud. Don’t feel like you have to rush telling her, but like...the sooner you tell her the sooner you don’t have to worry about telling her, you know?”

“That’s a good point,” June smirked. “I’ll think about it. I don’t know, this is all weird and new.”

“Totally. But it’s weird and new and GOOD. And don’t you let anyone tell you otherwise,” Stevie said seriously, clambering off the bed to sit next to June and look her dead in the eyes. “You can’t forget that even though it’s scary, this is a good thing.”

“That’s what your mom said too. And I won’t. I know that if anyone ever DID tell me otherwise, you’d beat the shit out of them,” June teased back, equal parts joking and dead serious. 

“I’m not even gonna argue with you on that,” Stevie smirked, wrapping June in a hug. “I absolutely would. Anything for you.”

June pulled away from Stevie and muttered, “Okay, that’s enough mushy for like...the next ten years.” Stevie let out a laugh, and for the first time that day, June did too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ta-da! we hope you enjoyed! if you did, let us know in the comments or on twitter - you can find us on the good old bird app at @sunshinehytes and @ageoflemon! we also promise more actual trixya is coming - this is just part of getting there, you'll see. also part of what katya said to june is from a cameo she did for our lovely friend ella, so thanks to her for letting us borrow her words 💖


	8. beautiful child

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi pals!! hope you had a lovely week <3 thanks for sticking with us on this wild ride! this chapter is really really special to us. we hope you like it as much as we liked writing it! TWs on this one for homophobia and panic. here we go, y'all -

The car was eerily quiet the next morning on the way to school. Dolly played softly on the radio, but June kept to herself, too lost in her own head to properly hold a conversation with her mom. Trixie kept stealing glances over at June, trying to figure out how to get her to say something substantial, but she eventually figured that their morning ritual was the best way to lighten the mood. She pressed “9 to 5” on her Spotify queue and let the familiar intro flood the speakers, a smile instantly taking her over. Trixie started singing at the beginning, channeling all her energy and optimism and care for June into the lyrics they’d both had drilled in their heads since before they could remember. She danced as much as she could while still driving safely, her shoulders shimmying to the percussion of the chorus, but June just sat pensive and still in her seat, twisting the end of one of her long blonde braids around her nervous fingers. Something about her was seriously off, and Trixie knew it. Her knees were tucked up to her chest, her mouth firmly clamped shut with a scowl, her normally perfectly winged liner a little fuzzy on the ends. She was clearly trying to hide something, and she wasn’t hiding it well. Trixie looked over at her and, in that moment, she decided that at the stop light, they weren’t turning left towards school. 

“Okay, pity party, if you don’t want to tell me what’s going on, you’re going to have to not tell me over pancakes. We’re playing hooky. And don’t tell me nothing’s wrong - I know you. If you’re not singing Dolly, something is up,” Trixie stated matter-of-factly. June opened her mouth to try to argue, but knew it wouldn’t get her anywhere. Trixie maneuvered the steering wheel to turn them right towards the local diner, giving June no choice but to go along with her plan. June knew that her mom was nothing if not stubborn, and she knew she stood no chance of convincing her everything was normal. June had never been particularly good at keeping secrets, especially not from her mom - she wore her heart on her sleeve AND in her facial expressions. 

Trixie half smiled at June’s lack of resistance. She had a surprisingly open morning, with no showings until later that day, but knew that Katya would worry about her if she didn’t show for their sacred coffee date, so she quickly pressed her number on speed dial and let Bluetooth blast the ringing of the phone through the car. The sound startled June, who jumped a little in her seat, clearly on edge. 

“Hiya, Trix, you on your way?”

“Hi Kats, I’m actually not gonna make it this morning. I’m headed for breakfast and a chat with my June,” she chirped in a sickeningly sweet tone, driving the nauseous feeling in June’s stomach even deeper into her core. It’s not like she KNOWS knows, June thought, but she definitely knows. And she wants to talk about it. Zoinks. 

“Okay, that’s fine! You two have fun. I’ll see you later then?” Katya responded with the slightest hesitation in her voice. Trixie just assumed it was because of her lack of explanation, but June could tell there were gears turning in Katya’s head. June brought her knees down from her chest to nervously tap her feet against the floor. 

“Yup. See you later!” Trixie smiled. 

“Bye!” Katya signed off curtly as Trixie hung up the phone. Not 10 seconds after the call ended, June felt her phone buzz under her thigh.

auntie kat❤️: You’ve got this, Junebug. Deep breaths. I love you.

Of course she knew, she thought. Katya always knows. June smiled ever so slightly and quickly typed back a message -- 

junebug: thank you kat, i love you too. so much.

\---

Trixie and June sat at their favorite booth at their favorite diner, wordlessly sifting through the menu despite the fact that they both ordered the exact same thing every single time they came here. June was just searching for an excuse to delay the inevitable conversation she was about to have with her mom, bending the menu in her hands to release the slightest bit of tension and clutching tightly onto Katya’s words from last night as some sort of beacon of hope.

“June?” Trixie asked hesitantly. June picked her head up from rereading the Appetizers section for the fourth time, trying to keep her face expressionless even though she knew exactly what she was about to hear.

“I...I don’t know what's going on, and I obviously don’t want to pry because you’re a teenager and your life is your business, but you seem...so sad.” Trixie explained, her voice filled with love and concern. “Ever since last night. And not like that day coming home from cheer practice sad, like existential crisis sad and I just hate it when you’re sad because you’re never sad and I don’t know what I can do to help and -”

“Stop.” June said forcefully, surprising even herself. Trixie’s eyes widened, and she nodded, gesturing to June that she had the floor. June took a tiny sip of water and looked down at her phone, where she kept the screen open to Katya’s text. She followed Katya’s instructions, taking the deepest breath her shallow chest would let her take, before starting again. “I don’t know how to say this. But...I need to say this. And I don’t know why I’m so fucking scared to, because it’s just words, there’s legitimately no reason why this should be so scary.”

“Whatever it is, you can tell me. I love you. No matter what,” Trixie smiled, eyes glistening, as she gave June her undivided attention.

June sucked in another deep breath, willing her heart to stop pounding and her hands to stop shaking. She is worthy of knowing you, she thought, turning the words over and over in her head as a mantra to keep her from spiraling. She hadn’t planned what she’d say when she finally worked up the courage to tell her, and now that she was here, she was at a complete loss for words. 

“I...um...fuck. I…”

The walls slowly caved in on June, and at this point, it was a familiar feeling. In a strange way, the panic almost comforted her. She logically knew that the sheer terror would subside soon, and after that, the joy she’d feel when her mom finally knew her - completely knew her - would make every shake in her voice and painful butterfly in her stomach worth it. She is not going to hate you, she can’t. She’s your mom, she loves you no matter what, she thought. But she couldn’t quite shake the fear. The palpable tension caused Trixie’s heart to ache - she felt it as if it were her own. The only way she knew how to help was to extend a hand across the table, holding intentional eye contact with her baby. June’s shaky hand reached out and grasped Trixie’s hand, attempting to steady herself and keep the room from spinning.

“Hey. Take your time. I’m right here. You’re okay,” Trixie encouraged. June let out a slow exhale, squeezing Trixie’s hand tight before finally blurting out -

“I like girls.” 

June felt all of the blood rush out of her head, letting one single tear fall down her cheek in fear and wincing in anticipation of her mom’s reaction. Her cheeks and ears burned as she anxiously prepared for rejection from the one person she knew she couldn’t handle rejection from. The rational part of her brain knew that there was no way she’d react poorly, but in the deepest darkest parts of her mind, she pictured the worst, most painful scenario - her mom walking out of the restaurant, leaving her vulnerable and alone and crying in an empty booth. But before she could let her imagination run too vividly, she looked up into her mom’s soulful eyes to see she had tears streaming down her face and a giant grin plastered across it.

“First of all,” Trixie started, as she blinked away tears and gripped June’s hand even tighter, “I am so proud of you and I support you with my whole heart and I love you no matter what. So just know that first, okay?”. June nodded, tears streaming down her face too as the clouds surrounding her head started to part. 

“And second?” June asked, nervous to know the answer to her own question. Trixie looked down, taking a deep breath not unlike the ones June remembered forcibly taking just a minute or two ago.

“I...” Trixie exhaled, her hand shaking in June’s, “um...I don’t know how to ask this but...how did you figure that out…?” June tilted her head a little, processing the idea in her head. She thought back to her conversation with Katya, the thoughts she’d had all night after, the way pieces of the puzzle had started to come together as she sat awake in bed at 3am. 

“I don’t know,” June sighed, “I think I just...the way that people always told me I was supposed to feel about Tyler never clicked for me. And then I realized that it had NEVER clicked for me with a guy. And then last night, I thought back to when we were living in LA, when Leah and I would have sleepovers and we would talk about kissing boys and all I could think about was...kissing her. And then it all suddenly clicked.”

This time, it was Trixie’s turn for the world to shift around her. Her eyes glazed over and her heart beat faster than it ever had before as she tried to process what June had told her. The realization hit her suddenly and forcefully. Those words, even if they were June’s, could have originated in her own brain...except the name changed from Leah to…

Katya. Trixie thought. Oh fuck.

“Mom?” June asked. Trixie lifted her head as a smirk painted itself on June’s lips and a devilish look took over her eyes. In a sickly sweet tone, she parroted, “you know...whatever it is, you can tell me. I love you no matter what.”

“You bitch. You did not just fucking use my own words on me,” Trixie rolled her eyes. 

“Hey, if it works it works,” June shrugged, coming back to sincerity now. “But seriously. I can see it in your eyes. I know that look. It was mine 90 seconds ago.”

“Fuck…” Trixie exhaled. “I don’t know...um...that sounds just like me.”

“You can say it, I know you can,” June encouraged, a familiar glow returning to her cheeks. “I don’t know, it was scary but...it made me feel better. Might do the trick for you too.”

“Okay,” Trixie breathed out, knowing that if she took the time to process the thought, the words wouldn’t come out. “I like girls too.” She realized it in the same moment she said it out loud for the first time. And honestly, she’s not sure if she completely understood what it meant - what label was right or if she needed a label at all or what it meant for the future. But June was right. Saying it helped. 

June just sat and blinked at Trixie for a few, torturous seconds. Trixie nervously cleared her throat, and June finally spoke.

“I love you, more than anything in the world, but...steal my thunder, much?” June smiled, clearly trying to joke her way out of a sincere moment she knew she wasn’t about to escape. 

“Maybe a little.” Trixie sniffled, wiping a stray tear from under her eye. “I don’t know, I don’t want to like...steal your spotlight. This is your moment. I just...I thought it might help you feel less alone. I love you so much. And I’m so proud of you.”

“I’m proud of you too. So so proud,” June beamed back at her, wiping a tear away with the hand she wasn’t holding on to Trixie with as if she was her lifeline. And she kind of was.

“God, I hate how cheesy we are right now.” Trixie laughed. “This is so stupid.”

“I know. Not that we’re not cheesy always, but this might take the cake.” June exhaled. “I can’t believe how nervous I was. I knew Katya was right, she told me that - “

“Wait, Katya knows?” Trixie interrupted. “I mean, I’m obviously not mad she knows, that’s more than fine, but...”. A deep red blush bloomed across Trixie’s cheeks that June definitely clocked, but was hesitant to point out. One step at a time, June laughed to herself. 

“I told her last night. And Stevie. I’m sorry. I needed practice.” June admitted. Trixie smiled and squeezed her hand.

“It’s more than okay, bug. I’m just glad you told me.”

“Of course. I want you to know everything.” June smiled. She quickly picked up her phone and fired off a simple “I DID IT” text to Stevie before turning her attention back to her mom.

“Yeah, so only you three know,” June continued, reaching out again for Trixie’s hand. “I need to tell Dad too, but I obviously wanted to tell you first.” Trixie’s face visibly paled and she snapped her hand back, refusing to make eye contact with June. She had hoped to put off telling this story for much much longer than she had. She knew June would have to find out one way or another, and in that instant, she realized that however painful this conversation might be, it would be better coming from her than it would be coming from him. 

“Um, baby...there’s something you should know.” Trixie gulped. June braced herself, feeling like she knew what was coming but not letting herself believe it until she heard it out loud. “Like I said, I am proud of you and I love you no matter who you are or who you love, you know that. But...I...your dad might not feel the same way.”

June felt a pang go straight through her chest, the weight of her mom’s confession hitting her harder than she had envisioned it would. She tried to look up into Trixie’s eyes, tried to give her support in any way she knew how, but everything in her body was drawing her towards the floor right now. Her stomach was doing flips - even as she sat still, this feeling felt like the worst kind of motion sickness. 

“I never wanted to tell you this full story, never felt like you should have to deal with what I had to, but you deserve to know, especially now,” Trixie started. The last thing she wanted in the world was to make her baby sad, but she continued on nonetheless. “I told you that the reason your dad and I split up was because we were having some trouble relating to each other, right? We were having some disagreements?” June nodded. Trixie audibly exhaled, another tear falling down her face just as June looked up to see her let out a full body sob, collapsing her head into her arms where they lay stretched across the table. 

Trixie didn’t have to say more for June to know. She was smart, she could infer. June felt her heart shatter into a million pieces, wishing she could find the words to tell her mom that it was okay and that she was sorry and that everything would be fine, but not knowing how to say it in so many words. So she stood up from her side of the booth quickly, slid herself next to her mom and cuddled into her chest, holding on to her to try and make her feel more at ease.

“It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. We’ve got each other.” June assured her. Trixie nodded, stunned that her own child was the one comforting her, but grateful nonetheless. She held her tight, took a deep breath, and continued.

“I had always known he had...some more conservative views. But I didn’t really know how deeply rooted they were until...until the night Katya posted about Stevie’s coming out party on Facebook.” Trixie admitted. June let out a tiny gasp, her hand coming to cover her mouth as she felt yet another tear roll down her face. “I obviously commented on the post, congratulating them and telling them I wish I could be there, because...I just love Stevie. I love them with my whole heart. I couldn’t have been happier for them. And your dad...he couldn’t have been angrier about that.” By this point, both of them were weeping, sobbing helplessly into each other's arms and clinging to each other for dear life. Luckily, the diner was relatively empty, but even if it had been the wildest of dinner rushes and every seat had been filled, it would’ve felt like the world only existed for the two of them in that moment. 

“He saw my comment supporting them and when I got home from recording that night, he was drunk out of his mind,” Trixie continued, wincing at the memory. “He started calling me a sinner, threw every slur he knew at me, told me that by supporting them I was encouraging disgusting behavior. I told him that if he wasn’t comfortable with me being there for one...no, two of the most important people in my life, that...well...he didn’t deserve to be on that list of people anymore. So he took himself off of it. He walked out to the bar that night, and you and I left for Boston the next day.” Trixie took a pause, trying to catch her breath. June couldn’t quite place her emotions - she was equal parts disgusted at her father and in awe of her mother, but right now, she realized that all she cared about was the latter. 

“I love you. I don’t know what to say other than that. I love you, and I’m proud of you, and thank you for telling me.” June cried. Trixie squeezed her tighter and let her go, exhaling with the relief of opening up to June. There was so much more to the story than June had ever heard, and she knew how much it would hurt her when she finally understood why her father slowly distanced himself from her. Trixie had spent years trying to figure out how to ensure that June didn’t internalize it or destroy herself because of it. But she still didn’t know what to do. She sighed again and kissed the top of June’s head. 

“I don’t want him in my life at all if he believes Stevie’s existence, our existences, are wrong.” June mumbled. “You’re enough for me.”

Resting her head on June’s, Trixie slowly closed her eyes and sadly smiled, allowing the tears to slide down her cheeks. “You are my favorite person. I love you, Juney.” 

They stayed wrapped in each other’s embrace for a few minutes until June’s phone buzzed yet again on the other side of the table and she scooted back across to check it. She lifted her phone to see four texts from Stevie lighting up her phone screen.

stevie👽: FUCK YES.  
stevie👽: i knew you could. seriously. not to be soft but damn it juney i’m so so so proud of you.  
stevie👽: how’d she take it??? are you okay??? do you need me to leave class and call you???  
stevie👽: june??? bb answer me please

“Everything okay?” Trixie asked. June realized she’d been staring slack jawed at her phone for a second, drawing a blank on how to act normal after hearing maybe the most painful story she’d ever heard.

“Oh, yeah. Just Stevie texting me.” June admitted, looking back down at her phone to respond. She couldn’t not tell them --

june☀️: she literally turned around with “i like girls too”.

Stevie responded instantly --

stevie👽: BITCH  
stevie👽: I JUST SCREAMED AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS IN ALGEBRA TWO  
stevie👽: OH MY GOD

June smiled at her screen. “Actually...would you mind if I went over there after school?” 

“Of course. I’ll drop you there as soon as classes end. I have a meeting at 4 but maybe after I’ll come catch up with Katya.” Trixie smiled at the thought of it. June nodded, sending off another text.

june☀️: i’ll come over later and tell you everything, but i just had to tell you as soon as i did it.  
stevie👽: obviously. okay, go eat pancakes. you deserve it. love you, rockstar.  
june☀️: love you too. even if it’s cheesy.

“By the way...speaking of Katya...” June teased.

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you fucking dare.” Trixie giggled, a mischievous glint in her eye. 

“She likes you. You know she likes you. And you know you like her. It’s literally that simple.” June said it as if it was the easiest thing in the world. Trixie knew it wasn’t actually that simple, but appreciated the sentiment. 

“As if,” she laughed back, not wanting to unpack her sexuality crisis and her deep-rooted commitment to her 17 year old daughter. She knew June would keep pestering her about this until the end of time, but she just let herself bask in the company of her brave and kind Junebug, and in the thought of the pancakes she knew would be almost as sweet as this moment. 

\---

After stacks and stacks of pancakes and a full day of adventures, Trixie’s car sped into the driveway of the Zamolodchikova’s. Trixie let her go with a quick hug, telling her to promise Katya that she’d be back later to catch up. As soon as Trixie’s car turned the corner, June rang the doorbell of the familiar house. Stevie answered the door instantly, tackling June into a giant hug that she wasn’t expecting, their blue hair nearly whipping June in the face with the force of their aggressive love. June closed her eyes and felt herself melt into Stevie’s arms, let herself drink in every ounce of pride and warmth and kindness. As soon as Stevie pulled back, their piercing blue eyes sparkled as they looked straight into June’s, a smile overtaking their face as they gave her a tiny nod. They didn’t need words to get their point across. June’s eyes soared over Stevie’s shoulder to see Katya standing in the foyer entrance, leaning casually against the wall, her face painted with concern. 

“Junebug, baby, did you…?”

June felt tears spring back up in her eyes again as she vigorously nodded. Katya beamed back at her, letting out a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding before bounding over and hugging her close. 

“That’s my girl,” Katya sighed as she squeezed her Junebug tight. 

Just as Katya was about to pull away, she heard her phone ring in the kitchen. She quickly excused herself to go grab it and saw Trixie’s smiling contact photo staring back up at her. Confused, she picked up.

“Hi Tri -”

“Thank you.” Trixie blurted out. Katya didn’t need to ask for what. She knew.

“Of course”, Katya exclaimed. “Anything for her. I love her. I’m so proud of her.”

She could hear Trixie smiling on the other end of the line. “Me too”, she sighed. “Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE WHEELS ARE IN MOTION, PEOPLE. sorry that chapter was painful levels of fluffy. let us know what you thought in the comments - and, as always, you can hang out with us on twitter at @sunshinehytes and @ageoflemon! love you all!
> 
> xoxo m&m


	9. heroes are hard to find

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi dolls!!
> 
> happy friday - hope you're having a good week! this is a really long chapter that is really really close to our hearts. we hope you love it as much as we do.
> 
> **VERY SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNING** this chapter contains serious discussions of self harm, self harm thoughts, and sharp objects. if any of these things are triggers for you, please take care of yourself and either skip this chapter or make sure you aren't already in a vulnerable state before reading. we love you and we just want you safe and happy <3
> 
> that being said, here's ch9 -

Katya was beyond grateful for the crisp October breeze that day as she stepped out of her car in the coffee shop parking lot. Her weekly hot yoga class had been particularly hot today, and her cherry red leggings and matching tank top hugged tight to her body as she drew her arms above her head, stretching out the last of the knots in her side before gliding through the glass doors, her caffeine headache starting to pinch her temples and driving her towards her morning latte.

But like always, the universe has other plans, and in Katya’s case, her plan came in the form of Brooke leaning lazily across the closest table to the door, swiping whipped cream off of the top of Vanessa’s drink with her finger and seductively sucking it off of her finger. Katya shuddered and almost turned around, content to settle for drive-through coffee if it meant avoiding this, before hearing…

“Katya, hey!” Vanessa chirped, as Brooke turned to smile at her as well. “Fancy seeing you here. I’m on break now, but I can make you your latte in just a few.”

“Uh, okay,” Katya nervously mumbled. “Thanks.”

“Sure thing! How are you? How’s Trixie?” Vanessa asked, turning to face her. Brooke’s eyes narrowed in interest as Katya shuffled her feet beneath her.

“I’m good! Yoga this morning, per norm. And Trixie? I mean, she’s good, but like, I’m not her keeper…” Katya replied, “I think she and June are just home today...that’s her daughter.”

“I didn’t know you had a step-daughter,” Brooke smiled, clearly trying to strike a nerve with Katya. And it worked like a charm. Katya’s stomach turned and she felt a chill run down her already-sore spine as she turned her gaze to the floor.

“Um, no…I mean I have my kid, Stevie, but June is...she’s just Trixie’s, we’re not like...together or anything.”

“Wait, you’re not?” Vanessa shrieked, almost knocking her drink off of the table. Katya flinched - Vanessa was sweet, but sometimes her energy level scared her. And that was saying something considering the human cloud of cotton candy she actively sought out on a daily basis. “I could have SWORN you two were an item.”

“Uh no, we’re just best friends. Plus, she’s straight.” Katya’s tone was matter-of-fact, but Brooke knew her well enough to hear the deep emotion beneath the surface. Brooke’s eyebrows raised as she swirled her straw in her iced coffee.

“Straight my ass,” Brooke laughed. “Listen, Zamo, even if she told you she’s not into girls or whatever, she is clearly into YOU. I see the way she looks at you. You can see it in her eyes. She’d do anything for you. And I think you know that.”

Katya’s eyes nearly popped out of their sockets and rolled across the white tile floor of the shop, clanging around like a Campbell’s soup can in those old commercials she used to make fun of. She rapidly blinked a few times, trying to get her brain to form any semblance of a response or a sentence or even an acknowledgement that Brooke had spoken, but she truly was speechless. Her feelings for Trixie were not unbeknownst to her - as much as she tried to shove them under mountains of “she doesn’t like girls” and heaps of “you wouldn't be her type even if she was”, she couldn’t deny that they existed. Everything in her body was willing her to turn on her heel and book it back to her car before she had to continue small talk with Brooke and Vanessa...except her headache throbbed in her ears, and she knew that if she didn’t get some espresso in her system, it would only make her inevitable mental spiral worse. 

“Um...can I just...get my coffee?” Katya stammered, hoping with everything she had that this moment would be over soon.

“Sure thing, Katya,” Vanessa smiled, standing up from the table and planting a quick kiss on Brooke’s cheek before skipping over to the espresso bar. “Latte, per norm?” Katya smiled and nodded, grateful for Vanessa’s ever-keen attention to detail.

“I’m serious though, Zamo,” Brooke continued, reaching out to grasp her long french-tipped nails around Katya’s wrist. “I know that look in her eye. It’s the look I used to have when I saw you. I don’t know exactly what it means, but it definitely isn’t nothing. And you’ll regret it forever if you don’t at least try to find out.”

Katya glanced down at Brooke’s hand on her wrist before she nodded and forced back a tight-lipped smile. She finally forced herself to scurry to the counter to pick up her drink from Vanessa. She thanked her, making sure she knew to put it on her tab, before saying the fastest possible goodbye and bolting out the doors again. The cold breeze outside that had felt comforting and refreshing just moments ago now stung with frost and uncertainty as Katya clambered into the driver’s seat of her Range Rover and turned the key in the ignition. 

\---

Katya kicked the front door to her house closed behind her, her hands full with her yoga mat and her latte. She hung the strap of her black and white houndstooth mat over the coat rack and kicked off her sneakers. She set her latte down on the small table that sat by the stairs because she knew it had to cool down a little more before she made any attempt of taking a sip. In the meantime, she decided she’d go check if Stevie was awake yet. She tiptoed up the stairs, knowing that if they were still asleep, the sound of her footsteps would be more than enough to wake them. When she reached the top of the steps, she cocked her head to the side to concentrate on the sounds coming from behind the door. Usually she could hear their soft snores through their bedroom door, but tonight, that’s not what she heard. Instead, she heard a faint sniffling noise followed by a tiny whimper and a whispered “fuck”.

“Stevie, baby?” Katya called out, rapping her knuckles against the door for emphasis. “Everything okay in there?” The noises behind the door stopped abruptly as Katya heard a tiny gasp. She didn’t get a response, but her mom senses were tingling. She could tell that something was going on, and Katya only saw two options for what it could be: something terribly illegal, or something terribly wrong. There was only one way to find out though, so Katya took a deep breath and swung Stevie’s door open, trying to stride as casually as she could into the room. 

The sight in front of her was what could’ve been described as Katya’s worst nightmare come to life. Stevie sat perched on their bed, their big ocean eyes bloodshot and glassy as blue mascara tears streamed down the porcelain of their face. The length of the tracks told Katya that these certainly weren’t fresh tears - this had been at least an hour in the making. In their hands, she could just barely make out a glint of something silver and rectangular and shiny. Katya had never felt her blood turn to ice in an instant until now. Her eyes blurred and crossed for a moment as she tried to process what was in front of her. She blinked, trying to center herself and let herself take a breath that her lungs weren’t letting her take in, before turning from panic mode to parent mode. 

“Stevie...honey…” Katya cooed, approaching the bed. “Can...can I see what you have in your hand?” Stevie recoiled, scampering across the bed to lean their back against the opposite wall and gripping their palm tighter around the object they were holding. “No no, baby, it’s alright. I’m not gonna make you do anything. From the looks of it, I know what it is. It’s okay - I’m not going to try to take it from you, I just want to know how I can help.”

“You can’t help. Nobody can help,” Stevie sobbed, their voice dripping with despair. Katya’s heart shattered as she wracked her brain for something, anything she could do to make the situation even a tiny bit better. She knew that trying to wrestle it out of their hands would only make matters worse - she remembered trying that once with Trixie and it miserably backfiring on her. At this point, force was about the last thing Stevie needed. They needed care and compassion. They needed someone who got them and understood exactly how they felt. They needed…

“I think I know someone who can,” Katya admitted. Stevie looked up at her, their lip quivering with fear. “Do you mind if they try? I promise you they understand.” Stevie looked down, blinking the tears out of their eyes, before giving her a tiny nod. 

“Mom...I’m scared,” Stevie choked out. “I don’t know what to do.” Their shoulders shook from their sobs as their palm opened just enough for Katya to confirm what she feared most. 

Swallowing the gasp stuck in her throat, Katya replied, “You don’t have to know what to do, honey. This isn’t a situation where there's a clear cut answer. And all I can do is tell you I love you. I love you more than anything on this planet. But as much as I love you, I know that there’s someone who can help you ten times more than I’d ever know how to, so I’m gonna go make a phone call, okay? Can you hang tight until then? I’ll be right back.” Stevie nodded once again, leaving Katya to scurry out the door and whip her phone out from her back pocket. Shakily, she dialed the number, hoping and praying that it wouldn’t send her to that all-too-familiar voicemail. After one ring, she answered. 

“Hey you, how was yoga?” Trixie chirped, her tone airy and her sing-songy voice as peppy as ever. Katya almost felt bad dropping a bomb on her like this - she seemed so happy and carefree. But she knew that Brooke had been right. Trixie would do anything for her.

“I need you,” Katya barely got out through the tears forming in her eyes. Upstairs, with Stevie in front of her, she had to try her hardest to shut off her own emotions while she came up with a plan. Now, as reality was starting to set in, it stung hard. It pricked Katya’s eyes and radiated heat under every inch of her skin. “I came back home and went into Stevie’s room and they...they were holding…”

“I’m on my way,” Trixie quipped back, as Katya heard the sound of Trixie’s footsteps rapidly padding along her hardwood floors. “I’m just going to throw on a sweater and I’ll be there literally as fast as my car will take me. You just tell them to hang on until then, okay?”

“I did. And okay,” Katya sniffled, everything hitting her at once - the polarity of her infinite worry for Stevie and her absolute adoration for Trixie leaving her feeling vulnerable and numb.

“And hey, you hang on until then too, okay? We’re gonna be fine. We’re gonna get through this,” Trixie promised. “Pinky swear.”

“Pinky swear,” Katya replied, pressing the “End Call” button and giving in to her sobs for a moment. She knew she had to pull it together, knew she had to be strong for her kid. But she needed just a second to give in to her own panic, and the infinite fear that she had unknowingly done something wrong and made things worse for them.

Trixie somehow made the ten minute drive from her house to Katya’s in somewhere around six and a half minutes. She pounded on the door, and Katya was already there within one knock to let her in. In her pink and white sweater dress with a patchwork of hearts, swooping in to save the day, Katya could have sworn that she’d never been closer to an angel. 

“Thank you, thank you, thank yo-” Katya started, before being interrupted. 

“Kat. You know I’d do anything for them. Where are they?” Trixie continued, kicking off her white kitten heels at the door. 

“In their room. You can go up if you want. Should I come with you? I don’t know what I should do, I want to help but I don’t want to overwhelm them and I’m so upset at myself that I don’t know how to help, I just -” Katya’s sea glass eyes let out one more tear and Trixie leaned forward to catch it with the pad of her thumb, letting her other hand catch Katya’s restless palm in her own. 

“Hey. They’re gonna be just fine, okay? You take a breath or two down here, drink a little water for me, and just give me a shot at this. I won’t lie to you, I’m pretty good at this kind of thing,” Trixie smiled reassuringly, and Katya’s heart soared as she gave a gentle nod. Trixie gently squeezed her hand, dropping a gentle kiss on her forehead before letting go and walking up the short flight of stairs to Stevie’s room. She took a second outside their door, pulling in a deep breath and slowly letting it out, before giving the door a tiny little knock. 

“Stevie, angel? Can I come in?” Trixie asked, knowing full well she’d be entering the room regardless of what they said. Silence on the other end was not what she was hoping for, but it was better than outright denial, so she barged into the room and her heart immediately broke. Stevie had never looked so small in their life, their legs dangling over the side of the bed as they lay back across their comforter.

“Stevie...hi, babycakes. Is it alright if I come sit next to you?” Trixie didn’t want to push her luck, but knew that the conversation she was hoping to have would be much better received at eye level. Stevie gave a tiny, terrified nod and sat up as Trixie hopped up on the bed, perching herself on Stevie’s right side. Trixie knew enough about this position to know that she had to be the first one to talk, so she wrung her hands together in her lap and started the only way she knew how.

“You know, I had plenty of nights like this when I was your age,” Trixie started, her energy calmer than normal yet filled with quiet confidence. “Let me just...take a guess. Right now...you’re feeling hopeless. Or no, more like...helpless? Like you don’t know what to do to make yourself feel better, so you think that maybe making yourself feel worse might make you feel something at all. Does that sound about right?”

Stevie looked down at their hands and slowly shook their head yes. Trixie waited, giving them a chance to speak, before realizing that words weren’t even in the realm of possibility yet for them.  _ That’s okay,  _ Trixie thought.  _ We’ll get there. _

“Trust me...I know. I’m guessing by the look of it you have something in your hand you don’t want me to see and you don’t quite want to let go of. That’s okay, I’m not going to make you. Believe me, I know it won’t help if I try to take it from you.” Stevie’s eyes went wide as their fist curled tighter. They were so sure that Trixie was coming in here to rip the razor blade out of their hand and smack them across the face to snap them out of it. Trixie was emotional and passionate and convincing, but that love usually manifested in her going full tilt I’m A Strong Single Mom And I Make The Rules mode, using a combination of charm and force to get her way when it came to emergencies. Stevie had never seen her concern manifest quite like this before. She was steadfast and calm and understanding, and despite their current situation, it filled Stevie with an inner peace that they had never felt before.

Trixie left them space to chime in again, hoping they would. She felt all too vulnerable in opening her heart to Stevie, telling them things so few people knew about her life, but she had a suspicion that baring her soul would help Stevie feel less alone. She ran her hands over the fleece blanket that sat crumpled next to her, trying to find comfort as she continued. “And I’m not going to tell you that the feelings you have right now aren’t totally understandable - they are. Believe me, I gave in to them far far far too many times,” Trixie explained, tucking her feet under to sit criss cross applesauce and resting her elbows on her knees. 

“Really?” Stevie asked timidly, barely choking out the single word.

“Oh, absolutely. I gave in for a VERY long time. For years. But, eventually I realized that even though I wasn’t the only person I was hurting by doing that, I had to start wanting better for MYSELF. Not for anyone else. But for me. And...it was so hard,” Trixie remembered, a chill running down her spine as her eyes welled up with tears. She willed them to stay in the corners of her eyes, knowing that she couldn’t get too emotional or it could scare Stevie off. She had to stay tough for them. “You have no clue the number of times your mom had to come over and hold both of my hands for hours just so I didn’t do something I knew I’d regret. I had to buy her like 5 new white t-shirts because I ruined so damn many with my mascara. I’d beg her to let me go, beg her to just let me give in. But she never did. And I definitely messed up and fell back a few times, but now...I haven’t for...well...I guess you get to a point where you stop being able to remember how many years it’s been. And that’s when you know.”

Stevie nodded back at her, finally lifting their eyes to find Trixie’s were just as filled with tears as theirs were. It’s not that they felt better knowing how much Trixie had gone through and come out on the other end as this person they looked up to more than anyone, but it made them feel less misunderstood. They’d never felt closer to her - and they knew that if Trixie was okay, they had a tiny chance of eventually ending up okay too. But the one thing they knew for sure was that they weren’t getting any closer to that reality with a razorblade still in their hands. As if she could read their mind, Trixie started in again, with a slightly different approach - 

“Can I make another bold assumption that is...let’s be honest, probably right? I’m guessing you don’t want to be holding what you’re holding but you’re too scared to let go of it because it means letting go of control. Am...am I right?” Trixie pondered. Stevie’s jaw dropped in an almost comical manner. It didn’t just feel like Trixie was inside their brain, it felt like she had lived there forever and was now wandering around like she was the damn mayor. The shock gently shook them out of their stupor - at least enough for them to start trying to use words.

“Y...yeah. I think I need help,” Stevie admitted sheepishly. Trixie smiled. It was the first full sentence they’d said since she’d gotten upstairs, and Trixie knew full well that once that sense of speech started to come back, some of the sanity came with it. 

“I think I might know just the trick. It’s gonna suck, but it’ll work. Do you trust me?” Trixie asked. Stevie nodded. Of course they trusted her. They always did, but right now, they trusted her more than anyone. “Okay. We’re not going to think about it like letting go of what we’re holding. All we need to do is open our hand and keep it open for a count of 3. When we get to 3, we can close it again. And I say we because we’re in this together, you and me. This is OUR fight, not just yours. Do you think we can try that? It might feel a little uncomfy or get a little panicky for a second after, but that’s what I’m here for.” 

Stevie nodded again. They weren’t sure what exactly Trixie’s plan was, but the reality of their situation right now scared them ten times more than the unknown, especially when the unknown was in Trixie’s steadfast control. They shifted their back to let their spine line up straight, cracked their achy neck, and looked over at Trixie to signal that they were ready. She placed a hand on their knee, trying to help them stay grounded.

“Okay, you badass. We can do this. All you have to do is open your hand, that’s it. We can do it on our own time, I’m good whenever you are,” Trixie encouraged. Stevie nodded, closing their eyes tight and trying to relax the tension that was starting to spread through their shoulders. Everything in their head told them that opening their hand would be the worst possible option - the only possible way for them to lose more control in the world than they’d already lost. But they remembered Trixie sitting beside them, remembered how intricately and intimately she knew where their brain was at. She wasn’t going to lead them astray. Even more than that, Stevie knew she believed in them - that hurt even more.  _ Don’t let her down  _ was their only thought as they held their breath and let their fingers splay open across the comforter. Their heartbeat thundered in their ears, so loud they could barely hear Trixie count to 3, but when they closed their hand again, they found Trixie’s fingers slotted in between theirs, warmth and comfort in their palm where cold metal and icy fear sat moments ago. Stevie let out a painful whimper, now realizing why Trixie said it was going to suck. Tension shot up their arm as their brain raced, scrambling to find a way to regain control. They squirmed around, trying to shake the discomfort from where it rooted deep under their skin, but Trixie just squeezed their hand tight, rubbing slow circles on their knuckles with her thumb and not daring to say a word. Once the feeling started to pass, they fluttered their eyes open to see her smiling the biggest, dopiest grin at them. 

“I’m so damn proud of you, you know that, right?” Trixie smiled. “I KNOW that’s not easy. You’re a fucking champ.” Stevie smiled, glowy pink flooding their cheeks as they squeezed her hand back. It was their wordless way of saying thank you, and Trixie felt it in her racing heart. She kissed them on the forehead, and they repositioned to lie their head in Trixie’s lap as their brain started to come down from Code Red. 

“What...what do I do if it happens again…” Stevie wondered aloud.

“Well, you text me, and then all you have to do is hang on for the 10 minutes or less it takes me to get here. You know what?” Trixie’s eyes twinkled. “I have an idea - well, it wasn’t my idea, it was kind of...well, it was 100% your mom’s from back in the day when I needed this. Let’s come up with a signal. It can even just be an emoji. For when things are too much to explain but you just need me. You send it, I come running. Does that sound okay?” 

Stevie’s eyes welled up in tears as they nodded. “I don’t want to be a burden though…”

“Stevie, look at me,” Trixie urged. Their eyes glanced up at hers as she stared them down with a trademark glare. “You are NEVER a burden to me. EVER. You’re my baby too, okay?” Now the tears were flowing two-fold. Stevie sniffled, trying to regain their cool.

“Um...yellow hearts are kind of your thing with my mom right? Can we use a yellow heart? Does that work?” they asked sheepishly.

Trixie beamed, running a hand through their midnight blue hair. “That’s perfect, babe.”

\---

It’s only been half an hour or so, but Katya felt like she’d aged several decades since Trixie went upstairs. She’d tried to sit at the kitchen table and drink her latte that had already started to get cold, but sitting made her too anxious, so she started pacing the living room, but she was too sore from yoga to be standing up. She finally landed on the couch, her long legs sprawled across the plush leather as Fleetwood Mac played on the speaker system, taking her nervous energy out on the very unlucky rim of her paper coffee cup that was now riddled with tiny bite marks. The music nearly masked the sound of Trixie’s lithe footsteps trodding down the stairs, but as soon as she felt her energy behind her, Katya whipped her head around and jumped to her feet.

“Are they okay? Are you okay? God, Trixie, I was so worried, it was so long, I didn’t know what -” Katya started. Trixie’s bright smile and gentle gaze stopped her nervous rambling. 

“They’re all good. We had a talk, I helped, and they ended up falling asleep on my lap. I wasn’t going to move them, but I figured they’d sleep better on a pillow than on my itchy tights. I even gave them our old signal trick,” Trixie laughed. Katya was stunned at her level of composure - she knew she’d be nothing short of a train wreck if she had been the one to comfort them.

“God, they’re lucky they can just text you, back in our day we had to send out a fucking smoke signal. Or at least use the landline,” Katya reminisced. Trixie let out a noise somewhere between a chuckle and a sigh. “But...they’re okay? They’re safe?”

“They’re okay, honey. They’re gonna be just fine,” Trixie promised, grabbing Katya’s hands and leading her back to sit on the couch. “I mean, obviously, it takes work. You know that - you were right there working through it with me. But they’re so tough. And they have both of us.”

“They do,” Katya agreed. At that moment, she knew that she should have only been focusing on how relieved she was that her kid was okay, how fearful she was that things weren’t fixable. But sitting there across from the girl that had told Katya on the worst of high school nights that she didn’t think she would make it to the morning, seeing how strong and brave she was, knowing how far she’d come, the only emotion Katya could feel was pride. Overwhelming, dizzying, sickly sweet pride for the tiny little spitfire she was lucky enough to call her best friend. It radiated through every inch over her body, coursed through her veins as sure as blood. 

“Kat? Everything okay?” Trixie asked. She must have zoned out, but she instantly snapped back into reality. She made a decision in that moment that was honestly unlike her in many ways - the decision that she couldn’t let her sappy thoughts go unexpressed. Katya wasn’t one for sincerity, but she had to tell her. Some things just can’t go unsaid. 

“I’m...god, Trix. I’m so fucking proud of you. You know that, right?”

“Why?” Trixie scoffed. The realization that Trixie genuinely didn’t know why almost sent Katya spiraling. She took a breath to collect herself, inching closer to Trixie as she tried her best to not get too carried away with her thoughts. 

“I’ve known you for long enough to know that...you had days far worse than the one Stevie’s having right now,” Katya started. Trixie’s eyes widened as she settled her back into the cushions. “When you thought you couldn’t fight the demons in your head anymore, when you thought they’d eventually be your downfall. And now...look at you. Obviously those demons still exist, but you’ve learned so much and gone through hell and come out of all of it as this...this compassionate and tenacious and beyond perfect person. And I’m just so...I am in awe of you. I truly couldn’t be prouder of you. I couldn’t.”

“Kat, stop...I…” Trixie trailed off, tears welling up in her eyes. A single droplet cascaded down her rosy cheek, and Katya tenderly leaned in to brush it away. In that moment, Trixie’s heart completely stopped beating. It screeched to a halt in the middle of the tracks. Excruciatingly painful butterflies flooded her stomach, butterflies so painful she wasn’t certain that they weren’t rampant moths or something. Of course she logically knew that Katya was just closing the gap between them to wipe her tears, but her heart hoped so irrationally that she was leaning in for a different reason that for a second, she let herself believe it. Her breath hitched, the blood rushed from her face, and sweat pooled at the nape of her neck. The gasp was small enough for Trixie to convince herself that Katya hadn’t noticed, but big enough for her to be entirely wrong on that front. Katya noticed. Because Katya ALWAYS noticed. Every little half smile, every sparkle in her eye, any little tiny thing Trixie paid no attention to - Katya held on to it fervently and ferociously. Fire flickered in Katya’s eyes for a split second before she lifted the pad of her thumb to softly swipe away the tear from Trixie’s cheek.

“You’re my hero, you know that right?” Katya asked. Trixie felt her entire body and soul start to melt, like a strawberry ice cream cone left under the most brilliant and burning of red hot suns. 

“You’re mine too,” Trixie exhaled, her heart caught in her throat. “You’re mine too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE PROMISE THE SLOW BURN IS ALMOST OVER FOLKS. but we hope you liked this chapter - we've truly been crying over it all week. thoughts? comments? want to be our friend? comment below or find us on twitter at @sunshinehytes & @ageoflemon <3
> 
> xoxo M&M


	10. world turning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi kids! sorry this one is a little late - it's been quite a week. some fluff, some realizations, and some chaos ahead. here we go!

“June? You coming?” Trixie yelled up the stairs, struggling to keep the nervous energy from seeping out in her tone. Trixie had been fabricating reasons to delay this day for far too long at this point - she knew June had been excelling in her lessons at the local driver’s ed school. She knew that logically. Still, the thought of sitting in the passenger seat while her tiny child commanded the giant metal deathtrap down the winding streets of Boston gave her heart palpitations. She knew she would have to take her driving eventually so she could log hours for her permit and inevitably get her license, but she was hoping to put it off until June was at least...25 years old. At least. June’s lack of a response was a glimmer of hope that maybe she’d decided she wasn’t ready to drive after all, so Trixie happily plodded upstairs to plan the rest of the day with her - one without vehicles involved. Trixie found June sitting on her bed, fastening the buttons on a pale yellow overall dress that she wore over a lacy white long-sleeve. The lightest, shortest locks of her blonde hair were daintily pinned back with tiny pink butterfly clips as she lazily smiled at the stack of Polaroid photos in her hands. 

Trixie grinned too, plopping down next to her on the bed as they leafed through the stack together. The previous night had been their school’s homecoming dance - and even though Trixie was excited that hers and Katya’s planning, along with the rest of the PTA, had gone exactly according to schedule, she was even happier that June truly enjoyed her night, even if she didn’t actually attend the dance. She and Stevie had decided that the wounds from June’s former friends were still a tad too fresh, so the two of them had chosen their own adventure. The night started with a trip to the thrift store a few miles away to pick outfits for each other - Stevie picked a powder blue suit with a white lace button-up for June and June found the most glittery sequined silver mini dress for Stevie. They came home, took stupid polaroids on the Zamo’s porch, and spent hours and hours attempting to one-up each other with rollerblading tricks at a little neon-lit skating rink that had been a favorite of June’s growing up. They both ended up dozing off on the couch, full with pizza and milkshakes, Scream 3 playing in the background as their moms sat alongside them, doe-eyed and full-hearted. 

June might’ve called it the best night of her life. She never would’ve guessed even just a year ago that she would’ve spent last night anywhere other than dancing to a stupid Dan and Shay song cradled in Tyler’s arms, uncomfortable and anxious and unhappy. The fact that she didn’t was nothing sort of a miracle in her eyes. And the pictures were adorable too.

“You two are the cutest,” Trixie beamed. “I think that one’s my favorite.” She pointed at a particularly stupid and blurry photo Katya had taken - instead of just taking the photo of June and Stevie as they’d asked, she whipped the camera around, startling Trixie as she stood next to her, and pulled them all in close to take a selfie. It was messy and imperfect and somehow so perfectly captured their harmonious chaos. It made Trixie’s heart soar. 

“Me too,” June nodded. “I mean, they’re all great. But with Stevie and I looking nothing like ourselves and you and Katya in dresses to go tell the kids to leave room for Jesus, it almost looks like we’re the ones sending YOU off to homecoming.”

Trixie took a second to process that before bursting into a hysterical cackle of laughter that left her lying on June’s bed trying to catch her breath. June rolled her eyes before jumping to her feet and extending out a hand to her mom.

“Come on, stop your bird screeching, we’ve got some driving to do. Don’t think I forgot,” June smirked. Trixie rolled her eyes, grabbing June’s hand to pull her up as they plodded down the stairs together. Trixie was really not looking forward to this, but she was optimistic...maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as she thought it would be.

\---

  
  


Update: it was worse than she thought it would be. June was a phenomenal driver. That wasn’t the problem. Trixie was just a nervous wreck - she knew it, and there was nothing she could do to change it. With every lane change, every turn signal, every tap on the brake, Trixie held on tighter to the handle above her right ear, willing herself to trust the process but silently wishing June would turn the car around and head towards home. 

“Calm down. I’m fine, I know what I’m doing,” June quipped from the driver’s seat. She did, really. She was top of her class in driver’s ed, had thoroughly impressed her instructor in behind-the-wheel training, and knew the rules of the road backwards and forwards and sideways and every which way you could know them. She knew without a doubt that there was no reason for her mom to be as scared as she was.

“I know you do, honey. I trust you completely,” Trixie squeaked out through her clenched jaw. It was so obvious that she didn’t, but June didn’t have the mental capacity to both fight her and focus on the road. She tried to shake off the nerves Trixie was radiating out onto her and remember the basics - hands at 10 and 2, keep at least a car’s length between you and the person in front of you, look both ways TWICE before going through the intersection. June had her groove back, but Trixie still needed reassurance. She took the hand that wasn’t holding on for dear life and tapped out frantic messages on her phone as June maneuvered them over a few speed-bumps.

**TRIX💛:** Katya. KATYA.

**KAT💋:** That’s me!

**TRIX💛:** I’m driving with June. 

**TRIX💛:** Like. June is driving. 

**TRIX💛:** If I go into cardiac arrest and die, I’m just letting you know that you have to take care of her. 

“Mom, stop that, we’re good,” June whined at the sound of Trixie’s whimpers. Trixie tried to take a deep breath, tried to quiet her anxiety by reminding herself of all of the reasons she had to trust June. All was fine for a few minutes, Trixie continually turning down the radio bit by bit so June “wouldn’t be distracted” until the car was totally silent. As they approached a red light, June hit the brakes a little too quickly and Trixie jolted forward. It wasn’t dangerous, it wasn’t anything Trixie hadn’t done before when she was driving a tad too aggressively. But it sent Trixie into panic mode.

“June, are you okay? Oh my god, okay, do you want to be done for now? I’ll drive, let me drive,” Trixie insisted, her voice quivering as she sped through her words.

“MOM. IF YOU PANIC, YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE ME PANIC. CHILL. WE ARE FINE.” June shrieked. Her grip on the wheel was so tight her knuckles paled, and all of that color went straight to her cheeks. Trixie opened her mouth to retort but was interrupted by a familiar ringtone. As the light turned green, June gingerly stepped on the gas to take them through the intersection, and Trixie picked up the phone. 

“Katya, I’m kind of busy right now, I -”

“I know that tone. You’re gonna be just fine, love. Can you do me a favor and have June pull over?” Katya’s voice was saccharine and syrupy and...not at all like her. Katya had a plan, and Trixie was pretty sure she wasn’t going to like it. 

“Hey Juney, Auntie Kat wants to talk to you, can you pull over?” Trixie asked. June nodded, making the next right into the parking lot of a tiny strip mall. She pulled perfectly into a spot, shifted the car into park, and turned towards her mom with a tiny half-scowl.

“We pulled over,” Trixie answered.

“Great, okay. Now can you put me on speaker?” Katya asked gently. Trixie obliged, and pressed the button on her hot pink phone. 

“Okay,” Trixie announced. “The floor is yours.”

“Kat? What’s up?” June asked.

“Hey, Junebug. Just get your mom home in one piece and I’ll drive with you later this week. I know she’s freaking out for no reason, she’s ridiculously dramatic but we love her for it. We’ll take her car and go together, I promise I won’t spin out on you,” Katya laughed. June’s face lit up as she threw her head back to let out a howl of laughter. Trixie let out a puff of breath, her expression landing somewhere between frustration and humiliation. 

“Perfect. You’re the best,” June smiled. Trixie was still rendered speechless, but she didn’t have to say anything for Katya to know the exact look on her face. 

“Anything for you, bug,” Katya chuckled back. “Trixie? You hear me, sweetheart?”

“Don’t sweetheart me. I hear you, you bitch,” Trixie quipped, desperately trying to hold back a laugh. “I should hate you, but you’re getting me out of this metal death trap, so I’ll call it even.”

“Even works for me. Love you both. Get home safe,” Katya grinned as she hung up. June burst out into another fit of laughter as Trixie pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to stifle her laughter and relieve the stress headache she already felt dissipating. 

“Hey mom?” June smirked, her voice sing-songy in a way that Trixie heard as too close to Katya’s near-mocking tone. Between the implications she knew June was about to make and the clear influence Katya had on her little mini-me, it was all too much for Trixie to take in. 

“Don’t even say it,” Trixie groaned.

“Remember the other day when you said Katya wasn’t into you?” June kept pushing.

“Shut up,” Trixie yelped. “Shut up shut up shut up.” Trixie’s words shut June down, but her heart thumped in her chest with a glimmer of hope. She couldn’t tell June that - she wouldn’t give her the satisfaction. But even the suggestion of reciprocated feelings nearly sent Trixie into orbit.

“Yeah, how’s that whole  _ she doesn’t care enough about me to have feelings for me _ thing going for you? Tell me more about that.” June couldn’t take herself seriously anymore, tears peeking out of the corners of her eyes from how hard she was laughing.

“I hate you. You know that, right?” Trixie scowled.

“You just keep telling yourself that,” June giggled, shifting the car back into drive before Trixie had a chance to argue any further. 

  
  


\--

  
  


“Yes! You’ve got it. See, it’s truly not that hard if you think about it as just right, then straight, then left,” Katya exclaimed. June had never been the best at parallel parking, but with Katya’s new way of explaining it, it somehow all clicked and she was swinging into even the tightest of spaces like a pro. Katya was an incredibly patient and helpful teacher - never over-energetic, never generous, and never controlling. June was in the driver’s seat, both literally and metaphorically, and it made her feel so much more confident. 

“You’re right, it’s honestly not as bad as I thought,” June smiled.

“I knew you’d get the hang of it,” Katya agreed. “It just takes practice.”

“So...what do we do now?” June asked. They’d been making their way around the city for almost an hour and a half now, the playlist ranging from Arctic Monkeys to Julia Michaels - Katya had even let June show her the new Taylor Swift song she liked. 

“Well...we’re conveniently parked in front of Chill on Park…” Katya trailed off. It was June’s favorite ice cream shop in town, and she started to guess it wasn’t a coincidence that she had navigated them to practice parking over here.

“That just seems like a sign that we need dessert,” June sighed. “And who are we to reject a sign from the universe?”

“I would never. C’mon, Junebug,” Katya smiled as she hopped out of the passenger seat and June turned the car off.

After they’d ordered - strawberry in a cup with a ton of whipped cream for June and coffee with oreos in a waffle cone for Katya - June found a bench a few storefronts down for them to sit on as they enjoyed the cool late afternoon breeze and the familiar glow of golden hour. They chatted easily back and forth, talking about the new songs June had been learning on her ukulele and the annoying client Katya was working with. 

“Thank you for taking me driving,” June eventually smiled. “I think you saved my mom an actual panic attack...if not a heart attack.”

“Of course, malishka. Anything for you two,” Katya’s cheeks flooded with pink at the mention of Trixie. June’s eyebrow shot up as she realized...now was her chance to stir the pot. Should she? Absolutely not. Was she intrigued? Certainly. She quickly whipped out her phone, tapping out a message to Stevie. 

**june** **☀️:** so, hypothetically, if i were thinking about talking to your mom about my mom ………

**june** **☀️:** should i?

**june** **☀️:** i shouldn’t.

The second June typed  _ I shouldn’t _ , the wheels in her brain started spinning faster. Why shouldn’t she? This was her mom’s best friend, her whole world. She knew they felt the same way about each other - she knew they had felt that way forever. They were just too scared to admit it, both of them wronged by the institution of love too many times to trust in the care they held for each other. For once, June felt like the mama bird who needed to nudge these two idiots out of the nest. And she had the perfect chance to do that right now - she just had to trust that the two of them would trust their wings enough to let them fly. 

“So…” June sighed, chipping her spoon into the side of her ice cream, “how are things with you and my mom?”

“Um, they’re good?” Katya questioned, clearly not picking up on the undertones June was trying to get at just yet. “Homecoming planning went really smoothly, so now we’re on a bit of a PTA lull until the winter auction.”

“No, I meant like...how are  _ things _ …” June wiggled her eyebrows. Katya pulled back, took a few slow blinks, and cocked her head to the side.

“What do you mean,  _ things _ ?” she genuinely asked, mocking June’s suggestive tone. June had never been great at using the filter she’d carefully built for herself, but she felt the flood gates open before she could even process her next question.

“Dude, when are you going to make a move on her?” June spit out. Katya nearly dropped her cone. June gasped with the realization of what she’d said. The two of them sat there, staring at each other and blinking through wide-eyed shock, both afraid of being the next one to speak. 

“W...what?” Katya barely could form words. Her brain normally ran like a well-oiled machine - admittedly noisy and overworked, but well-oiled. June’s confession caused every gear of that machine that would normally keep her in check to grind to a halt, fall clean off their axes, and clang to the ground. Obviously, she’d been worse at hiding her feelings than she’d hoped. She knew she wasn’t the best secret keeper, but she was so sure this one would go with her to her grave. Trixie was her best friend, her whole world - Katya couldn’t mess that up. She was also straight, and not interested in her, and Katya was head over heels in love. All signs seemed to point to  _ not _ making a move on Trixie...except the neon pink flashing one sitting in front of her happily eating a spoonful of whipped cream. 

“I know you like her. I’ve known forever,” June sighed through a smile, kicking the soles of her white keds along the pavement below the bench. “And I think both of you have known forever too. Bitch, she talks about you CONSTANTLY.”

Katya tried her best to keep her cool, but she knew her face gave it away. Her face flared up in bright red heat, her eyes pricked at the corners from how wide they flew open. The idea that Trixie thought about her, talked about her, and maybe even loved her, made her cheeks burn. It was all too much for her to handle. 

“Sh...she does?” Katya stammered. It was all she could get out. There wasn’t anything eloquent or profound for her to say - she was truly and deeply knocked speechless, and nobody was happier about it than June. The grin on her face grew wider and wider with every shallow breath Katya took. She knew she’d already stirred the pot enough, but she figured she might as well have some fun doing it.

“Oh, yeah. Pretty much 24/7, honestly,” June explained, taking her time on each word, knowing the agony it would cause Katya. She looked up and made eye contact with her to make sure she was having her desired effect - and from the frazzled state of the blonde in front of her, she was - before continuing on. “She just...she loves you so much. She’s always talking about how funny and caring and intelligent and strong and wonderful and BEAUTIFUL you are. I practically can’t shut her up about it.”

“I…” Katya had lost the ability to speak. She could only communicate in a series of blinks, shallow breaths, and internal screeching. This was something she’d been wanting to hear, wishing to hear, thinking she never would hear ever since she was 16 years old. She would’ve waited a whole lifetime for Trixie. She thought she would have to. But maybe she didn’t.

“Yeah, dude. So...what are you gonna do about it?” June asked, taking another bite of ice cream as she tucked her legs underneath herself and turned to face Katya head on. Katya was frozen at the spot.

“I...I don’t...what do you think I should do?” she asked timidly. June’s thoughts wandered...at this point, she had nothing to lose.

“Kiss her, you idiot!” June practically yelled. The simple idea of that, of finally closing the distance between herself and the woman who was perfection on earth, an actual angel, sunshine personified...broke Katya out of her paralyzed panic and into a frenzy. 

“Kiss her? KISS HER? I can’t just KISS HER!” Katya shouted, nearly dropping what was left of her ice cream while she flailed her arms dramatically. She started to feel her world literally crumble around her - like every moment of her life up until now had been drawing Jenga pieces one by one, but this piece sent the stack crashing down. 

“Yes you can. And you should. Like...soon,” June laughed. “Because from the look on your face, you don’t actually want to wait. You’re just scared.”

“NO SHIT!” Katya admitted. “Sure, I’ll just kiss the woman I’ve been in love with for over 20 years, that’s a super chill easy thing!! Why didn’t I think of that before?” June snorted, and then laughed at herself. 

“Because I’m a genius, duh. And you can thank me for being a genius by kissing her when you drop me off at home later,” June smirked. Katya couldn’t help but let out a cackle of laughter.

“YEAH. RIGHT,” Katya teased before turning to place a hand on June’s cheek. “I...June. Junebug, sweetie, darling, tuts. You know I...I...I just...I can’t. I can’t do that.”

“Why not?” June asked. “Honestly. Tell me. Why not?”

“Because…” Katya pulled her hands back from June’s face, wringing them together in her lap. She wracked her brain for a more mature answer, an answer that felt more sophisticated and complex and WORTHY of holding her back. But she only had one way to describe the thing on her mind. “I’m...you’re right, I’m scared, okay?”

June’s smile grew bigger and bigger, more mischievous by the minute. She had been waiting for this moment, and she knew she had the perfect counterpoint to all of Katya’s fears and doubts that June knew lay not so deep under the surface. She batted her eyelashes, played with the hem of her white skater skirt, and looked up at Katya. 

“You know...someone pretty cool told me something kind of important not too long ago. I don’t remember it EXACTLY, but it was something along the lines of...oh, I don’t know…‘being brave isn’t not being scared, Junebug...it’s being scared and still doing it. It’s being terrified out of your mind and knowing that, even if it’s scary, it’s worth it. It’s looking the scary thing dead in the eyes and saying ‘fuck you, don’t tell me what not to do’ and doing it anyway’...does that sound familiar to you?”

“You. Little. BITCH,” Katya whispered. “You have the AUDACITY to come up in here and shatter my whole world and then top it off by using my own damn advice on me??”

“I learned from the best,” June winked, taking another bite of her ice cream. Katya reached across the bench, scooped a tiny bit of whipped cream off of the top of June’s cup, and smeared it across June’s nose, causing her to let out a shriek. 

“You’re a monster, June,” Katya exhaled. “I hope you know that.”

“Oh, I’m well aware,” June admitted. “But I’m a monster that might get you laid, so…”

“WILL YOU SHUT ALL THE WAY UP?” Katya screamed, causing June to descend into full-fledged maniacal laughter. June looked down at her phone to see texts flooding her home screen.

**stevie** **👽** **:** NO 

**stevie** **👽** **:** YOU BITCH

**stevie** **👽** **:** DON’T BREAK HER 

**stevie** **👽** **:** I’M GONNA HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE FALLOUT

She quickly tapped back.

**june** **☀️:** too late. oops.  ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 

“For real though,” June exhaled, turning her attention back towards Katya. “Katya. I’ve known you my whole life. Literally since the day I was born. I know you’ve liked my mom for that long. I’m sitting here telling you that she likes you too. So DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.” 

And for a fraction of a second, Katya actually considered it. She let herself believe that June was right - that Trixie had feelings for her, feelings she’d hidden so well that Katya had never found them, even under every layer of her personality that Trixie had let her see before. She let herself for a moment imagine what it would be like to be brave, to unlock Trixie’s front door with the key she’d had for years and march straight through the threshold and let a kiss say everything she’d always wanted to tell her. She pictured taking Trixie out to fancy dinners, coming back home to watch movies with June and Stevie, waking up tangled in each other's arms and running downstairs to make pancakes before the kids woke up. For just a moment, she let herself dream. She wanted that dream to last forever. And June just told her it could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JUNE "STIR THE POT" MATTEL RISES AGAIN. anyway, we love this chapter and we hope you did too. next time...shit gets real.
> 
> let us know in the comments - and as always, come hang out with us on twitter at @sunshinehytes and @ageoflemon! xoxo M&M


	11. landslide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *deep breath* here we go, folks...

“Can we go through it one more time?” 

“Seriously? This is like...at least the fifth time. Dude, you know it by now.”

“Just so I feel better,” Katya sighed, picking up her car keys from where they sat next to her on the couch’s armrest. She flipped the keys over and over in her palms in an attempt to pedal some of the anxiety radiating through her out of her fingertips. 

“Fine. Okay, step one…” Stevie droned, putting up an aloof demeanor but more than happy to keep going through the ritualistic repetition as long as it was keeping their mom’s brain steady.

“Drive to her house,” Katya repeated with a tight nod. That one was easy.

“Good. Step two?”

“Um...tell her?” she tentatively asked. Stevie nodded with a small, encouraging smile. 

“And...step three?” 

“Uh…” Katya stammered.

“Mom,” Stevie whined. “If you can’t even say it, how do you expect to do it? Come on, step three…?”

“Kiss her,” Katya mumbled as she blushed. 

“Exactly. Okay. You’re ready. Wait...” they hesitated, brushing a shorter strand of their mom’s honey blonde hair out of her face and wiping the corner of her cherry red lipstick where it had smudged. “NOW you’re ready. Go get your woman.”

“She’s not my…” Katya started, but she knew her attempt was futile.

“Give it an hour, dumbass,” Stevie rolled their eyes. “It’s gonna work. June told you it would. I’ve told you it would. The only person left on the planet who doesn’t believe it is YOU.”

“I…” Katya exhaled aimlessly. She didn’t feel hopeless, but she definitely felt small and scared and  _ fragile _ . That was the word. Her heart had a “handle with care” label on it, and she just had to pray that Trixie would read the delivery instructions.

“Look at me,” Stevie urged, shaking her out of her stupor. When she didn’t move, they took Katya’s face in their tiny hands and turned her to face them, green-grey meeting icy steel blue. “You. Can. Do. This. It’s gonna be so good. It’s gonna be everything you’ve ever dreamed of. Just three steps. That’s it.”

Katya rolled her eyes. If only it were that simple. Nonetheless, she knew the effects of Stevie’s admittedly rousing pep-talk would wear off soon - they were no match for the storm of butterflies ricocheting in her abdomen - and she knew that if she didn’t start step one now, she’d never get to step three. So she nodded, took a deep breath, and leapt to her feet so quickly she saw stars. Stevie gave an excited squeak as Katya sent back a tight lipped smile and beelined towards the door. She had barely placed a hand on the handle before turning back to glance at Stevie, still sitting there grinning like an idiot at her.

“Okay. Love you. Holy shit,” Katya’s voice shook with the gravity of what she was about to do.

“Love you more. I’m proud of you. You’ve got this,” they beamed. Katya’s eyes lit up as she nodded back, grabbing her red peacoat off the hanger and bolting out the door before she lost her nerve. The second the door clicked shut behind her, Stevie whipped out their phone, pressing the first number on speed dial. It answered after one ring. 

“DUDE. RED FUCKING ALERT. COME OVER NOW,” Stevie screeched. 

“NOW??? HOLY SHIT, NOW?” June yelled back.

“NOW. NOW!!! GO GET ON YOUR BIKE,” Stevie could barely contain themselves. “SHE JUST LEFT. IT’S SHOWTIME.”

\---

“I don’t know why you keep buying this shit,” Trixie pestered, swirling what was left of the pinot grigio in her glass as she sprawled out on the couch. “I mean, I’m a white wine girl, and I’m not picky, but this is...this is not good.”

“Whatever,” Katya rolled her eyes from where she sat, reaching out to the coffee table to pour herself some more. “It doesn’t taste like rubbing alcohol and it gets me tipsy, so I’m fine with it. Plus, saying  _ pinot grigio  _ makes me feel so fancy...and it’s less basic than rosé at least.”

“You’re not wrong. Cheers to being at least less basic than rosé?” Trixie giggled. Katya leaned across the couch to clink her glass against Trixie’s before taking another giant gulp. The alcohol was helping to numb her nerves the slightest bit, but her heart still hammered in her chest. She knew there was nothing in the world actively forcing her to tell Trixie tonight...well, other than Stevie. And June. But it wasn’t like her confession was a ticking time bomb, and that made her at least feel a little better. If the moment came, it would come. She was letting herself trust the process, and the familiar habit gave her the slightest bit of comfort. 

As Katya sat deep in thought, Trixie swiped through her phone, trying to decide on a new Spotify playlist to serve as background noise for their banter. The two of them could’ve sat in silence for hours without it ever becoming awkward, but they both liked the reassurance of a little something to blanket the quiet in case their brains wandered off too far. Absentmindedly, Trixie pressed “shuffle” on a playlist she’d made years ago called Back In My Day - filled with all of her old favorites from high school. The familiar opening chords of Landslide floated through the speakers as Trixie sank back into the couch cushions. A smile flooded Katya’s face as she hummed along. This song felt like home to her.

“Do you remember when…” Trixie started.

“Oh, I remember,” Katya interrupted. “How could I possibly forget? It was the day we met.”

**FRESHMAN YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL, SPRING 1994**

The annual high school talent show, depending on whether you were a good student or a rebellious one, was either the best or most boring day of the year. The good kids sat in awe of the talent their peers held, while the rebellious kids created new, more imaginative ways of skipping every year. Katya, obviously, found herself in the latter category. A couple of older kids had asked her to sneak out of the auditorium and smoke with them in the bathroom in the performing arts wing, and she was more than happy to accept the offer. They didn’t talk much, just sat on sink counters and leaned against the walls, chain-smoking Marlboro Reds and listening to Ace of Base on a portable boombox one of the seniors had brought with them.  _ If this is gonna be the rest of high school,  _ Katya thought,  _ I can get used to this _ . 

Katya had just started smoking that year, but she knew she was already hooked. She could rip through a pack a day if she wasn’t careful - and she certainly hadn’t been careful lately. She was a loner who craved attention, and smoking gave her the perfect social excuse to be in the mix while also keeping to herself. She was comfortable in her circle of seniors, but adding new people to the equation always made her feel uneasy. 

That is, until the doors to the bathroom crashed open abruptly, causing everyone to jolt, and Katya laid eyes on a girl in the doorway, clad in a pink denim jacket and white low rise jeans, her blonde hair matted over her face to cover the black mascara dripping down her cheeks. Time stood still for a moment, as the girl realized she’d picked the wrong bathroom to come storming into. For some reason she couldn’t explain, Katya’s heart swelled. The tall girl looked so shaken, so vulnerable, so small. She didn’t know her, but she couldn’t, in good conscience, let her stand there silently blinking back at them, looking more like a baby deer than a woman. The approval of her smoking buddies wasn’t even a factor as she stepped forward towards the girl. 

“Hey,” Katya smiled, reaching out a hand. “Everything okay, blondie?”

“Um…” the girl stammered, barely able to keep her bottom lip from twitching as she sobbed. “um….no.” 

The wavering in her voice broke Katya’s heart. Even though she had literally just met her, in that moment, Katya’s number one priority became helping talk this girl down from whatever breakdown she was having. She was about to grab the trembling girl by the shoulders and spin them out of the bathroom so they could actually find a place to talk out of the glances of judging eyes. Before she could make a move, her friends - who, let’s face it, probably weren’t her friends anymore - started slowly filing out of the bathroom, grumbling about how Katya had harshed their mellow. She heard a whisper of “that’s the last time we let a freshman skip with us”, but she couldn’t be bothered to care. Something drew her to the blonde whimpering in front of her, more than she’d ever been drawn to cigarettes. She didn’t even know her name, but Blondie was her new drug of choice. 

“Talk to me, chica,” Katya smiled once everyone had left the room. She gently rubbed Blondie’s arm, trying to use any possible trick she could think of to make her feel comfortable. 

“I don’t know,” she sniffled. “I...um...I’m supposed to sing in the talent show in like...ten minutes.” She kept her gaze cast towards the ground, hoping to relieve herself of some embarrassment.

“That’s so cool!” Katya exclaimed. “You must be wicked talented to make it in as a freshman...wait, are you a freshman too?”

“Yeah, um, I am. You’re Katya, right?” Blondie asked. Katya was shocked that she knew her name. She wasn’t used to people being aware of her existence - let alone someone this talented and kind and beautiful. 

“Yes...how did you know that?” she asked, her voice filled with genuine curiosity. 

“I think one of my friends is in art with you,” Blondie managed to remember. “Oh yeah! My friend Aqua. She said you’re really good.” She glanced up at Katya and gave her a small smile. For some reason, she was trying to calm Katya’s nerves in the midst of her own panic. It filled Katya with an unfamiliar glowy feeling that radiated from the crown of her head to the tips of her toes. 

“I am,” Katya snorted. Blondie scrunched her nose and laughed at Katya’s self-awareness. Most of the tension smoothed itself out, and the two were slowly becoming acquainted with each other.

“I’m Trixie, by the way,” she smiled, tightly gripping her sleeve. “Trixie Mattel.”  _ Blondie has a name _ , Katya smiled.  _ And somehow, it’s even more fitting than Blondie.  _

“Well, Trixie Mattel, it’s lovely to meet you, but why are you in the bathroom with me and not backstage getting ready for your number?”

“I...uh…” Trixie stumbled through her words. “It feels stupid to say it now.” Whatever confidence Trixie had just gained swiftly flooded from her at the mere thought of admitting her innermost thoughts to the beautiful blonde smoker standing in front of her.

“Trust me, I’m sure I’ve said stupider things,” Katya laughed. Trixie let out a little snort. Katya was mesmerized, totally and fully enchanted by her. Even within moments of meeting her, Katya could tell that Trixie was so wholesome and warm, and my god, it made Katya’s heart sing.

“Uh...I’m just scared. I get really bad stage fright, and I know I need to get over it if I ever want to make it to LA and write music and perform, but...but I…” Trixie crumbled again, her big twinkly Disney Princess eyes sparkling with tears. Katya reached out a hand for her forearm, craving some sort of physical contact. She’d never felt such an instant bond with someone, but for some reason, she intrinsically knew that she couldn’t feel okay until she had proof that Trixie felt okay too. 

“Listen, I’m sure they put you in the show for a reason, right? You must be good. Do you want to try to practice on me? You don’t know me, I’m nobody. Maybe starting with an audience of one will make you feel better?” Katya tried to reason. She certainly didn’t do well with attention either, but she knew that when she was nervous about showing her art to people, she’d always try to start with just her mom, or just her friend Sasha. Maybe that worked with singing too?

“Um...okay...you’re sure it’s not weird?” Trixie asked, her voice breaking a little. She grabbed a piece of paper towel and attempted to dab the mascara from under her eyes. Katya shook her head no, hoisting herself back on to the counter of the sink.

“Not at all. What you got for me, superstar?” Katya asked, pulling her lighter and a new Marlboro out of the pocket of her leather jacket and flashing her sparkling white teeth at Trixie. 

After a slow exhale, Trixie answered. “Okay... you know Landslide, right?”

  
  


**PRESENT DAY**

“If I think too hard about it, I still feel those butterflies,” Trixie laughed. 

“But hey, you did it. You were so good,” Katya beamed, pawing at her arm. “And thus started the grand tradition of me coming into the auditorium solely to hear you sing and then promptly leaving every single year.”

“Whatever, you saw me, that’s what matters,” Trixie rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, you bet I did. I truly think about that day more than I’d like to admit,” Katya confessed.

“Yeah?” Trixie asked, clearly prying at this point. A mixture of the lowered inhibitions from the wine and the rollercoaster of emotions she’d been on in the last week somehow allowed Katya to keep talking.

“I mean...it’s the reason I love Fleetwood Mac so much. Because thinking about them reminds me about that day,” Katya admitted. “Reminds me of you. Thinking about Fleetwood makes me think of strength, of being brave, of so vividly knowing your dreams that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to achieve them. It’s why...it’s…”

“It’s what?” Trixie innocently asked. Katya gulped. 

"Oh, nothing," Katya tried to shrug it off. Trixie was not having any of that tonight. Something urged her to press on, to get the answer she knew was not too deep below the surface of Katya's thick skin.

"Tell me. It's obviously something," Trixie urged. 

Katya's heart raced. She had somehow made it seventeen years without having to admit this, but for some reason, with the warmth of her buzz pinching the apples of her cheeks and nerves coursing through her veins, saying the words she’d been avoiding felt as easy as breathing. 

“Trixie, do you really think Stevie is named Stevie after my uncle Steven?”

“Uh, yeah? Are they not named after him? Who else would they…” Trixie’s jaw dropped. The color flooded from her cheeks as the gears started turning in her head.

“Um…” Katya blushed.

“You did NOT name your kid after Stevie Nicks.” Trixie glared at Katya in sheer disbelief. 

“I don’t know...I thought by naming them that, I’d somehow will the universe to make them always be as tough as you were that day. And every day. And it worked, I guess,” Katya whispered. 

“I…” Trixie had never been so flustered in her life. She felt the same overwhelming feelings as that day before the talent show all over again - stray tears burning behind her eyes, shaky hands, and a pit in her stomach she couldn’t quite place. “Why didn’t you tell me??”

“Oh come on, it’s not THAT out of the question,” Katya laughed, downing the rest of her glass. “We’re best friends, we do things for each other, we don’t always have to tell each other about them. I’m sure there’s something you’ve done in the past 20 years that somehow ties back to me you haven’t told me about too.”

“You have no idea…” Trixie mumbled under her breath.

“Spill, kukalka,” Katya laughed. “I told you mine. You owe me one.” 

Trixie gulped. Katya raised an eyebrow back at her as she tucked her knees up under her chin, hugging her legs close to herself as she took one more sip of liquid courage. 

“Okay, you want to play games here?” Trixie challenged as Katya cocked an eyebrow up at her. She didn’t know what had gotten into them today - they were always playful and jokey with each other, but there was an unmistakable heat behind it today. Something was in the air, and while Trixie couldn’t exactly name the feeling, it made her feel bolder, made her feel brave enough to admit the secret she knew would open the floodgates - the one she’d held tight to her chest for the past four years. This was seemingly her only option if she truly wanted to one-up Katya - one she thought she didn’t have the strength for even a few months ago. But maybe Fleetwood was right. Maybe time did make her bolder. 

“Hit me,” Katya snarled. Fire burned behind her eyes, almost daring Trixie to blurt out -

“I left him because he didn’t accept Stevie.” Just like that day freshman year of high school, Trixie stared down at her hands, willing Katya to respond faster so she wouldn’t disintegrate into a melted puddle of pink cashmere and embarrassment.

Landslide still softly played in the background, but for a moment, the ringing in Katya’s ears drowned out any other sound but the breath that caught in the back of her throat. 

“You…” Katya sputtered. “You what?” 

“The…” Trixie started, wiping a tear that had sprung loose. “The night you posted about Stevie’s coming out party. That’s the night I left him. He yelled for what felt like hours, going on and on about what was and wasn’t natural. And as soon as he crossed that line, any love I still had for him didn’t matter to me anymore.”

“You...you left your husband...because of Stevie?” Katya barely even processed the words as she said them. 

“You named them after the song that brought us together, you don’t get to talk!” Trixie yelped back. Katya blinked away her shock, trying to focus on pulling every ounce of courage she could from Trixie’s tear-pricked eyes and dopey smile. In the quasi-silence, Katya heard Stevie’s persistent voice in her head, screaming  _ STEP TWO. STEP TWO. MOM. WHAT IS STEP TWO.  _ Katya owed it to them to listen.

“Trixie…” Katya sighed.  _ This is it, _ she gulped. _ Now or never. _

“Yeah?” she grinned, stretching her legs back out across the couch. Nerves started creeping back up on Trixie, but before she could get completely lost in her brain’s never-ending labyrinth of agonizing overthinking, Katya spoke.

“I think I’m in love with you.”

For a moment, time stood still. Silence, confusion, and unanswered questions hung in the air for a few extremely uncomfortable seconds that felt like years. Trixie couldn’t move or speak or feel anything until she noticed her face starting to burn, white-hot and red-flushed. She fluttered her eyes open and shut a few times, if only to prove to herself that this wasn’t a dream. It wasn’t. Katya, HER KATYA was sitting in front of her, saying she loved her. Trixie willed herself to say something back, to say anything at all, do anything, make even the slightest of moves. But all she could do was grin like an idiot as her eyes flooded with tears again.

“Trixie? Please say something...I...I’ve wanted to tell you for like...fucking 20 years but…” Katya could barely speak. She stammered and fiddled with her thumbs, instantly regretting her outburst. “I’ve spent a long time making excuses, and I realize now that basically all of them were completely unfounded so now I’m here…” 

“You’ve...you’ve loved me since…?” Trixie somehow managed to squeak out.

“Yes. Do you…” Katya didn’t even want to ask, and thankfully, Trixie somehow understood that and took the reins. 

“Uh huh,” Trixie admitted, nodding enthusiastically. It didn’t take any thought, no nerves of steel required. It was as easy as breathing. “I do, I mean, I...I just…”

“Trixie, sweetie, can you please stop talking and let me kiss you? I’ve been waiting for almost half of my life but I truly don’t think I can wait another second…”

“Okay,” Trixie exhaled. 

“Just okay?” Katya gasped, pulling back from where she had started to inch closer to Trixie. “Should...should I not...oh god, did I get the wrong impres-”

Katya was stopped by the gentle caress of Trixie’s hands, delicate and soft against her jawline. Her eyes widened, and then she was barreled over by the forceful crash of Trixie’s lips against hers. Her eyes fluttered closed, as she allowed herself to be fully engulfed in every part of kissing Trixie.

It was everything Katya had dreamed kissing her would be, and somehow, even more. She was aggressive, but not overpowering, and of COURSE she tasted like strawberries. Like strawberries and champagne and sunshine and the feeling of coming home. Trixie was warm and safe, and my god, Katya’s heart sang. Katya tangled one hand in Trixie’s soft blonde waves and rested another on threadbare light wash denim as she rubbed tiny circles on her thigh with her thumb. 

Either a moment or a decade passed before Katya pulled back from her, a devilish smile replacing Trixie’s lips on her own. 

“Who would’ve guessed you’re a top?” Katya teased. Trixie snorted, pawing at the bottom of her chin to fix where her hot pink lipstick had smudged.

“I’m certainly not a top,” she joked back. “I’m just impatient.” 

That was all the motivation Katya needed to pull her back in. She kissed her hard, and Trixie melted into her touch. It was hungry and fiery and just so right. All of a sudden, it hit Trixie. She was kissing Katya. The beautiful, alluring blonde who used to smoke Marlboro Reds in the school bathroom. The person who had been with her through every meltdown, every heartbreak, every up and down. Her Katya, her best friend, her everything. The mere thought of it made her feel giddy, and she couldn’t help but let out a tiny giggle into Katya’s parted lips. Katya immediately leaned back, wide eyed, before descending into a fit of hysterical laughter.

“What?” Trixie chuckled. “What is so funny, bitch?”

“I just…” Katya cackled. “I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe I get to kiss you.”

“I know…” Trixie sighed, her heart swelling in her chest. “It’s weird. But it’s also...so right.”

Katya couldn’t contain herself. She’d never been so happy in her entire life. Truthfully, she didn’t know if she’d ever be this happy again - but with Trixie by her side, it didn’t seem completely far-fetched. 

“Wait...uh, by the way…” Katya started, not knowing how to phrase her next question. “Not to be weird or ruin the moment or anything...but are you…”

“OH!” Trixie exclaimed, gently shaking her head. “Oh yeah. Totally forgot to tell you. I like girls.”

“Cool cool, yeah I think I got that much from you jumping on top of me like 5 minutes ago,” Katya laughed. “But damn, that information would’ve been helpful...I don’t know, in 1995.” 

They blinked at each other for a second before losing it again, Trixie doubling over in laughter and letting her head fall on Katya’s chest. Katya pulled an arm around her to keep her close. 

“I mean, in your defense, I didn’t even know until like…a few weeks ago. June said ‘if I’m coming out of the closet I’m taking everybody with me’, and I didn’t know I was in there but I’m so glad the door got opened,” Trixie giggled.

“Oh believe me,” Katya grinned. “I am too.” She pressed a quick kiss to Trixie’s forehead, letting her hand rest on the gentle dip of her waist. Trixie nuzzled in closer to Katya’s chest, listening to her steady heartbeat. The adrenaline kick started to wear off, but the novelty...not so much.  _ If this is forever, _ Trixie thought,  _ I could really get used to this.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE'RE LIKE !#(!@&$!*@#&!(@) )!* about this chapter. we hope you are too. let us know in the comments, and as always, you can find us on twitter to chat! mack is taking a little twitter break but she's usually @sunshinehytes, and miranda is @ageoflemon. xoxo M&M


	12. sooner or later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this update is coming in a tad late!! it's been a hell of a week. no triggers to warn you about in this one, just some good old fashioned fluff. enjoy!

“Wait, are you serious?” Katya screamed, grabbing Trixie’s arm. “You’re actually serious?”

“HOW COULD I NOT HAVE BEEN JEALOUS??” Trixie yelled back, wildly gesturing and rolling her eyes. “BROOKE WAS UNDRESSING YOU WITH HER EYES RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! Granted...I was still so deep in the closet I was practically in Narnia so I didn’t place it as jealousy at the time...but like...you know when the last puzzle piece fits in and suddenly you see the whole picture?”

“Uh huh,” Katya sighed, stifling a cackle.

“Like...as soon as I realized I liked girls, I realized I’d been into you for like...ever,” Trixie explained. “And then I realized that the weird pit in my stomach that day had been jealousy. And I felt like such an idiot.”

“Well you are an idiot,” Katya started, taking a beat to let Trixie almost come up with a retort before reaching across the couch to grab her hand. “But you’re my idiot.”

“Gross,” Trixie laughed, feigning disgust. The truth is, she’d never been happier. Even just the idea of Katya calling her HERS made her heart skip a beat. But she’d be damned if she admitted that so easily.

“Are we still hiding this from the kids?” Katya groaned. “I mean, it’s been all of two days and I’ve already almost told Stevie more times than I can count.”

Trixie exhaled. It had been her idea to keep their relationship under wraps for at least a few days - just to make sure that everything kept feeling as right as it did from that very first kiss before they got their kids’ hopes up. The last thing Trixie wanted to do was start a relationship with the only other person in the world her daughter saw as a mom and a mentor only to end it all of a sudden, breaking both of their hearts in the process. Even 48 hours into their relationship, Trixie knew that Katya was it for her - but if this wasn’t right for Katya, she’d rather only deal with one broken heart instead of two. 

“I think at least for a little while,” Trixie sadly smiled. “Just ‘til we’re sure.”

“Okay,” Katya grumbled. “But I can’t wait to see their faces.”

“Me neither,” Trixie smiled. “The first time they see us kiss they’re gonna lose it.”

“I mean, I still lose it every time we kiss, so…” Katya trailed off, staring intently at Trixie’s blush pink lipstick. It was softer than usual, a rosy babydoll hue with a lilac shift, and it was beyond irresistible. 

“C’mere, you,” Trixie grinned, pulling at Katya’s lacy black sleeve and leaning over her to draw her in for a kiss. It was sweet, and slow, and lazy, and perfect. Katya placed a hand on Trixie’s jaw and just relished in the fact that she was allowed to do this whenever she wanted to. It was taking some getting used to, but in the best way possible. She had never felt so giddy in her life. 

Trixie leaned back the slightest bit, but Katya wasn’t ready for the moment to be over. She gripped Trixie’s jaw and swung her in closer, almost into her lap, and Trixie purred in return, draping her legs over Katya’s and tangling a hand in her honey blonde hair. They were so completely, utterly lost in one another that the rest of the world faded away. So much so that they didn’t notice two sets of footsteps come trodding through the front door and into the living room, until the silence was shattered with two tiny gasps and a quiet - 

“I’ll be damned,” Stevie smirked. Katya immediately jerked back from Trixie at the sound of her baby’s voice, nearly scurrying to the other side of the couch. Trixie looked up and locked her panicked eyes with June, who stood there beaming with her brightest thousand watt smile. Stevie scowled, which unnerved Trixie.  _ Oh my god,  _ she thought.  _ Does...does Stevie not want us together? Do they not want this? If they don’t want this, Katya will listen to them, they’re her kid for god’s sake… _

But before Trixie’s brain could spiral too far, Stevie reached into their backpack, took a crisp twenty dollar bill out of their wallet, and reluctantly slapped it into June’s open, expectant palm. June hummed in content, folding the bill neatly and placing it in the front pocket of her embroidered overalls. 

“Thanks, babe,” June chirped. Stevie grunted. Trixie and Katya sat stunned on the couch, blinking back at them, willing them to explain. 

“We were betting on how long it would take for us to catch you together or for one of you to slip up and tell us,” Stevie laughed. Katya’s jaw dropped. “Mom, really? You really think you’re that slick, trying to hide it from us?”

“I…” Katya trailed off, not even sure of where her sentence was going.

“No you did not,” Trixie screeched, clearly enjoying their antics. 

“I bet Stevie that you literally wouldn’t last 2 days,” June laughed. “Clearly I was right.”

“Stevie, please say you had more faith in us than June...” Trixie asked, wincing in advance of their response.

“Oh, I said 3 days. Max,” they scoffed. “You couldn’t have kept your hands to yourself for like...another 12 hours, Mom?”

“Nope,” Katya admitted, a giant grin spreading across her face as she crawled across the couch to pull Trixie back in again. Trixie’s eyes went wide, nervous about June and Stevie’s reaction, before she realized that the bet must’ve meant that they wanted this too. All the anticipation and tension melted out of her body as soon as Katya’s lips pressed against hers.

“Ew gross. Come on, Juney, let’s go upstairs,” Stevie joked. “Leave the lovebirds alone.” June laughed, kicking off her shoes in the hall and following Stevie up to their room. Trixie let herself go into Katya’s touch, let her mind blur out anything that wasn’t her girl...but not so much that she missed two ecstatic squeals coming from the second floor.

  
  


\---

  
  


Even the words  _ first date _ made Katya so happy she could cry. Excited wasn’t a strong enough word. Ecstatic, she’d say. Sure, her and Trixie hung out multiple times a week already, and they were already practically acting like an old married couple within a week of dating. But Katya wanted to take her on a proper  _ first date _ . She wanted to feel the heart flutters trying to pick out what to wear, to hold doors open for her, to ask to kiss her in the car when she dropped her back at home. She wanted the full fantasy. So she had texted her earlier that week, asking if she was free on Saturday for an adventure. Now, as she sat at her vanity with the Saturday morning sun streaming through the windows, she absentmindedly scrolled back in her phone, looking down at the text conversation - 

**KAT💋:** what are you doing saturday?

**TRIX💛:** just halloween prep with june. why?

**KAT💋:** i have an idea for us. maybe...a first date idea

**TRIX💛:** gross. tell me.

**KAT💋:** want to go to the orchard with me?

**TRIX💛:** oh god. are we those people? 

**TRIX💛:** but yeah yes of course i do

The apple orchard was only about a 45 minute drive from their neighborhood, but it felt like a whole different world to them. Katya had taken Stevie a bunch as a kid - they’d spent hours and hours searching through the pumpkin patch for the perfect one to carve, debating size vs shape and color vs surface area. She hadn’t been back in a few years, but she knew it would be the perfect mix of whimsy and romance for her first real date with her Trixie. She had sped into Stevie’s room to run the idea by them before she’d sent the text, and they’d roasted her like a campfire marshmallow. They teased her for nothing short of half an hour about how going on a “first date” with Trixie was like calling a sticky note a Post It - sure, it’s a different label, but it’s the same exact thing. Despite the fact that the analogy shattered Katya’s brain clean into a million tiny pieces, she agreed. She wholeheartedly agreed. Plus, the concept eased her nerves at least a little.

This was all out of love, of course - now that the date was only half an hour away, Stevie had made themselves busy putting the finishing touches on Katya’s bold red lipstick and shimmery gold shadow. She definitely knew how to do her own makeup well, but when she needed her face to look immaculate, her kid was always her go-to artist. With confident strokes and clean lines, Stevie always made sure their mom’s face looked flawless. They were gentle and quick, yet incredibly calm. 

Meanwhile, ten minutes down the road, calm was not a word that could be used to describe the Mattel household. Trixie’s room had exploded in a mess of hot pink chiffon and white denim. She had practically torn her closet apart trying to find the perfect outfit that balanced the line between “trying” and “trying too hard”, as June sat in the middle of her bed, critiquing each option and continuing to drone -

“Mom, you could literally wear a paper fucking bag and she’d think you were the hottest piece of ass in this hemisphere. Chill.”

“Just this hemisphere?” Trixie asked frantically, tearing another pink dress from her closet.

“Shut up. You know what I mean,” June chimed, vaulting up from the bed and placing the dress back on the hanger. “Too fancy. Like I said. Literally just wear a flannel and jeans. It’s that simple.”

“It is NOT simple. This is KATYA we’re talking about,” Trixie screeched, flopping face up on her bed.

“Exactly. It’s Katya,” June smiled, sitting down next to her and rubbing her shoulder to try to absorb some of the tension radiating off of her. “Relax. You’re gonna be fine. She already loves you. You don’t have to put on a show for her.”

Trixie sighed. She was right - this was her Katya she was talking about. The Katya that had answered the door in yoga pants and a sports bra on too many occasions to count. She didn’t have to pretend to be anything she wasn’t with her. She grabbed a navy plaid skirt, white tank top, and pink denim jacket out of her closet, turning to June with an inquisitive smirk. 

“Perfect,” June exhaled. And it was.

  
  


\---

“Oh my god, you’re so tiny,” Trixie cackled, doubling over in laughter as Katya stood on her tiptoes, batting her arms at the very last apple remaining at the top of the tree. 

“Shut up and let me focus, I HAVE to get this one,” Katya snarled, kind of joking but mostly entirely serious. Trixie smiled. When Katya put her mind to something, it wasn’t smart to get in her way. Trixie has learned that the hard way over the years.

“Baby, there are like...50 more trees with apples that you can actually reach! And they’re the same apples! It’s okay!” Trixie cooed, trying to console Katya. The shorter woman glared back at her before scurrying under the lower branches of the tree to hoist herself up onto a sturdy branch. Trixie bit her lip, starting to feel anxious as Katya climbed higher and higher until she finally swiped the apple off of the tree. It flew towards the ground and landed directly in the palm of Trixie’s hand. 

“Brava,” Trixie smirked. “Happy now?” Katya had already started clambering down through the branches, and landed on the ground with a thud. She snatched the apple from Trixie’s hand, wiped it on the black denim of her ripped jeans, and took a giant bite. 

“Very,” she chirped, holding the apple towards Trixie to offer her a bite. 

“I’m happy you’re happy. Now can we hurry up? The haunted corn maze closes in an hour and it was my favorite part of the orchard growing up,” Trixie smiled before taking the apple back from Katya and grabbing hold of her hand, dragging her along towards the entrance. Katya was not the biggest fan of horror, but she was a big fan of Trixie, so she was more than willing to come along for the ride. 

As the sun threatened to set over the orchard, the maze felt spookier and spookier by the minute. Katya clung to Trixie’s hand as they made their way through the narrow pathways, Trixie growing more and more frustrated by the minute as they continually hit dead ends. They were both trying not to panic - Katya out of fear, Trixie out of anger - but they couldn’t let the other know. Instead, they just kept a tight grip on each other, Katya steeling herself against Trixie so she wouldn’t jump eight feet into the air every time a creepy noise came from inside the tall wisps of hay. 

While Katya got increasingly good at hiding her tiny gasps and whimpers of fear, Trixie was becoming worse and worse at hiding her exasperation. Every time they hit another dead end, she’d utter a noise halfway between a groan and a scream, muttering to herself about how _ they must keep changing the maze while we’re inside it because I swear this was the right way, I know it was.  _ Katya actually found some comfort in trying to keep Trixie calm, despite her sheer terror. She just kept stroking her hair, telling her they’d find their way eventually. Trixie would groan, stomping her little feet in her pale pink combat boots before turning around and heading back in the other direction to try to crack the code. 

“Come on, Trix,” Katya pleaded and pulled her arm. “I see the light coming from the barn that way. They’re closing soon, we should get out of here.”

“No! That’s the way towards the entrance, we need the exit. I’m a lot of things, Katya,” Trixie sneered. “But I’m not a quitter.”

“I know you’re not,” Katya purred, stroking her arm. “But I’m scared and hungry and I want to watch the sunset with you and tell you you’re pretty. Would that be okay?”

“That...yeah. That’s fine,” Trixie rolled her eyes. “I swear I was so good at these in high school, what the hell happened to me?”

“You grew up,” Katya smiled. “And maybe lost some of your sense of direction along the way.” Trixie swatted her thigh in retaliation, but Katya just giggled to herself. That is, until a shriek came from another part of the maze and she practically jumped Scooby Doo style into Trixie’s waiting arms. Then, it was Trixie’s turn to laugh.

  
  


\---

  
  


“The view from up here is so beautiful,” Trixie whispered. “I always forget how pretty Boston is in the fall.”

After grabbing two giant cups of hot apple cider from the orchard’s cafe, Katya had driven them up to the top of a hill overlooking the entire property. Hundreds of trees, filled with brilliantly colored leaves in auburn and ochre hues, seemed to almost dance and sway in the subtle night breeze. The moonlight reflecting off of Katya’s face as they sat on the roof of her car, sipping apple cider, made her look ethereal. Trixie had never been this close to believing in magic. 

“It’s beautiful,” Katya sighed, turning to her. “Just like you.” Trixie blushed. She wasn’t used to casual compliments, and she certainly wasn’t accustomed to being the sole aim of Katya’s ever-intense focus. Even as it made her squirm, it warmed her heart too. Her blue-green eyes zeroed in on Trixie with a fierceness that made Trixie feel a tension she couldn’t name.

“Can...can I ask you a question?” Katya asked with a soft smile. Trixie felt comforted by the way her ruby lips, even with their smudged lipstick, turned upwards at the ends - she knew this wasn’t going to be a taxing question.

“Of course. Anything,” Trixie replied sweetly. 

“Okay...I just...I remember when we’d talk on the phone or FaceTime or whatever when you were in LA..the happiest I ever heard you was when you were talking about writing new music. Did...did you stop?” Katya prodded, a touch of hesitation in her voice. Trixie gulped. While this was not her favorite topic, she wouldn’t have tolerated this question from anyone else. She reached out and placed her hand over Katya’s, interlocking their fingers with a squeeze.

“I...mostly, yeah. After I got divorced, I knew the songs couldn’t go anywhere. He wasn’t just my husband, he was my record producer and my agent and my only ticket to actual songwriting success. Without him, I’m just a hick with an acoustic and a few silly words,” Trixie sighed.

“That’s not true,” Katya encouraged. “You’re a hick with an acoustic and some amazing words. I’ve heard your old songs. They’re REALLY good, Trix.”

“I still play some of the old ones...and mostly I play other people’s songs, because June asks me to sing her to sleep sometimes, and how could I say no to that face? But...I don’t know. He has so much pull in the industry. He hates me a lot, Kat.” Trixie let out a hollow laugh. “If I ever tried to put anything out, he’d make sure it never went anywhere,” Trixie explained. “I just don’t want to get my hopes up for a dream I know is dead.” 

Katya nodded sadly, rubbing circles on Trixie’s palm and hoping to absorb even a fraction of the pain she knew her Trixie felt. She wanted to tell her that that dream wasn’t dead, that she would give it CPR and life support every single day for the rest of her life if it meant seeing that light twinkle in Trixie’s eyes again. If SHE missed hearing Trixie gush about her new songs and play her little snippets over FaceTime on Sunday mornings, she couldn’t even imagine how much Trixie missed it. 

“Even if it’s not going somewhere, it’s still something you love to do, isn’t it? It doesn’t have to be a top 40 hit for it to mean something. It will always be a way for you to feel what you’re feeling. Right?” Katya suggested. “And I can be your audience. I’ll listen to whatever you write a million times over until it sounds exactly like you hoped it would. Even if I know it’s perfect the very first time.” Katya lightly nudged Trixie with a bright smile, trying her best to give her some sort of comfort.

Trixie shrugged. She did miss it. She missed being able to channel all the anger she felt towards her husband into an electric guitar riff that nearly shredded her calloused fingertips. She missed attempting to write love songs and getting stuck, realizing that what she was feeling wasn’t even love. But the process of writing wasn’t the only thing she missed. She really, REALLY, missed playing the new songs in a recording studio, seeing the looks on the faces of the executives behind the glass as they realized the potential they had sitting in front of them. She missed being underestimated and proving people wrong. And she knew that the second she walked out the door of her LA bungalow with June in tow, she was giving that up. Sometimes, especially early on, she had moments where she wondered if it was worth it. It was. Of course it was. But that didn’t mean she couldn’t pine for it. 

“Listen,” Katya continued, turning Trixie towards her. She was almost stunned speechless by the reflection of the sunset in Trixie’s hazel eyes as she rested her forehead against Trixie’s. “I know things are different. I know you’re not where you thought you’d be. But look around us...isn’t this almost better?”

“So much better,” Trixie immediately agreed. She took a deep breath, soaking up the night air and the scent of Katya’s perfume. She was right. Truth be told, she’d rather write a million songs that made Katya smile than even one that topped a chart. Trixie buried the crown of her head on Katya’s shoulder, slouching down to make up for the height difference, and let her mind drift, whispers of lyrics already spinning through her head. Suddenly, it dawned on her. Her ears burned and her eyes pricked with tears.  _ Maybe now I can write that love song after all.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they're so cute we're gonna start throwing things. 
> 
> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING we love you and we love this story. much more to come, don't worry! 
> 
> let us know what you think in the comments, as always! also come hang out with us on the stupid bird app, you can find us at @sunshinehytes and @ageoflemon :) xo M&M


	13. a fool no more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we look pretty good for 2 dead bitches.
> 
> we are SO SORRY this chapter took a while - life happened and the election in the US happened and this one was tricky to figure out. promise that won't happen again! but we hope you’re still with us and that this one will be worth the wait! < 3
> 
> tws on this one for body image and a brief mention of past emotional abuse in a sexual context.
> 
> (p.s. we upped the chapter count, so you're stuck with us for a little while longer)

**6 MONTHS LATER -**

“Mom, stop fussing. You’ve said ‘this is the last thing, I swear’ like...twelve times now. It looks great. I promise,” June rolled her eyes from her spot perched on the kitchen counter. Trixie, still in sweatpants and a tank top, sprinted around the living room trying to put the final touches on the decorations for that night. They had to be absolutely flawless. It was her girlfriend’s birthday - and their first birthday together, at that. She couldn’t mess this up. 

Trixie had gotten Stevie in on the plan weeks ago, having them distract Katya with a full day of activities before asking her to drop them off at the Mattel’s house so they could do some homework with June. What Katya didn’t know was that all of their closest friends would be inside, in what Trixie liked to call ‘red tie attire’, dressed to the 9s for the svelte and sultry cocktail party of Katya’s wildest, most whimsically fancy dreams. Katya was none the wiser, and Trixie felt like she was on cloud nine. She knew Katya didn’t  _ love _ being the center of attention...but Trixie was determined to make sure she felt loved and special tonight. 

The menu was set, the decorations perfected, and the wine chilling in the fridge. Trixie was nothing if not a planner, and this was maybe her finest work yet. She still had several hours before people would start to arrive, and the last step was to stop by the department store to pick up the dress she’d bought for Katya to wear, and then all was ready for that evening - save for her own glam, of course. But Katya was her priority right now. This was her night, and she deserved to be spoiled. 

She’d found Katya the perfect dress for the party - something elegant and dramatic, yet not too frilly. She slipped on a pair of tennis shoes and Katya’s old flannel she had never returned, grabbing her keys and calling back to June that she’d be home in just a little bit. She had to drive all the way across town to pick it up at the mall, but it was worth it. Anything was worth it for her girlfriend.  _ Girlfriend _ , Trixie giggled to herself as she swung her legs into the car and turned the key in the ignition. They’d been dating for almost six months now, and the word still made her cheeks go red and her heart start fluttering. Every single day with Katya was better than the last, and taught her so much about what love ACTUALLY was. Love was not what she had with her ex-husband. Love was how Katya knew to put extra butter on Trixie’s half of the popcorn and the way they always found an excuse to keep a hand on the small of the other’s back or tucked inside the other’s pocket while they walked through downtown together. Love was their weekly coffee date that remained exactly the same except for the addition of stolen kisses across the table. Love was how Katya hadn’t even asked for the flannel back even though it had been in Trixie’s possession for over half a year. For Trixie, love was Katya. Deep down, she’d known that all along, but she finally understood what it meant.

As she made her way to the store, she went over her plan in her head - lingering in the mall for too long meant too many unwanted run-ins with childhood acquaintances or distant family friends, and she did not want that. So the plan was to grab Katya’s dress from the pickup counter, quickly scan the racks for the strapless bra she needs for her dress tonight, and book it straight out of there. It seemed straightforward enough, but she was sure she’d get derailed along the way. The person working the customer service desk was incredibly kind and already had Katya’s dress waiting in a midnight blue garment bag, which Trixie carefully took from her with a warm smile. As she shuffled over to the racks of bras, making a beeline for the only familiar one, she heard a voice call out behind her.

“Miss Mattel, to what do I owe this honor?”

Trixie gulped and squeezed her eyes shut. She knew that voice anywhere. Almost comically slowly, Trixie turned around to find, in her opinion, the worst possible person she could have randomly run into in the lingerie section. Brooke’s piercing blue eyes blinked back at her, her waist length pink hair pulled into a perfect french braid and her black leather dress hugging every curve of her body. Trixie literally felt nauseous at the sight of how stunning she was. 

“Brooke! Hi! I was just picking up a dress for Katya, we’re doing a little surprise birthday thing for her tonight,” Trixie sputtered out.

“That doesn’t explain what you’re doing in the lingerie section, unless...are you trying to pick out something for her?” Brooke asked with a smirk. Trixie felt her stomach drop, but she could tell from the look in Brooke’s eyes that she was excited to have the opportunity to torture Trixie like this. Not in a malicious way at all - Brooke had no bad intentions. She just knew the ability she had to push Trixie’s buttons, and she tripped on the quasi-power it gave her. It didn’t mean she cared about her any less - just that she loved the way that her icy stare sent shivers down peoples’ spines.

“Uh...um...no. No! I’m sure she has something she can wear with this...I just need a strapless bra to wear with my dress…” Trixie trailed off, not wanting to invite any sort of suggestion or commentary.

“No not for her to wear, like…” Brooke wiggled her eyebrows, looking Trixie up and down. “FOR her.” Trixie’s face burned with red-hot fire, the color spread from her cheeks to her ears and warmed her whole body through, making her wish she had left the pink leather jacket Katya had bought her for Christmas in the car.

“Um…” Trixie stammered, unable to even catch her words up to her brain. 

“Sorry, I guess I assumed you two were dating by now or something. My bad,” Brooke explained as she stepped back. Trixie’s eyes bugged out of her head. This situation was proving to be exactly as horrifying as Trixie was afraid it would be.

“We are! We are dating. Yeah. For like...six months now,” Trixie admitted, a smile creeping onto her face. 

“I knew it! Oh my gosh, Trixie!! That’s amazing. I’m so happy for you two,” Brooke grinned back, reaching out to bat Trixie on the arm. “She’s a catch, and so are you. You two deserve each other.”

“Wow, thank you,” Trixie beamed. She had never seen this side of Brooke before - happy, almost proud? It was honestly kind of refreshing.

“But for real, can I help you pick out something to wear for her tonight? It’d be so fun!” Brooke sincerely asked. “Plus, you know I know what she likes.”

Trixie’s heart started pounding again. Her anxious brain rattled around her skull in a million different directions all at once - first of all, the fact that Brooke actually did know what Katya liked because for a very long time, Brooke WAS what Katya liked...that fact nearly sent Trixie into a frenzy because Trixie was, very obviously, not Brooke. That was enough on its own, but it was coupled with the fact that while Trixie and Katya had been taking things slow, Trixie was still too self conscious to do anything with the lights on. The room had to be completely dark for her to feel comfortable - and while Katya was unbelievably patient and kind and understanding, it made Trixie feel guilty and shameful. So the idea of picking out lingerie for herself as a present to Katya scared the ever-living shit out of her. It made her head spin and her knees buckle. And here Brooke was, standing in front of her, all bright-eyed and ethereal, waiting for Trixie to tell her what she wanted to hear. 

“I…” Trixie started, planning to give Brooke a very polite ‘no thank you’ before sprinting in the other direction with her tail between her legs. But before she could even get to her second word, Brooke grabbed her arm and whisked her into a new section of the store, one Trixie had never seen before. Her vision went blurry as swatches of lace and leather flew around her head, and she couldn’t put up a fight as Brooke escorted her to a dressing room. Her eyes gravitated towards a blush colored teddy, embroidered with tiny white lace flowers. It was cute and dainty and so perfect for her...but Katya wouldn’t want that. Katya liked BROOKE, for crying out loud. Brooke was sexy, mysterious, confident. If Katya liked that, she would want something more dark, more daring...something way less Trixie. As Trixie wrestled her way into a black lace set, she couldn’t even lay eyes on herself in the mirror. She felt so uncomfortable, so unlike herself. But if this would make Katya happy, she was more than willing to put herself through hell. 

“Come on, Mattel,” Brooke chirped from outside the dressing room. “Let me see.” 

“No,” Trixie screeched, running to the curtain separating her from the outside world and holding it taut to the wall. She wasn’t even ready for her girlfriend to see her in this, let alone her girlfriend’s..ex-girlfriend. Her brain started to drift to very dark places that she had tried to lock the doors to. She hadn’t gone there since she’d been with Katya, but she never forgot. The places her ex-husband created. She could almost hear whispers of  _ stay under the covers so I don’t have to see you _ intensifying to screams of insults and threats much more sinister and violent, and even though the room was silent, everything felt painfully loud.

And then, Brooke burst into the dressing room, her eyes sparkling with something Trixie couldn’t place. Before she could speak, Trixie said, “I know, I’ll change back into my clothes and head out, I’m sorry you had to see tha-” 

Brooke stopped her before she could ramble any further. “Trixie. Stop. Holy shit.” 

“I know, I’m -” Trixie said with a sigh and a defeated look on her face.

“You’re fucking hot,” Brooke smirked. “Like, really hot, Trix. But I know you’re taken, so I’m not trying to interfere, but...damn.” Trixie blushed so hard she felt dizzy. 

“No I’m not,” she argued, pulling at the band that wrapped around her thigh. “It’s too tight on me, and too risky, and I’m too ugly for this, and I feel nothing like myself.”

Brooke frowned, which confused Trixie a little. “Try the pink one! With the flowers! I picked the one you have on because it’s something I would wear, but I picked that one because it’s something YOU would wear. It’d look so good on you! Please?” Brooke grinned, taking the teddy off of the rack and placing it in Trixie’s hands.

“But...Katya wants what you would wear. She liked you,” Trixie hung her head as she spoke, placing the hanger back. 

“And now she likes you. It’s your call, you’d look great in either, but you have to feel good too. I’ll let you have a second, but I’m right outside if you need me,” Brooke rolled her eyes as she stepped back out of the dressing room, leaving Trixie alone with her thoughts. She couldn’t place her emotions - somewhere between embarrassed and overwhelmed and angry - but only at herself. She knew that Katya thought she was hot. Katya was not shy about telling her that more often than Trixie felt comfortable with. She just didn’t understand why Katya thought that when, in her mind, it was so far from the truth. Her past relationship taught her many lessons, but the biggest thing was to be guarded with herself. She’d always been able to feign confidence, but she’d never felt truly beautiful until Katya told her she was. But why wouldn’t she let herself believe it? It all became too much, the concoction of frustration and panic building in her gut. She slid down against the dressing room wall, hugging her knees to her chest and giving in to the tears pricking behind her eyes. 

  
  


\---

  
  


“TEN MINUTES PEOPLE, TEN MINUTES,” June screeched, the party guests gathered around her reeling at the volume of her announcement. June tapped away on her phone, clicking her gold nails against the screen frantically to keep refreshing Stevie’s location on Find Friends, making sure that Katya’s ETA was on target. Her mom had disappeared upstairs about fifteen minutes earlier, telling June to hold down the fort for just a few while she finished getting ready. But now that Katya’s arrival was...nine minutes and 43 seconds away, June knew her mom would want her to drag her downstairs at all costs. As soon as she made sure that everyone in the room had heard her, she jogged up the stairs, the flowy ruffled hem of her mint green dress bouncing against her thighs as she stepped. She rounded the corner into the hallway and tapped her silver nails against her mom’s door.

“Mom? Can I come in?” she asked. She heard a muffle of approval behind the door and opened it quickly, gasping at the sight before her.

Trixie sat at her vanity, her perfectly-painted face bathed in yellow gold light that caught the highlighter on the apples of her cheeks with a shimmer. Her blush colored dress hugged tight to every curve, and the color exactly matched the crown of flowers that sat on the top of her honey blonde curls. June smiled a dopey smile just looking at her. Sure, she was beautiful - she always was. But she looked so  _ happy _ . June had loved getting to see this side of her mom - the carefree, giddy, lovedrunk side that Katya brought out in her. 

“What?” Trixie asked, swiping a final coat of a sheer pink gloss across her lips. 

“Happy looks good on you,” June grinned. “And so does that dress, holy shit.” Trixie rolled her eyes, screwing the top back onto her lip gloss and setting it down on the vanity.

“Is she almost here?” Trixie asked, choosing to blow completely past June’s question. She was so self conscious from earlier that her mind started trying to convince her that June was obligated to say nice things because she was her daughter. There was no time for spiraling, though, Katya was almost here, and tonight was about her. June nodded, and Trixie swiped her gold platform heels off of the ottoman that sat at the foot of her bed before following her out the door. Before she made her way downstairs, she looked back to check that all was set up - she had laid out Katya’s new midnight blue dress, adorned with silvery spun flecks, dramatically on her cream colored comforter, and a pair of silver pumps were artfully set next to them. Trixie smiled. She couldn’t wait to see Katya try it on - she knew she’d look perfect in it. Trixie sometimes felt so unworthy of being loved by someone as beautiful as Katya, especially on the rare occasions when Katya actually got dressed up. She was stunning in sweatpants and a sports bra, of course, but something about her dark colored dresses and skyscraper heels and icy blonde hair shot through Trixie’s heart like lightning. Katya was the perfect storm, and Trixie barely felt like a single raindrop by comparison. 

“TWO MINUTES, PEOPLE,” June yelled, flitting around the room as she refreshed Stevie’s location. Trixie galloped down the stairs, making sure everyone was in perfect hiding position and switching all of the lights in the living room off, save for the dim string lights she had woven through the curtains. She finally crouched behind an oversized recliner with June, sharing a tiny giggle with her before she heard the front door click open.  _ Thank god I gave Katya a key already _ , Trixie thought. 

“June?” Stevie called out, barely holding back the giggle in their voice.

“Honey, I’m home!” Katya exclaimed as she walked through the door, clearly not paying attention as she spoke. It took her a second before she noticed the ominous lights and the buzzing air. 

“SURPRISE!” the room collectively yelled. Katya flinched, almost dropping her purse, and letting out a tiny squeal. Stevie cackled behind her, and Katya looked back at them with a joking glare. 

“I…” Katya started, but she didn’t have any words to fill the rest of the sentence. She was truly speechless. Sure, she expected that Trixie would do  _ something _ for her birthday - but she didn’t expect anything fancy like this. As her eyes scanned the room, seeing so many friends she hadn’t seen in a while, they finally landed on Trixie. She couldn’t help but let out a tiny sigh as she took her in. She was the prettiest, most radiant person in the room - really, in the world - and she was HER girlfriend. 

“Happy birthday, baby,” Trixie smiled as she ran towards Katya. With Trixie’s heels on, Katya had to reach up on her tiptoes to capture her lips in a kiss, but that didn’t stop her from trying her best to lead. They broke apart only at the sound of Stevie coughing dramatically from where they stood next to June. The looks on their faces made it all too clear that they were both ready to actually start the party instead of just standing around, watching their moms make out. 

“I...I can’t believe you did all of this for me,” Katya whispered.

“Of course I did. You know how much I love birthdays. And you,” Trixie shrugged. 

“I love you so much,” Katya replied as she leaned in to kiss her again. Katya smiled, thinking about how they’d only been together for 6 months, but it had been  _ I love you _ since day 1. That was never a question for them. The love came before their relationship was even set in stone, and even if they’d tried to take things slow, they couldn’t help themselves. It had never felt rushed, because they were already soulmates - now they were just soulmates who also made out. Their love transcended explanation or societal norms, and Katya tried to place all of those feelings into each and every kiss they shared. Trixie obliged her for a quick second, getting caught up in the soft touch of the bamboo cotton covering Katya’s toned arms before remembering what was waiting upstairs and pulling back.

“Oh!” Trixie jumped. “Come with me, I have something for you! June, entertain the guests for a few minutes, darling.” June rolled her eyes jokingly before turning on her heel and joining Stevie on the couch. Trixie grabbed Katya by the hand and pulled her towards the steps, nearly skipping up them with excitement. 

“What? You’ve already surprised me enough,” Katya groaned jokingly. She loved surprises, and she knew Trixie knew that. She relished spontaneity, and trusted Trixie more than anyone to know exactly what she’d want. 

“There’s something for you on the bed. I’ll wait out here,” Trixie smiled, wiggling an eyebrow and gesturing Katya into her room. As she softly closed the door behind Katya, Trixie let her back hit the wall, tapping her hands over her chest in alternating motions to try to calm her racing heart. Meanwhile, on the other side of the door, Katya melted. Her knees went weak, brain went fuzzy, fingertips went numb. She hadn’t had a sip of alcohol, but with the warmth radiating through her body and the familiar pink glow on the apples of her cheeks, she felt drunk on the affection of all of the friends who had somehow hidden this from her for however long. But mostly on Trixie. Especially on Trixie. 

Katya walked towards the bed and she let out a tiny gasp as her eyes took in the midnight blue dream that lay on the bed waiting for her. She never would’ve picked it out for herself - she would’ve said it was too extravagant, too fancy, too much - but Trixie knew her best. As she slipped out of her sweatshirt and leggings and zipped herself perfectly into the gown, she looked in the mirror and smiled. It made her look taller and tanner than she was without her summer glow. She quickly rustled her long blonde hair out of a ponytail and fished around in her purse for her trusty NARS red lipstick. Within minutes, she had gone from Comfy and Casual to Elegant and Enchanting - part of Trixie’s magical ability to make her feel more and more like a princess every day. As she buckled the silver heels on and adjusted to the feeling in the arches of her feet, Trixie knocked lightly, not looking in but opening the door a tiny bit.

“Babe? Do you need help zipping it up? Does it fit okay?” Trixie asked nervously. Katya let out a breathless laugh.

“What do you think? Come see,” Katya exhaled with a smile. Trixie took a step into the room and her eyes twinkled with a perfect mix of delight and pride. She reached out and took Katya’s hand delicately, giving her a tiny twirl so she could take in the full picture. 

“Almost perfect,” Trixie smiled. She reached over to her vanity, where a crown of midnight blue roses and silver gems sat waiting for her. Trixie carefully placed it atop Katya’s soft blonde waves, tucking a stray piece behind her ear in the process. 

“There,” Trixie beamed. “Now perfect. I mean, you always are but...I really picked well.”

“Yeah,” Katya grinned, reaching out her hand to take Trixie’s again, filled with nothing but the purest and most sacred of love for her. “So did I.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO SOFT OUCH . let us know your thoughts in the comments! we promise the next one will not take as long to get to you! as always, come play on twitter if you want to hang out with us - @sunshinehytes and @vickyeblack (rip ageoflemon) ! xoxo M&M


	14. you make loving fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi dolls!! 
> 
> this chapter is ... a doozy. BE WARNED THAT THERE IS SMUT AHEAD. read at your own risk! additional tws for negative body image, alcohol, and past emotional abuse.

“I didn’t think you’d want a birthday hat, so I figured a flower crown was a safe way to say ‘I’m the birthday girl’ without being too ridiculous.”

“If you wanted it to be my birthday hat or whatever, why are you wearing one too?” Katya nearly screeched. The glass of champagne in her hand was almost empty, but her heart was so full it could’ve burst at any moment. Trixie rolled her eyes back at her girlfriend. 

“I didn’t want you to be the only one because I know you hate being the center of attention!!” Trixie explained. It was true - Katya was notorious for hating the spotlight, and Trixie wanted to simultaneously celebrate her and make her feel comfortable. Which was why instead of just ordering Katya’s navy blue and silver flower crown, she had purchased a fuschia and blush one for herself as well. 

“You really just hate anyone else being in the spotlight, huh?” Katya teased. 

“Maybe...you love it though.”

“Yeah. Yeah I do.”

The party had been a smashing success so far. All of the guests - every one of their closest friends - seemed to be having a great time. Trixie scanned the room, trying to make sure everyone was occupied. Her eyes landed on Katya first, and the glow radiating off of the birthday girl assured Trixie that she was enjoying herself. The sight made Trixie’s heart flutter, and a satisfied smile spread across her face. Stevie sat on the couch, listening intently to Sasha, who had been Katya’s freshman year roommate at art school, banter back and forth with her wife Shea about some philosophical concept that went completely over Trixie’s head. Across the room, June sat on the piano bench, rambling to their fellow PTA member Shangela about how Kelsea Ballerini’s new album was what she referred to as a “cultural reset.” And before Trixie could finish her glance around the room, Katya was tugging on her arm, dragging her over to meet two women she didn’t know. 

“Trix, baby, this is my friend Alaska,” Katya grinned. “Alaska this is...uh…”

“The woman you ditched me for on our date, I know,” Alaska snorted. Katya turned bright red, remembering how hopelessly in love with Trixie she had been at the time without even knowing it. She’d been lucky to eventually become friends with her despite it all, but Alaska would be damned if she didn’t embarrass the shit out of Katya about that night every once in a while. 

“I…” Katya laughed, as Trixie introduced herself and enveloped Alaska in a tight hug.

“It’s okay,” the striking woman beside her brushed it off and extended her hand. “I’m her girlfriend, Violet. The heartbreak clearly wore off, Lasky’s just fine now.” Trixie delicately shook her hand, and the two shared a giggle, delighting in the shared embarrassment of their partners. They sat and talked for a while next to the photo area Trixie had set up using some streamers and balloons, and they made sure to take a photo of the four of them before Stevie flickered the lights to get everyone’s attention. Just then, June bounded into the room, carrying the most beautiful cake Katya had ever seen. By the proud look on her face, June had clearly made it herself, but it could’ve been in any world-class bakery. As the crowd broke out in a rousing chorus of Happy Birthday, Katya felt a sense of peace she hadn’t felt in years. In this room, surrounded by her favorite people, even though she was the center of attention, she’d never felt more at home. She snuck a glance at Trixie, whose eyes were trained on June, full of love and pride, and she wished she could live in this moment forever. 

One by one, the party guests made their way home, full of sparkling wine and red velvet cake and the distinct tingly feeling of meaningful late night talks. Violet realized how late it had gotten and asked Alaska to take her back home, with a quick promise to text Trixie so they could set up a double date in the next few weeks. Trixie smiled, excited to have made a new friend, and walked them to the door to say goodbye as Katya kept mingling. 

“She really loves you, you know,” Alaska admitted from where she stood in the doorframe. She stood so sure of herself, blinking at Trixie through thick eyelashes. “She always has.”

“I know,” Trixie beamed. “I love her too.” Alaska hummed in contentment as she took Violet’s hand and led her to the car. 

Once the room had cleared out, Katya wrapped her arms around Trixie’s waist, pulling her close to her. The smell of champagne and vanilla on her breath was enough to drive Trixie insane. She rested her head on the top of Katya’s and breathed in slowly, relishing in the sweet moment.

“Have I told you today that you’re the best girlfriend on the planet?” Katya asked, placing a kiss right under Trixie’s jaw. “Maybe even in the galaxy. No wonder I’m gonna make you see stars tonight.” Trixie held back a purr, trying to keep her composure.

“Kats, baby...Stevie and June are literally in the kitchen,” Trixie whispered emphatically. Katya either didn’t hear her or chose to ignore it as she continued down Trixie’s neck and towards her collarbone. Trixie closed her eyes, trying to take deep breaths, until she heard a tiny voice at the door. 

“Um...I’m just gonna go sleep at the Zamo’s tonight…” June called, a slight shake in her voice, pastel yellow duffel bag in hand. 

“That’s probably better,” Katya hurriedly agreed. Stevie pretended they were going to be sick, but not without a tiny smirk behind their eyes. 

“You two have fun,” they teased. June cackled as Stevie opened the door, letting the two of them out and slamming it behind them. 

“Now, where were we?” Katya asked. She ran a hand through the crown of Trixie’s matted hair, now pulled up in a ponytail to save her from the heat of the party. Trixie gulped. If she was going to be brave, now was the moment.

“Why don’t we go upstairs? I have something for you,” Trixie nervously smiled. 

“Ooh, more surprises?” Katya grinned, hesitant to let go of her but eager to know what the night had in store. Trixie’s face felt like it was on fire - she was hoping that her full coverage foundation was saving her ass right now, but she was fairly sure some of it had faded through the party. 

“Yeah, why don’t...why don’t you go take a shower or something and get comfy, and I’ll be waiting for you in my room when you’re done?” Trixie tried to maintain a subtle air of confidence, but needed to buy herself some time to have a mini meltdown before baring her soul - and more of her body than she was used to. 

“That sounds perfect, babe,” Katya giggled. She dropped a kiss on Trixie’s forehead before traipsing up the stairs and into the bathroom that was just down the hall from Trixie’s room. As Trixie heard the sound of the shower turning on from where she sat on the couch, she exhaled. At least she had 7-10 minutes to get herself together. She tiptoed over to the front hallway, grabbed the department store bag from where it sat in the closet, and brought it upstairs. She knew if she stopped moving, even for a second, she’d lose her nerve. The momentum and adrenaline were the only things keeping her from pretending she’d never said there was a surprise and falling asleep next to Katya in the pitch dark, per norm. 

She had purchased two sets of lingerie - she truly loathed the way she looked in both, but she knew they were objectively pretty things and that Katya wouldn’t hate at least one of them. As she tentatively pulled out a black and red lace set from the bag, staring longingly at the pink feathered teddy that sat beneath it, she tried to talk herself up.  _ Katya likes you, and she’ll like this _ , she reminded herself. As much as she tried to hear Katya’s voice in her head, the voice of reason and reassurance, the only voice she could hear was the distinctly male one telling her she was disgusting, she wasn’t built right to wear something like this, she might as well just walk out the door now and never come back. The sheer force of the memory, of the sound of her ex husband’s voice and the smell of bourbon wafting from it, nearly knocked the wind out of her. 

She held her breath as she slipped out of her dress and into the tangle of fabric that she somehow felt was so much material and yet covered so little of her in the process. She refused to look at herself in the mirror - she knew it would only make matters worse. Instead, as she pulled on a pair of black lacy thigh-highs, she just tried to focus on the breathing exercises she’d been working on teaching Stevie. In for 4 seconds, hold it for 7 seconds, out for 8 seconds. She tried to drown out the sound of the shower water turning off with the strength of her exhale, but she still heard it. Panicking, she grabbed her floor-length pink silk robe from where it hung on the back of her closet door, flinging it around herself just as Katya re-entered the room. Even with most of her makeup scrubbed off of her face, in a simple white towel, she was the most ethereal being Trixie had ever laid eyes on.  _ How could you ever compare to that?  _ her brain yelled.  _ How could you ever be enough for that? _

“Hi baby,” Katya grinned, tying the towel around herself to free up her hands. She reached towards Trixie, who instinctively took a tiny hesitant step back. She didn’t mean to, didn’t try to - it just happened.  _ Fuck _ , Trixie thought, as Katya’s face scrunched up. She cocked her head to the side, leaning against Trixie’s vanity.

“Is everything okay?” Katya asked. She didn’t want to press her luck or any of Trixie’s sometimes-invisible buttons, so she kept her distance for the moment. 

“Yeah, of course!” Trixie chirped, trying as hard as she could to feign confidence. But Katya knew her better than that. Katya knew the actual confident Trixie was more stoic, more composed. This fake-confident Trixie, with her nearly-pained smile and her over the top bubbles couldn’t fool Katya. 

“Baby...come on. You can talk to me,” Katya cooed, reaching out a hand to place it on Trixie’s quivering knee. As Trixie jerked her leg back, Katya caught a glimpse of a black lace thigh high under the robe. Katya exhaled through her nose - no matter how worked up the idea of Trixie in whatever she had on made her, she knew she needed to keep her composure. She was starting to see why Trixie was so jumpy, and she wasn’t willing to let her feel like she was anything less than angelic. 

“I’m sorry,” Trixie admitted tearfully. She kept her eyes focused down towards her feet, unwilling to even meet Katya’s gaze. Katya was inevitably going to try to make her feel better, try to cheer her up. And while Trixie appreciated it, guilt overtook her body for feeling anything right now other than just the desire to make her girlfriend - her best friend - happy on her birthday. No  matter what Katya said, Trixie was not going to easily believe her. 

“For what, doll? Tonight has been the most amazing night ever - that party was the best birthday I’ve ever had - and now I get to hang out with you. What could be better than that?” Katya asked earnestly. She figured Trixie knew she’d seen the flash of her thigh - she didn’t want to mention it until Trixie was ready.

“I...I…” Trixie stammered. Katya knew this version of Trixie well. This was the Trixie who wouldn’t benefit from tough love, who would only open up with the gentlest of words and the most delicate of thumbs rubbed across the back of her hand. As Katya tenderly reached an arm out to her, Trixie contentedly set her tiny hand in Katya’s palm. Katya closed her fingers around Trixie’s hand and squeezed, conveying something she could not express with words. Trixie took a deep breath to steel herself and continued. 

“When I went to go pick up your dress earlier, I went to the lingerie section to get a strapless bra because I thought you’d need it with the dress. But...I ran into Brooke there,” Trixie could barely make it through the sentence without Katya’s jaw dropping.

“BROOKE? Like,  _ Brooke  _ Brooke?” 

“Yes, that Brooke,” Trixie continued. “I was just going to buy your thing and leave but...she talked me into buying...um…”

“Whatever you have on now?” Katya asked. Trixie’s eyes widened in a combination of embarrassment and shock. Katya just smiled a half-smile and rubbed her hand. “It’s okay, I’m not here to pressure you. You know that.” 

As much as she wanted to see all of Trixie - she was sure her beauty was beyond the scope of her imagination - she didn’t want to make her uncomfortable in the process. She knew what Trixie had been through, and that she was still working through it. But, god, Katya wished she could tear the robe off of her and throw her onto the bed right then and there. 

“I just...I thought this is what you wanted,” Trixie sadly sighed. “Black lace and confidence and someone ten times more like Brooke than I could ever be.”

“Honey…” Katya tried to collect her thoughts. She had too much she wanted to say, and was far too distracted by the thought of Trixie in black lace to keep any of those thoughts in a straight line. “Are you kidding? I want YOU. And you only. And I’m sorry if I haven’t told you that enough for you to know it without a shadow of a fucking doubt.”

“No, you have,” Trixie fired back. “It’s just...it’s your birthday and she’s more your type and I wanted you to feel special and…”

“Stop right there,” Katya insisted. Trixie’s voice cut out as she bit down on her bottom lip. Katya knew it wasn’t meant to be sexy, but it was. So effortlessly so. “Trixie Mattel, YOU are what makes me special. YOU. Because not only are you my dream girl, but you’re the love of my life. You are SO my type. Not you dressed like Brooke, not you pretending to be someone you’re not. YOU. Obviously, you’re sexy, gorgeous, and perfect in anything. But as much as I’m sure I’d love what you have on, I love you just as much in your pink sparkles and frilly dresses or in your jeans and faded vintage t-shirts or even in your stupid silk pajamas that I don’t get the purpose of. Because you’re my everything, but you’re at your best when you’re YOU. When you’re wearing too much blush and I can smell your bubble gum lip gloss from the other side of the room. That’s who you are. Why would I want you to be anyone else?” 

“I…” Trixie was speechless. She still felt anxious, but she felt so loved, so wanted. It was foreign to her, but in a way that felt more comforting than she’d expected. The feeling of being wanted was something that Trixie cherished more than she would ever dare to explain to anyone, even Katya. It was in the little things, like the way Katya asked if she could bring a plus one to every event she was invited to. And the way that she always made sure Trixie was comfortable before making a decision, in any and every situation. It made her heart glow and her eyes fill with tears, but here, now, Trixie knew that she was, and always would be, wanted by Katya.

“And obviously, I would love to see you in whatever you have on, because you’re sexy as hell and I would never turn down an opportunity to tell you that. But if you want me to turn around and not look so you want to change into PJs, I can, and we can just cuddle and watch Clueless. Whatever you want is fine with me too,” Katya grinned. Trixie got a tiny shot of actual, bonafide confidence - not the fake stuff she’d been putting on earlier - and led Katya over to her bed. Katya sat down on the edge, tiny droplets of water still dripping off of the ends of her hair and onto the comforter. 

“Okay, but you have to tell me if you hate it and if I’m disgusting, I mean who am I kidding, I know I am, it’s just-” Trixie was cut off by Katya squeezing her hand.

“Breathe, baby. I’m sure I’ll love it. But no pressure. You don’t have to,” she reminded her, nodding with each word as her eyes buried into Trixie’s soul. Trixie dropped Katya’s hand, took a deep breath, and squeezed her eyes shut as she shrugged the robe off and onto the floor. While her eyes were shut, she missed the range of emotions that played out over Katya’s face: first shock, then pride, then desire, and finally, love. 

“You,” Katya started, pulling Trixie in by the waist even while she couldn’t see, “are a fucking goddess. You know that, right?”

“No I’m not,” Trixie frowned. “I look gross.” It broke Katya’s heart to know that somewhere, somehow, someone had drilled that into her head. Probably her ex - yet another reason Katya would’ve killed him with her bare hands if it wouldn’t mean getting taken to prison and therefore away from Trixie. 

“I know that’s what the voice in your head is telling you, doll. But look at me,” Katya stood and placed a delicate hand under Trixie’s jawline, tilting her head up to meet her eyes. Trixie’s pupils were blown out and glassy already, and the strong arch of Katya’s brow above her ice blue stare certainly wasn’t making her heart beat any slower. “And listen to me. You. Are. Sexy. As. Fuck. And if you don’t believe that by the end of the night, that’s my fault, not yours, do you hear me?”

“Are you sure?” Trixie asked nervously. She trusted Katya with every fiber of her being and every nerve in her body, but she was wading into uncharted territory here. Sure, she’d been with Katya hundreds of times at this point - but never like this. This felt like a new level of intimacy that Trixie was nowhere near an expert in.

“Does this seem unsure to you?” Katya asked, pulling Trixie to sit next to her on the bed and tangling one hand in the roots of her hair, placing the other on one of Trixie’s exposed thighs. She kissed her with all the force and passion she had in her body, slowly using the kiss to maneuver herself on top of Trixie as she gently lay them both back on the bed. Trixie kissed back, and the more time that went by, the more comfortable she felt - the more she let herself let go. She let her hands travel from the nape of Katya’s neck to settle across Katya’s toned back, still partially covered by the soft white towel. 

“You doing okay, babygirl?” Katya asked, pulling back for a second. Trixie nodded, but Katya wasn’t convinced yet. Katya sat back on her heels, still straddling Trixie’s legs, and tried to take in her facial expression. Trixie looked so hot with her messy hair and smudged pink lipstick and big glowy eyes. Katya could’ve died, she was so beautiful. Trixie sat up halfway to catch Katya’s mouth again, biting at her bottom lip ever so carefully and ripping the towel off of Katya. Just as Katya was about to pull back, to insist that Trixie talk to her, Trixie reached behind her back and undid the black lace bra with just the slightest of touches. It was half a size too small on her, and Trixie tried to convince herself that she was taking it off just to feel more comfortable and not to somehow distract Katya from the thoughts that were obviously swirling around in her head. 

“Does this seem okay to you?” Trixie teased, bringing Katya’s hands up and talking through her teeth. Katya rolled her eyes. She hated how bratty Trixie got in bed - except no, she absolutely didn’t. She loved it, and Trixie knew that. Trixie leaned in as Katya let out a tiny sigh - Katya half-heartedly squeezed back and Trixie threw her head back in a moan. 

“Fuck,” Trixie growled. Katya felt what could only be compared to a bolt of lightning run through her. Trixie was desperate for the contact - and god knows, so was Katya. Especially now that Trixie had gotten rid of that stupid towel. But she knew better. Katya knew that when Trixie was overwhelmed or anxious or didn’t want to talk about her feelings, she threw herself into whatever she was doing. Whether it was baking or singing or even sex, she was a master of distraction. As much as Katya would’ve given anything to just lie Trixie back and fuck her brains out in that moment, she didn’t want to do so while knowing how much was weighing on her mind. It didn’t feel right.

“Hey, hey, hey…” Katya spoke into Trixie’s lips, pulling herself back the slightest bit. Trixie turned her bottom lip into a pout as she leaned back to sit up against the pillows. Katya stayed where she was - sure, she wanted her to talk, but she still couldn’t bear to not be on top of her. “Talk to me. What’s in your head. And don’t tell me it’s nothing.”

“I just…” Trixie so wished she could just brush it off and go back to focusing her attention on letting Katya make her whimper like that again. But she knew she had to get this out. “When...when I was with my ex. He told me all the fucking time to tone down the glitter and the pink. He said that if I wanted to be taken seriously, if I wanted to somehow convince anyone I was worth anything, if I wanted to be beautiful, I’d just dress like a normal person and act like a normal person and just...be exactly what he wanted me to be. He said it’s why my songs wouldn’t sell. He said it’s why he didn’t love me, why I wasn’t worth paying attention to. I wasn’t special to him. And he never told me I was pretty or sexy or anything. So that’s why it makes me nervous when you do. It...you make me feel beautiful in a way that scares me. I don’t know what to do with it. It’s not a bad thing. I just...I just need to get used to it.”

“And you will,” Katya promised, grabbing her hands. “I promise. And I’m sorry he lied. I’m sorry he didn’t know what he had. But I know. I’ll never fucking take it - or you - for granted. And I’ll spend every moment of every day for the rest of our lives proving to you just how mind-numbingly gorgeous you are. Inside, outside, every side.”

“I love you. So much.” Trixie grinned, starting to feel that gnawing anxious feeling ever so slightly melting away.

“I love you most,” Katya fired back. Trixie giggled. And as much as Katya could’ve just sat there holding Trixie’s hands and telling her how stunning she was forever, she had some unfinished business to take care of. 

“Okay, have you said all you need to say? Can I fuck you until you can’t see straight now?” Katya smirked. Trixie’s face took on a devilish look Katya had never seen from her before. She happily flopped back into the pile of pillows behind her, wiggling her eyebrows as she landed.

“You are such a tease,” Katya joked again.

“What are you going to do about it?” Trixie asked tauntingly. She more than knew the answer to that question, but she loved nothing more than seeing the power trip it gave Katya.

Katya practically smashed her lips into Trixie’s, smearing the remainder of her red lipstick all over her. Trixie’s hands roamed nervously, up and down Katya’s back, squeezing her boobs, cupping her face. As soon as Katya felt Trixie’s breath starting to grow uneven and her skin heating up, she gingerly kissed Trixie’s nose and started leaving kisses all the way down her body that felt like wildfires on Trixie’s skin. As Katya made her way down Trixie’s stomach, all of her anxiety melted - now, all Trixie wanted was for Katya to have her way with her. Feeling the energy shift, Katya intensified her efforts. She massaged Trixie’s boobs while planting kisses on her hip bones. Trixie made futile attempts to stifle back her moans. Katya looked up at her with heavy lidded eyes. 

“I want to hear you.” 

Nodding quickly, Trixie finally let go of all of her insecurities and felt so happy to be where she was, sharing this moment with Katya. The sappy sentiment was over when a guttural moan ripped through Trixie’s chest as Katya finally made contact with her aching core. 

“I’m sorry I ripped your pretty lingerie,” Katya breathed out. Trixie’s mind was too far gone to comprehend what she even said, much less respond, so she just laughed softly and grabbed onto Katya’s hand. Katya squeezed her hand as she used the other to circle her fingers around Trixie’s clit. 

“Katya, please,” Trixie hissed, arching her back. 

“Patience, baby girl.” Katya chastised. Trixie let out a desperate whine, and Katya knew she was about to lose control. Her pupils were completely dilated, and her skin was tinged red all over. She could tell that she was struggling to keep her eyes open, but Katya loved to look her in the eyes as she went down on her, and Trixie knew that. Trixie instinctively spread her legs further, and Katya finally gave her the attention she craved. Looking up through her lashes, Katya ate Trixie out like she had done many times before, but this time felt different. It felt like their souls had one more tether after their conversations tonight. Katya was elated that Trixie finally trusted her enough to share the scary things that she had tried so hard to bury. She knew Trixie needed to be completely honest in order to heal, and she finally did just that. And as a bonus, the sex was better now too. Not that it was bad before. But nothing could compare to this. 

Trixie considered what followed cruel and unusual punishment from Katya, which really just meant that Katya didn’t let her come for far too long, because she knew that orgasms were better the longer you worked for them...at least that’s what she told Trixie anyway. It’s totally not because she liked watching Trixie squirm. Finally, Katya’s name tumbled from Trixie’s pink, swollen lips like a beautiful song sung by a shrieking cat, as Katya smiled and pulled her back in for a kiss. Trixie couldn’t even form thoughts, but the gesture was simultaneously so sexy, and so attentive. After a few moments of trying to regulate her breathing, Trixie meekly asked, 

“So what do you want?”

The question rang in Katya’s ears as she lifted her head from where it rested on Trixie’s chest. Katya grinned.

“I just want you to fuck me, and I really don’t care how,” she admitted. Trixie giggled, which made Katya’s smile grow. 

“Come here, idiot.”

A few hours - and too many rounds - later, Katya flopped down beside Trixie on the bed. Trixie still hadn’t caught her breath or come down from the high, and Katya couldn’t have been happier to see her so giddy and exhausted. As Trixie’s eyes fluttered shut next to her, Katya placed one last kiss on Trixie’s cheek.

“Good night, gorgeous,” Katya whispered, before draping an arm across Trixie’s middle.

“Thank you,” Trixie replied, in a barely there voice.

“For what?” Katya asked snarkily. “For not making fun of your orgasm face? Because it was really hard not to, I’m not going to lie.”

“For making me feel gorgeous,” Trixie sleepily admitted. Katya melted.

“Well you are,” Katya smiled back. “My gorgeous girl.” Trixie smiled the dreamiest little smile before fading off to sleep, dreaming of reality for once, because no dream could top the little life she has now, with Katya and their silly little family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well...........i mean.
> 
> let us know what you think in the comments! we love u!
> 
> xoxo M&M


	15. gold dust woman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi kids!!! hope you’re having a lovely day! this one is … stupid soft. we had so much fun writing the first of these two little prom chapters ;) tw for brief alcohol mention, but other than that, enjoy some soft besties -

Stevie let out a long sigh and awkwardly took a sip of punch from their paper cup, desperately trying not to smudge their midnight blue lipstick. It took everything in them to refrain from rolling their eyes at the familiar sounds of that stupid Dan + Shay song they and June hated so irrationally.  _ This is going to be a LONG night, _ they thought. 

They didn't regret convincing June to attend prom. No matter how much Stevie tried to fight against the rigid claws of societal norms, prom was a right of passage that they didn't want to miss out on. Plus, June was still nominated for prom queen, a testament to how universally kind and attentive she was to every single person in their class now that she had spent a few months out of the clutches of the cheer team. She’d always been nice, but being Stevie’s friend had made her exponentially more compassionate and outwardly affectionate. She complimented strangers in the halls, sat down at lunch tables where she didn’t know a soul - and Stevie didn’t know how they had any part in that, because it wasn’t really their style, but they took her word for it. And they also took her word that the other prom queen nominees - all bitchy cheerleaders vying to keep the crown on the squad - were out for blood. June had panicked about every possible outcome several times, most of which were rants ending with June saying she wanted to skip prom just to avoid the drama. But as soon as June got all her jitters out and Stevie had her trapped sitting at their makeup vanity, June knew there was no turning back. 

Ethereal was the only word that accurately described June that night. Her pale yellow dress jutted out from her tiny waist, with waves of tulle floating all the way to the middle of her calves that made her look like a prima ballerina. With her dainty white pumps and flowing blonde curls, Stevie couldn’t tell if she was a Disney princess or an angel. Probably both. Stevie knew they looked hot too - just different hot. June had talked them into a lace-sleeved black dress, with a tiny short skirt in the front and a billowing cape of floor length fabric in the back. She had braided their midnight blue hair up into two buns on the top of their head, adorned with a thin silver headband and tiny star and moon clips. Their signature black Docs had been traded out for sky-high opalescent royal blue platform boots. They felt simultaneously scary and beautiful, and it made their heart glow. Their moms had taken ridiculous numbers of pictures of them before sending them out the door that night. Stevie knew that her mom had something planned for Trixie, as they both had handed off their PTA chaperoning duties to other members of the group, but right now, the only things that mattered to them fit within the four walls of that stupid, sweaty gym. 

June had wandered off into the crowd to find a few friends for a photo, but Stevie caught her eye as she floated across the dance floor back to them, two glasses of water in tow. She shoved one of them in Stevie’s direction and they shook their head.

“I already have punch, June, it’s all good,” they smiled.

“Stevie. The punch is spiked. Like...a lot. Drink water,” she giggled. 

“Well, no wonder it’s so good. However, your face is so red that I’m guessing you’ve had way more than me?” Stevie laughed as they put the cup down on the table next to them, taking the glass of water from June. 

“I have, but I don’t have to drive us home tonight,” she shot back, raising an eyebrow. Stevie nodded, taking a gulp of water. 

“Thank you for convincing me to come,” June whispered to them, nudging against their shoulder. “Even if I know you think prom is a social construct. It’s a fun social construct.”

“It is,” Stevie teased. “But people watching is really enjoyable, and it was an excuse to buy these boots, so it’s worth it.”

“Plus, you get to hang out with me,” June quipped back, a cheesy smile on her face. “Which, let’s be honest, is the best part.”

“Since when did you get confident?” Stevie rolled their eyes.

“Since you gave me eyeliner wings so sharp they could probably slit someone’s throat. I told you no one would be able to take me. Turns out, I was right,” June admitted. Stevie nodded, mouth slightly agape, not even having a proper response to that. The color slowly drained out of June’s face, and they tracked her gaze towards an aggressively bright yellow ballot box, with “Prom King and Queen Votes Here” stenciled on it in giant black lettering. Stevie pawed at June’s hand, trying to shift her focus, but they knew it was no use.

“Hey,” Stevie urged, grabbing June’s face and turning it towards them. They held onto her as they pivoted around so June’s back was to the ballot box, and Stevie had a good view of it. Students had been stopping at the box all night, casting their votes. June was able to ignore it for the most part, but now, a PTA member that neither of them knew grabbed the box and headed out of the gymnasium. It all became very real to June at that moment, and she started to panic. Stevie knew June’s brain well enough that they didn’t need to ask in order to see directly inside her brain. They just squeezed her hand and gave her a sympathetic smile. 

“I know it’s not important, not actually, but…” June trailed off, too lost in her own thoughts.

“I know. I want you to win too. If only just to see the looks on their faces. But whatever happens, it doesn’t mean shit. You’re already a queen, you don’t need that crown to prove it,” Stevie reassured her. June nodded with quiet determination as she started to try and believe Stevie’s all too nice words. She knew that the crown didn’t mean everything - her mom always told her a saying that one of her old friends had taught her, something along the lines of “winning isn’t everything, but wanting to is”...and it was true, but damn it, did she want to prove those cheerleaders wrong. She wanted them to see that being “popular”, whatever that meant, didn’t go hand in hand with being mean. She wanted them to know that yes, she was better off without them and no, she didn’t need their validation anymore. She had the best best friend in the world. Stevie was more important to her than the entire squad combined. But maybe, just maybe, if she won prom queen, those bitches would start to realize how wrong they’d been.

As June was lost in her own thoughts, dizzying her mind with visions of tiaras and spotlights, Stevie noticed a girl from their biology class nervously shuffling towards the two of them. They’d never really been friends, but they’d always kind of understood each other. They had a weird sort of kinship. She awkwardly landed in front of Stevie, her eyes glued to her feet.

“Um, hi Stevie,” she stammered.

“Hey...um, Aimee, right?” Stevie remembered. Aimee looked up, a huge smile forming across her face as her green eyes twinkled. 

“Yeah! Um…I don’t know if this is too forward, but...are you and June a thing?” she asked. Stevie took a second to process the question and then doubled over in a burst of laughter.

“Oh my god...that’s so funny…” they cackled, wiping a stray tear from the corner of their eye. “No, no we are definitely not. Why, are you into her or something?” 

Aimee’s face drained ghostly pale. Stevie felt the adrenaline in their veins start coursing. The more she thought about it, the cuter she thought Aimee might be with June. They definitely approved - Aimee seemed so sweet and well-intentioned. She was in a band, raised her hand a little too much in class, and always wore cute red bandanas that perfectly matched her lipstick.  _ Musically talented, the slightest bit extra, and well-coordinated is about all you can ask for in a high school girlfriend _ , Stevie thought. 

“Do you think...if I asked her to dance…” Aimee asked, wiping her clammy hands on the fabric of her emerald green bodycon dress. 

“Go for it, dude. Shoot your shot. I think you’ve got a good one,” Stevie smirked. Aimee bobbed her head in a nod before walking the two or three steps over to where June had wandered, clearly lost in thought. Just as Aimee was about to talk, June suddenly glanced up and gasped, caught off guard by the seemingly-sudden appearance of the girl. 

“Aimee, damn it, you totally scared me!” June panted, her voice with the slightest edge of sarcasm. 

“I’m sorry!! I didn’t mean to!!” Aimee assured her, taking the water glass out of her hand and placing it on the table nearby. “You’re okay, it’s all good.”

“I know,” June laughed. “Sorry. I was zoned out. What’s up? How are you?” June cocked her head to the side, trying to understand why Aimee, who normally looked so calm and collected, seemed like she was on the verge of tears.

“I’m good,” Aimee nervously exhaled. “I...I was wondering if you wanted to dance. With me. To this song. If you don’t, that’s fine too, I mean, you can obviously do whatever you want, I don’t want to pressure you to do any-”

“Aimee,” June grinned, reaching out to take her hand. “I’d love to.”

“Really??” Aimee shrieked. Stevie beamed from a few paces away as June jumped a tiny bit in response to the screech. They really had an eye for matchmaking. These two were already stupid cute and they’d barely even made a move on each other yet. 

“Sorry, I’m sorry, I just...I didn’t think you’d say yes,” Aimee continued.

“Of course it’s a yes, why wouldn’t it be?” June asked.

“You’re...you’re so gorgeous. And smart. And funny, and talented, and…” Aimee rambled until June cut her off yet again.

“Hey. So are you. Come on, let’s dance - and maybe we can sit and talk a little after?” June reassured her. Aimee nodded furiously and pulled her hand towards the dance floor. June turned back at Stevie, who raised their eyebrows suggestively as June shot back the most crazily excited grin Stevie had ever seen cross her face. They were genuinely so happy for her, and so stupid proud of her newfound confidence.

Stevie made their way to the bleachers along the side of the gym, happy to take a little introverted moment in the middle of what was undoubtedly the most extroverted event of the year. They’d always felt most comfortable just a step or two out of the action, and they were honestly ecstatic to just sit and sip their water and wait for June to inevitably scurry back to them for advice on her next move. Out of the corner of their eye, they noticed a lanky, curly haired boy - they didn’t even know his name, only that they’d seen him through the doorway as they walked past the computer science lab a few times - confidently striding up to them. They shot them a death glare, trying to save themselves the “don’t even fucking try it” conversation they knew was inevitable. He seemed to take the hint, as he promptly turned on his heel and bolted in the other direction. Stevie let out a breathless laugh.  _ Not in a million years.  _

  
  


\---

  
  


Thirty minutes or so later, the lights in the gymnasium dimmed off and back on, signaling that something was about to happen on stage. Just as Stevie stood back up to try to rejoin the crowd, a flurry of yellow tulle and blonde came bolting back at them, clutching their hand for dear life. Stevie stood up and followed her towards the crowd, wanting to pester her about Aimee but knowing to give it a few minutes. There were more pressing matters. They stood on the outskirts of the masses, close enough to hear the chatter but far enough away that they didn’t feel like they were suffocating.

“Stevie…” June trailed off, not even knowing where she was going. Stevie just nodded, squeezing her hand back. She didn't need to say a word for Stevie to understand.

“I know. Win or lose, I’ve got you,” Stevie assured her. 

“I know,” June smiled. And she knew they did. She wanted to win more than anything, but for totally different reasons than she had wanted to a few months ago. Before, she wanted to win in order to prove herself. Now, she wanted to win to prove a point. To prove that you didn’t have to be evil and conniving and manipulative to be well-liked. You could be kind and gracious and genuinely interested in the lives of everyone around you, and that could be enough. That could mean more than fancy cars and Balenciaga sneakers. As she squeezed Stevie’s hand tighter, she genuinely believed it. With Stevie by her side and Aimee’s emerald eyes stealing glances at her from across the gym, she felt invincible. 

The student council president, a well-meaning and overly preppy kid named Bryce, took the mic up by the DJ booth, tapping it a few times to test before speaking into it so loudly that static echoed off the walls. Stevie let out a snort.  _ Who looks at their baby and thinks “ah...yes, Bryce”.  _

“Excuse me. Excuse me, everyone. Can I have your attention please,” he started, staring down at the wrinkled and worn piece of paper he held in his sweaty palms, the pauses between his sentences growing more and more uncomfortable by the moment. “Hello, senior class. I hope you are having an enjoyable time at the prom. It is time to announce the prom king and queen, as voted on by our students.”

“Scripted, much?” Stevie whispered in June’s ear, trying to get even a shadow of a smile out of her. “Seriously, not even a  _ how y’all doin’ tonight?  _ And turn the mic to the crowd moment? I feel cheated out of my 90s movie prom experience!” June managed to pull the faintest of smirks onto her lips for a flash of a second before Stevie rubbed their thumb on the back of her palm in quiet reassurance. 

“For prom king…” he paused for dramatic emphasis as the gym fell silent. “Tyler Thomas.” June’s eyes rolled so far into the back of her head she could’ve sworn she could see herself think.  _ Of course _ , she groaned to herself. Tyler’s friends, a crowd of hockey players and future multi-level marketing scheme “personal trainers”, whooped and yelled as he walked to the DJ booth to have the not-quite-shiny crown placed atop his messy dirty blonde hair. June looked across the gym only to land her eyes on the gaggle of cheerleaders, standing with baited breath in their little black dresses and waiting for one of their own to get the corresponding tiara. Tiffany looked beautiful - June would give her that. With her $300 extensions and her spring collection Louboutins, she could’ve walked straight from that gymnasium onto a Vogue shoot. But June was so immeasurably happy that she wasn’t standing next to her right now. She’d literally never been more grateful.

“And prom queen…” Bryce trailed off, checking the paper to confirm. Time seemed to slow down, because in the probably three seconds between that phrase and the next, June felt like hours passed. Her heart started to race, her vision blurred. Sure, she was anxious - she was a 17 year old girl waiting to hear if she was prom queen, that was par for the course. But more than that, she was just determined. And that determination filled every cell of her body, raced and coursed through her veins like blood. June squeezed her eyes shut, letting out a breath she didn’t know she was holding and taking out all of her fear on Stevie’s hand. The earth stood still, until -

“June Mattel.”

The crowd fell eerily silent. Not in a bad way, or a good way. It just was. But even if the room filled with the loudest cheers or boos in the world, June couldn’t hear or see or feel a thing in that moment. She felt like she was floating, fully walking on air, as she made her way to the DJ booth. June felt a spotlight hit her face and she just knew the peach-toned highlighter Stevie had brushed onto her cheeks before leaving home was glimmering in the glow of the amber light. The crown fit perfectly atop her head, but she didn’t even notice Bryce put it on her head. She felt the airiest form of happy - the kind where literally nothing else mattered and everything went a little bit numb. It was a combination of ecstasy and shock. As soon as she had a second to bask in the moment, she locked eyes with Stevie in the crowd. Tears filled their eyes, and the second that registered, they sprung up in June’s too. Stevie and June’s friendship had always transcended words - but now more than ever, they felt everything the other was trying to say in that moment without so much as a single syllable. June might have been prom queen, but they were each other’s crowns. 

She knew from proms past that the next step would be to grab the prom king by the hand for a first dance as royalty. She hadn’t thought the moment through enough to have considered the idea of dancing with Tyler - hadn’t let herself entertain the thought of winning for the amount of time it would’ve taken her to think about the dancing that followed. All she knew was that...she had no interest. She had already broken one unspoken rule tonight by winning the crown as someone not on the cheer squad.  _ What’s one more _ , she thought.

Tyler awkwardly and reluctantly reached out to take her hand to dance, and June gracefully shook her head no. Tiny gasps sprung up through the crowd as they took in the moment with baited breath. 

“Why don’t you ask Tiffany? I know you’d rather dance with her anyway. Plus, I have other plans,” June smirked. Tyler stammered a response, but knew he couldn’t put up a fight. He clopped across the dance floor to find Tiffany, who was using every ounce of her might not to throw a full temper tantrum right in the middle of the crowd. June let herself have a little moment to feel superior, throwing a soft smile in Tiffany’s direction before she waltzed across the floor, grabbed Stevie’s arm, and dragged them towards the door.

“June...where are we going?” Stevie asked, too shell-shocked to even process. 

“To get fries,” June grinned. “We got what we came here for. I didn’t need to give them all the satisfaction of a dance I knew he wouldn’t enjoy anyway. I’ve got you, and you’re way better than a crown.”

“But it’s nice to have us both, I’d guess,” Stevie rolled their eyes, tapping the tiara with the point of their midnight blue nail. 

“I....yeah. Fuck yeah,” June beamed. 

“Wait,” Stevie stopped her, catching a glimpse to their side before crossing through the gymnasium doors. “You’re prom queen. You have to have your dance. But not with him.” Stevie put their hands on June’s shoulders, spinning her around to where Aimee stood, beaming.

“My queen, may I have this dance?” Aimee asked. June looked at Stevie, who nodded ecstatically. 

“Fries after. Go dance, I’ll meet you in the parking lot. Leave room for Jesus, Aimee,” Stevie rolled their eyes, bolting out the doors before June could object. 

“Well?” Aimee said with a tiny hopeful smile. June couldn’t help but grin.

“If you insist,” she giggled, taking her hand and bolting for the middle of the dance floor. 

June had always laughed at movies and shows and songs that had painted prom as this perfect, flawless, ethereal night. But, tonight...she was beginning to realize that they were not all that wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now, if you were wondering what our Lovebirds are up to on prom night ………… you might just have to come back for chapter 16. sorry, we don’t make the rules. as always, let us know your thoughts in the comments and follow us on the bird app at @vickyeblack and @sunshinehytes! xoxo M&M <3


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